Parents today fear bullying like our grandparents feared polio.
We know it's out there, and we know a few kids can survive it. But we're afraid of the lifelong consequences for our child. So we hope against hope for an immunization (don't get me started on the people who ignore the miracles of actual vaccination) and shelter and protect our kids from any situation in which they might be exposed.
We're thinking about the wrong disease.
Bullying isn't like polio, a once-in-a-lifetime illness that will either pass you by or cripple you. Bullying is more like a respiratory infection. Respiratory infections happen to almost everyone, and will happen lots of times in life. It's good to experience these as a child, so your body can fight it off more effectively as a teen and adult.
That is my not so subtle point.
Bullying happens, again and again in life. Kids will see bullying happen to others, they will experience a child (or adult) trying to bully them, and they will, most of them, try bullying someone else. And, these dynamics don't change a lot in the adult world. Most workplaces have people who are quick to fill these roles; I've never heard of a neighborhood association or church group that was immune to this social disease either.
In the age of Snow Plow Parenting (because helicoptering is not good enough, we obviously have to get out and smooth any potential obstacle on the road our child travels), we do our best to eliminate any chance that our child will interact with someone who might try to manipulate him, or use social power to control her actions.
That is not what our kids need! They need to see bullying, even feel the effects themselves, to know what it is. They need to understand that manipulation and social power are tools often used to hurt others. Kids need the chance to talk to their grownups about bullying. To learn from the experiences that
A.They can recognize bullying,
B.They can survive it, and
C.They can be strong enough to stop it.
If the bullying gets serious - just like that respiratory infection - then we have to step in. It may not be enough to give advice and some ibuprofen, we may have to get them to a bullying "doctor." That's good, and right, and a great lesson. When things get too serious to handle yourself, you get help. Most of the time, however, kids just need empathy, and the chance to strengthen their confidence by trying out different solutions.
Exactly the same way that we a build healthy immune system, they need the chance to be exposed to bullying as kids. If we protect them from every social germ now, we set them up for some real trouble later. It is much healthier for our children to bring home their social ills, when we can give them love and advice and chicken soup. If not, they're likely to head into the workplace as adults with no idea what human beings are capable of doing to each other.
By all means, let's talk to our kids about bullying. They should know the symptoms and the possible consequences, as well as ways to prevent and treat it. Like every other skill we want them to have, though, they won't really nail it until they get to try out those prevention and treatment strategies for themselves.
I'm not suggesting that you throw your kid onto the mean girls cheer squad - just like I don't recommend Chicken Pox parties. I'm just saying: stop worrying IF your child will get bullied. Of course they will. So let's prep for the learning experience it will be when it happens.