The 11 Rules of Seduction

05/27/2015 05:26 pm ET | Updated May 27, 2016
Shutterstock / Vasilchenko Nikita

As a human behavior expert with a Ph.D. in Psychology and a Doctorate in Education, I have often been asked about the art of dating and seduction. My years of experience have taught me that there are some tried and true pointers that can be applied to most relationships, even though each partnership is unique and all couples are different.

1. Never manipulate. Men and women hate to be manipulated. It signals that either partner is easily fooled. No relationship happens in a vacuum, and each partner brings their history to the table. As a result, manipulation can bring a highly-charged feeling. Don't do it.

2. Be independent. Nobody likes a needy person. Men in particular hate to feel controlled or pressured. If you are controlling, you can remind him of his mother, and men do not want to be in an intimate relationship with mom. Further, neediness communicates passive-aggression. Therefore, it is important when meeting someone and dating him for the first time to step back and find your own center -- your own resource. Don't wait by the phone. Find hobbies and interests that you like. These will give you not only things to talk about, but things to do that are interesting. If you get a life, you can share that life conversation. This only serves to make you more interesting and exciting.

3. Be yourself. If you put on an act with the person you are dating, you will never know if he cares for the real you. Furthermore, mutuality is important to seduction, so he has to be able to count on you to be you. To be intimate requires openness and emotional availability. It is true that people who are open are more vulnerable; however, no risk, no reward. Don't play games and don't play hard to get; if you play games, your date will play with someone else.

4. Turn off your phone. Make eye contact and listen actively. Men hate when a date is distracted and neither focused on him or in the moment; it's discounting and insulting. And, when on a date, don't scan the room looking for or flirting with others. It is just rude. An important part of seduction is to value and validate the person you are with, and if you are not paying attention, you will miss your moment by giving the wrong impression.

5. Be spontaneous. Be playful, be in the moment and have fun. This opens you to your authentic and essential self, which is the most attractive you will ever be. The natural you, the un-layered you, gives out all those good undefended vibes of attraction. Further, playfulness signals a flirty and teasing attitude that is non-aggressive and says "come hither."

6. Find the humor. A good sense of humor indicates a good personality, and there is nothing sexier in a man or a woman. Don't take things too seriously or personally, don't be reactive; rather, be a good sport, and show that you can take teasing as well as criticism.

7. Get personal. Find ways to be intimate that have special meaning for just the two of you. For example: write letters, notes, and send funny cards. It adds to anticipation, fun and mystery.

8. Relax. Stress reduction is so important to seduction. Not only should you be relaxed, but you want to have a welcoming disposition that helps your partner relax. If you have problems in this area, learn to meditate, do progressive relaxation exercises, take walks, listen to music and most importantly, get enough sleep. Children are cranky when they don't get enough sleep, and so are adults. A well-rested, stress-free person can cope with all kinds of difficult situations.

9. Be a good listener and show interest in your date. Ask about his life story before you spill all the beans about yours. People love talking about themselves and love telling you who they are. If you are a good listener, you will hear everything. Remember: trust is based on experience. So when it's your turn to talk, it is better to measure what you share, then you won't feel hurt or betrayed if your date is not worthy of your trust.

10. Good Hygiene. Pay attention to your appearance, your breath and your body hygiene. No matter how cute you are, if your hygiene is offensive, you will never get a second date. And regardless of what you have heard, if you don't take pride in your appearance, you may be dealing with insecurity or low self-esteem.

11. Body Language. Your body language indicates whether you are confident or not. Be confident, smile and have a positive attitude. Don't overdo flirting. If you flirt with everyone, no one will feel special, valued or valuable.

Finally, there is a fine line between patience and perseverance. Give your date a chance to be responsive -- never pressure or rush the guy. Seduction is all in your head, so how you present yourself is how others will perceive you.