Over the past few weeks it has been impossible to miss the flood of news stories about gay teens ending their own lives after enduring anti-gay bullying. Eighteen-year-old Tyler Clementi, 15-year-old Billy Lucas, and 13-year-olds Asher Brown and Seth Walsh were living in different corners of America -- New Jersey, Indiana, Texas, and California -- but each of them was subjected to the same kind of intolerance and cruelty, which included callous disregard for their online privacy.
To put this tragedy in context, suicide is the third leading cause of death among adolescents aged 15 to 24, and gay teens are four times more likely than straight teens to attempt suicide. It's important to understand, though, that the statistics concerning gay teens are relevant to all teens. There are many reasons for this, but chief among them is that during adolescence, the mantra is, "I want to be the same, I want to be the same, I want to be the same." Teens want to be like everyone else, and when they see a gay student getting bullied for some perceived difference, they worry that their own differences -- and we all have them -- will be targeted by bullies next.
I know that many parents find it difficult to discuss sexuality with their teens, but discussion is crucial if we want our teens to develop good self-esteem, embrace their own differences, and accept what is different in others.
Here's some information for parents to consider:
Teens who are "different" are at higher risk for getting bullied.
All teens want to be "normal" and fit in with their peers, but when they exhibit differences -- in their sexual orientation, for example -- they can face cruel and unusual harassment and rejection. According to a survey by the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network, approximately 90 percent of gay, lesbian, transgender or bisexual middle and high school students were physically or verbally harassed in 2009. As parents, no matter what we believe (with respect to sexuality, religion, politics, etc.), we are responsible for our kids' behavior and need to teach them to be intolerant of intolerance.
A teen who believes his sexual feelings are unacceptable to peers may be experiencing emotions that are warning signs of suicide.
Parents, teachers, and all caring adults need to be alert and sensitive to how self-esteem contributes to a teen's feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, rejection, and anger -- all symptoms of depression that affect the majority of teens who attempt or complete suicide. Some parents fall under the impression that because they are tolerant of different sexual orientations, their children aren't affected by the barrage of messages about "how wrong it is to be gay." Unfortunately, anti-gay rhetoric has extraordinary, insidious muscle in the cultural landscape, and gay teens are particularly vulnerable to the discrimination and bullying that chip away at self-esteem and contribute to depression. Parents of gay teens are sometimes just "the last to know" a problem is brewing.
An overwhelming majority of suicidal teens report feeling misunderstood by their parents.
Therefore, it's crucial for parents to start a conversation with their children, before they go through puberty, to discuss sexual feelings and tolerance of different sexual orientations. If your child is secretly feeling guilty or somehow bad due to the sexual thoughts he or she is having, you need to know this so that you can give reassurance that there's nothing wrong or bad about different sexual thoughts or sexuality in general. Teens who feel uncomfortable with their sexuality often suffer from low self-esteem, so it's essential that we counter their feelings of distress with a very positive message of acceptance and love. We have a responsibility and role in building our teens' self-esteem and self-confidence. They need to understand that while we sometimes disagree with them -- or simply have different feelings -- we respect their beliefs and differences. We love them no matter what.
As part of the effort to prevent suicide and suicidal behaviors, parents need to know about their teens' lives on the Internet.
I'm reminded of a scene in the new Facebook movie, "The Social Network," in which Napster co-founder Sean Parker (played by Justin Timberlake) says, "We lived on farms. We lived in cities. And now we live on the Internet." That we now "live" on the Internet means that, as parents and educators, we must be whistleblowers on Facebook, Twitter, and any other social media platform on which our kids interact -- to tackle intolerance and bullying effectively. Online bullying often involves the complete failure, on the part of a bully, to comprehend how words and actions in cyberspace can devastate a victim. Erica makes this point in "The Social Network" when she tells Mark Zuckerberg that saying something cruel to a person's face is like using a pencil (since spoken words can fade from memory), but saying something online, where words are recorded for an unknown number of people to see, is like using a pen. We have to talk to our kids about the power and consequences of our online behavior. And then we need to teach them how to use social media as a tool for promoting tolerance, compassion, and social justice.
Parent-teen communication is our best defense against intolerance, bullying, and teen suicide.
Believe it or not, teens want to spend time with their parents. We sometimes forget this as we watch them try to assert their independence, but research studies repeatedly show that teens want to spend quality time with us -- and when they do, they're less likely to experiment with drugs, have sex at a young age, and engage in other risky behaviors. We have the opportunity to build our kids' confidence and self-esteem, nurture empathy, and model an acceptance and appreciation of others. However (and this is key), teens only want to spend time with their parents -- and talk openly about what they're really experiencing -- when they believe their parents aren't judgmental. Again, tolerance, respect, appreciation, love.
I'm encouraged by the fact that so many celebrities -- from Cyndi Lauper and Ellen DeGeneres to Matthew Morrison, Jane Lynch, and the entire cast of "Glee" -- are raising public awareness of anti-gay bullying and its links to teen suicide.
I hope you will join me in promoting tolerance to protect young lives. Please start right now by having a conversation with your child.
Harold S. Koplewicz, M.D. is a leading child and adolescent psychiatrist and the president of the Child Mind Institute.
Follow Dr. Harold Koplewicz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrKoplewicz
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning Teen Suicide ...
Suicide surge: Schools confront anti-gay bullying - U.S. news ...
Schools Battle Suicide Surge, Anti-Gay Bullying - Health Blog ...
