Did you know that there are favorite children in every family? Did you know that favoritism impacts every family member for life? In my 30-year practice as a clinical psychologist, I have observed, on a daily basis, the effects of favoritism on favorite children, overlooked children and unfavored children. I elaborate on this never-written-about topic in my book The Favorite Child. I describe how favoritism is alive in every family and impacts every member.
Favorite children affirm their parents or fill a void in their lives. As a reward, these children believe that they are adored more than anyone else in the family, that they have won the quintessential prize of being the most cared for in the family by this important parent. Holding this belief, children feel confidence and power. They grow up trusting in their abilities to impact positively on the world and to take on important challenges, such as solving the problems of hunger and disease, or excelling in literature, sports, or the arts. Usually parents are unaware -- first, of looking to children for verification or fulfillment, and second, of favoring children in exchange.
There are dangers inherent in being the favorite child. Unbridled confidence can be accompanied by feelings of entitlement and little, if any, realization that there are consequences for actions. For example, Tiger Woods, an only child and therefore automatically the favorite child, said in a recent press conference commenting on his affairs, "I played by a different set of rules." The rules of character that applied to others did not apply to him. He believed that he could do what he wanted without being held accountable for his behavior. He gave no thought to the consequences of his actions on the people around him.
Woods' attitude, that rules do not apply equally to him, is mirrored in that of countless powerful people. This mindset has contributed to the tragic downfall of many, from politicians to athletes. They, having grown up with the psychological advantages of having been the favorite child, had their careers destroyed by believing that rules did not apply to them. Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and Mark Sanford are examples of other men who, as favorite children, developed personalities that fed their successes and, ultimately, their failures.
The selection of favorite child is usually mired in parents' unconscious reasons and reflects dynamics of their personalities and families. In some families being the oldest or youngest child may be relevant, while in other families being a girl or boy may count. In other families, the determining factors may be that the child is the spitting image of a beloved grandparent or, in the example of Tiger Woods, has the athletic skills a parent longed for. What is crucial is that children selected as the favorite fill a need or void for their parent, and as a reward, these children are empowered by believing that they are loved just a little bit more than everyone else.
Family dynamics differ when children experience favoritism as emanating from their mothers rather than their fathers. In general, daughters and sons favored by their mothers are more likely to be concerned throughout their lives with issues of closeness and interpersonal boundaries. Children favored by their fathers are more likely to be concerned with success outside of the family.
As families become more complicated, so do the dynamics of favoritism. In single child/single parent families, natural competitiveness to be the most loved is generally limited to how love is expressed and how boundaries, both for the child and between parent and child, are maintained. At the other end of the continuum are blended families, families in which two adults couple and bring together children from prior relationships to live as a unit. Competition to be the most loved by each parent permeates the relationship among every conceivable family member.
Favorite child status can be handed off from child to child at different time periods. Optimally, all children in all families experience the status of being the favorite child and benefit from the advantages coming with that position. Mothers may prefer infants, and all children are favored when they are infants. Fathers may prefer adolescents, favoring the child passing through this stage. In some families, who is favored frequently changes, reflecting the fluid interests and needs of the parents.
Parents can increase the likelihood that all their children benefit from favorite child status while simultaneously minimizing the potential emotional scars of the position.
Dr. Ellen Libby: Understanding the Family Dynamic of Favoritism on Mother's Day
The Un-favorite Child: Adults Who Perceived Parents As Being ...
Do You Have a Favorite Child? - Motherlode Blog - NYTimes.com
How to be a Favorite Child | eHow.com
I again, disagree. I was way more trouble than my older brother. I didn't listen. I broke rules. Oh and I was loud. Very LOUD. There were cases when "naptime" came four or five times a day just to give the adults a break.
That said, I was given equal opportunity as my brother. I was loved and treated as different but EQUAL person.
I am happy and successful and emotionally healthy.
My parent's didn't choose favorites. That's evidence enough for me that is theory is proven incorrect.
I emulate my mom-in-law when it comes to favoritism and I think I've done a great job since each of my boys is sure he's my favorite and their dad's favorite. If you ask my husband and his sibs who their moms favorite was, each would tell you it's them. I'm sure I was her favorite daughter-in-law as well.
It's taken years for my sisters and I to mend the hurts caused by my parents obvious favoritism. I was my dad's favorite which caused my mom to treat me as her whipping post. My sisters got along with my dad almost as well as i did. My second youngest sister was my mom's favorite and she would shower her with treats as we watched which caused the 3 of us to resent her. It took well into adulthood to realize it wasn't her fault and to get to know her as I know my other sisters. Luckily, we have each others backs now, despite a rocky start.
There is also a theory and I believe it's true: in such families, the favorite child becomes the tallest. In my family, the favorite grew to 6'4". I never made it up to 5'2".
Back on topic
My mother's favorite is my younger brother, the baby, she buys him cars, pays his car insurance, and takes care of him in every way. He dropped out of college and she makes excuses for him, he gets a ticket for not wearing his seat beat and she makes excuses for him, he can't find job...OK, they live in Michigan so he might not be able to find a job. He can do no wrong in her eyes. It seems like a sweet deal but I believe it has hurt him because he's almost 30 and has no sense of any responsibility and lives in my mothers basement, that has been converted to an apartment for him.
If my mother passes my brother is doomed he doesn't know how to take care of himself.
And speaking of needs, parents respond to children's needs, so (in a two-parent family with more than one child) when one parent favors one child, the other parent automatically favors another. And if there are grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., who are involved with the kids, the favor continues to get spread around fairly evenly.
Now, when I look back I see that personality wise--my mom and him had a lot in common and I'm totally okay with that.
I know my mom loves all of her children but sometimes a parent just can relate more to one child more than the others, but it does not mean she does not love the rest of her children.
I think in this life my lesson was to really learn to love myself and I've been practicing that for the last twenty years. It is what has really saved me and also empowered me. :-)
The sibling was the one who went into life long therapy and became suicidal. I fall down in life as much as the next person, but I am an eternal optimist, reframer, and happy person. My children all grew up and have very good lives. Not so much for the sibling's child.
I think there is a lot more to the story - subsets, perhaps. As a scapegoat I learned to be strong in the face of adversity and turn it to my advantage. My sibling still expects to be rescued.