The kid is doing fine.
canadian medical association said 21 000 death p.a from air pollution e.g.
how many psychologists or clergy are focusing on the number one issue , survival of the planet ? green ribbon campaighn ?
practitioners of alternative medicine have been fiercely bullied by the orthodox medical profession and both media and clergy [ and atheists ] have been silent or have added to the bullying
gay issues i must say have become a fashion item ; scientific data is inadequate to make real decisions on
and most likely simple love is mistaken for sexual attraction ; love has nothing to do with sex sex has nothing to do with love its a cold hard scientific fact
as long as clergy and psychologists are silent about green, whatever that means, so long i am totally disinterested in anything else they have to say
stress releif that is the only solution ; neither clergy [ e.g. Robinson ] nor psychologists have a clue about what stress in the brain is and how to reverse the entropy
condolences to the ignorant
My childhood friend (Assembly Of God religion) had a gay cousin. He came out in his teens. His family (also religious) distanced themselves from him (I'd call it DISOWNING him). She told me he struggled his whole life BECAUSE he was "living the lifestyle". In his mid forties, he jumped off a NY bridge ... but survived.
He lay on life-support, well aware of his surroundings and visitor ... his ONLY visitor being his mother (better late than never, huh?)
I couldn't believe my ears when my childhood friend said that she'd been trying to persuade her aunt to PULL THE PLUG on her cousin.
Once I got over that SHOCKING statement coming from a supposed PRO-LIFER, I asked her what she thought of removing the feeding tube from Terri Schiavo.
She was ALL FOR keeping a BRAINDEAD woman alive ... but NOT her GAY cousin.
Ya hear that, parents? Your child might be gay, but it doesn't mean YOU are.....don't take it so personally. Their being gay is not a reflection on you. And for those parents who think being gay is a "lifestyle," well, your "lifestyle" of prejudice and bigotry is worse than being gay could ever be.
1- If your child is gay, give them 100% unswerving support.
2- Take an active interest in your child's life and talk to them openly.
3- If your child is being bullied at school, contact the school and speak to the teachers/principal, and the parents of the bully.
4- Lobby the government to make it easier to sue a school, or the parents of the bully, if your child is being bullied and #3 isn't working.
5- Object to any gay slurs/insults/smears if you hear them from your friends. Create an atmosphere of "intolerance of intolerance".
Students are not meant to have a voice, to have any say in what goes on in their school, they are taught to obey the teacher, as an authoirty. Yet, what is their authority? Why do a group of four year olds listen to their teacher? It is through manipulation, use of the themes "good" and "bad", and, most of all, the right to organize time and space. That is to say, authority here is not natural, it is produced.
But how does this affect bullying? Children learn about how their world works every minute, and it does not take long to find out how to get your way, at least with other children. A bully is simply the angry teacher in the child form; he uses an authority he produces which relies on manipulation, a concept of what is "allowed" and what is not "allowed", and the control of space, and sometimes time.
If you would like your child to be able to be themselves check out a democratic school. www.thehighlandschool.org, .www.sudval.org, http://www.summerhillschool.co.uk/.
We need to learn how to treat children as we would other people; with full knowledge that they, and not we, are going to decide what they are going to learn and how they are going to act. We need not to be "accepting", in the sense that we allow them to do things, rather we need to understand that children have rights, the right to live without coercian, violence, and mistreatment, and that when we, with them, stand to protect those rights we will go very far to end this epidemic.
Overcoming bullying and harassment in schools does not require more structure outside of the schools. It requires children having a voice, being able to participate fully in their own space. It requires democracy, where students and staff members have equal participation and equal protection from and by the community.
That needs to start at home, and very young
Your reasoning is why millions are wasted trying to get good behavior and results out of kids whose course was set at 3 or 4 in their home life
People you do not approve of, but sort of tolerate, should have an untruthful version of themselves to use in front of you. THAT is really healthy for them -- not!
Your post defines the word bxgot
All major professional mental health organizations have gone on record to affirm that homosexuality is not a mental disorder.
In 1992, the American Psychiatric Association, recognizing the power of the stigma against homosexuality, issued the following statement:
"Whereas homosexuality per se implies no impairment in judgement, stability, reliability, or general social or vocational capabilities, the American Psychiatric Association calls on all international health organizations and individual psychiatrists in other countries, to urge the repeal in their own country of legislation that penalized homosexual acts by consenting adults in private. And further the APA calls on these organizations and individuals to do all that is possible to decrease the stigma related to homosexuality wherever and whenever it may occur."
But where I was mistaken was that I did not stand up for others. If I saw someone else getting bullied and submitting to it, I thought myself "He(she) needs to learn to stand up for himself(herself)". But that was wrong. The only way that bullies will be stopped is when all of us stand up to them and make sure that there will always be consequences for their actions.
Unfortunately that is not the reality of the world we live in. For me the difference is that now I do stand up for others. And just like then I keep getting beat down(though now it is not a physical beat down) for it. But that's alright with me because I have become accustomed to it.
I think that is ultimately the solution to the problem. If ALL of us stand up to the bullies, then no-one will ever have to suffer under them. The problem is that most of us don't.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-olmsted/bullying-and-gay-teens-ch_b_754159.html
If you think Christians teach tolerance -- you are correct in theory, but way off in practice.
Many of the sects need "sinful enemies" to preach against, in order to grow their rich churches.This includes some of the larger ones, such as the mormons.
They preach "tolerance for MY version of how you should be, and if you do what is natural to you and love, have sex, marry -- you are a sinner, but I am told to love you"
But they don't follow the preaching too well