Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.
-- Robert Brault
Most people, when queried, place honesty high on the list of their core values. We believe that being honest with ourselves and with others is crucial to having relationships work effectively. And rightfully so! Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is a known liar? Who wants to be with someone they cannot trust? Surely, this is a prescription for suffering.
To say that honesty is the foundation upon which healthy, working relationships are built may sound like stating the obvious, and at one level it is. And yet, when asked to look deeper about their personal relationship with telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, most people, if being totally honest, would also have to admit they "shave" the truth -- they either dress it up or down, usually with a noble reason for doing so.
In other words, when the rubber meets the road, this business of being 100 percent honest, even though held in high regard as an essential quality of character, is not so easy to achieve. Most fall far short of their own standards in this area. And, ironically, because this disconnect is so painful to admit, our own dishonesty lives as a blind spot. We don't recognize ourselves as being dishonest because we have a library of built-in stories to justify our actions. And we believe them. Or least we think we do. But let's look closer at the real purpose of those stories.
Sure, your motivation for shaving the truth, even if just a teensy bit, may sound noble enough. If you said what you really thought, you might run the risk of hurting the other person's feelings. Didn't your mother tell you it wasn't nice to do that? And what would that person think about you if you told them the unvarnished truth? Aren't you just a bit worried about your own image if you laid out the no-holds-barred truth?
We tell ourselves we're being compassionate by sparing someone our honest feelings. Unconsciously, we think they're incapable of being with or handling our honesty, so we're really doing them a favor by dressing it up in nice clothing so it's pretty and palatable.
But whose feelings are really being spared? Who are you really protecting when you "spin" the truth and, in effect, be dishonest: the other person, or yourself? Aren't you really more concerned about your own feelings than the other person's? Tell the truth now. Isn't it your own unwillingness to be uncomfortable and your inability to be with the truth that is the core of the problem here?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you be a jerk and regurgitate your unexpressed feelings all over someone, leaving them dripping with your venom and anger. That is as irresponsible as telling a lie or shaving the truth.
The challenge of being 100 percent honest lies in navigating our own resistance to exposing ourselves and expressing our true feelings, especially when we fear the consequences of doing so. But somewhere between withholding honesty and using it as a hurtful weapon there is a way of expressing the inconvenient truths, the hard and difficult ones that can bring people closer together, and open new possibilities for the relationship. This is a critical skill to learn.
Anybody can tell the truth when it's easy and doesn't threaten the status quo of a relationship. But as all relationships go, at some point we'll reach a place where things get mired in misunderstanding, where we begin to make assumptions about the other, where our fantasies about each other clash with reality, where we begin to see the other as less than the ideal image we made up about them in the beginning. When those character qualities we initially thought were "cute" or "charming" turn into character "flaws" that now irritate and annoy, we're challenged to address them or look at ourselves with all honesty and recognize those qualities as mirrors of our own shortcomings.
Who Can You Look To As A Role Model?
Looking at the landscape of life today, can you point to anyone who is a role model for honesty and integrity? Surely as we look at the national or international scene, we find few examples. Today we're drowning in an ocean of dishonesty and hypocrisy. No one trusts the politicians. We know they only say what they think will help them get re-elected. Politicians pander to those who wield the most money, who in turn lobby the politicians for access to power. And so it goes. The Rupert Murdochs of the world are not that unusual anymore. They may be lesser-known, but there are many just like him, lurking in the hallways of power.
The banking industry and Wall Street, the Koch brothers, George Soros, all examples of the marriage of money, power and politics, all of which have absolutely nothing to do with honesty, integrity and truth. Honesty is a joke in today's world.
So how do we tell the inconvenient truth? How do we live up to our own standards of honesty, be true to our core values, when doing so seems likely to upset the apple cart? How do we remain true to ourselves and not compromise our integrity when we're confronted with a situation that requires standing in our truth and facing the consequences of doing so? How do you embrace your own truth and speak it without compromise?
Prescriptions For Telling The Inconvenient Truth
George Washington was right: Honesty is the best policy. It is the way to move from being asleep and unconscious and settling for mediocrity to being fully awake and creating the quality of life you really desire.
And honesty will cost you something. Next time: "The Prices of Honesty." Stay tuned.
For now, what do you see about yourself and honesty? How and where do you tend to compromise your honesty? What stories do you use to justify shaving the truth? How has it worked in your relationships?
Blessings on the path.
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I must add, if we are being true to ourSelf and telling the truth to ourSelf, in my world, there will be no lies to tell 'out there'. Yes?
I know you said the next post will delve into the seeming costs, which is where I think we can get hung up.
I often think humanity's trouble isn't whether people want to better themselves, it's what happens along the path that hinders progress.
Someone tells me some truth that rings too many emotional bells. I resist, go into shock and find I'm suddenly, immediately, amazingly fiendishy gifted. I instinctively go for the jugular. I want to shut that person up. I misunderstand, even intentionally obfuscate. I use shock value to get my way. This is a part of the problem when it comes to honesty.
And yet there is a path, maybe mostly hidden. Fortunately, honesty has more to do with reality than other people and their reactions.
Well said! F & F'd for this..........
So much more to be said on this topic, stay tuned......
With love and gratitude,
Judith
Well, I like to think I’m an honest person, and Sam might even say that at times this can be too much of a good thing. But if I’m really honest with myself I have to admit there’s more to learn about the nuances of effective, honest communication. What you said here really hits home for me:
“The challenge of being 100 percent honest lies in navigating our own resistance to exposing ourselves and expressing our true feelings, especially when we fear the consequences of doing so. But somewhere between withholding honesty and using it as a hurtful weapon there is a way of expressing the inconvenient truths, the hard and difficult ones that can bring people closer together, and open new possibilities for the relationship. This is a critical skill to learn.”
I’ve found that the undercurrents of all the things left unsaid often run very deep, and are capable of being even more powerful than the things expressed aloud, as they lead to anger, resentment, and bitterness. So yes, navigating through the resistance is indeed a critical skill to learn!
You once wrote, “It takes courage to do the work of healing. It's not comfortable, convenient or easy...It means the end of denial, pretending and avoiding. It means being radically honest with yourself and those around you…” While these words are challenging, I find comfort, and even hope in them as I continue this journey…
Many thanks and much love,
Sharon
You have precisely nailed where our conversation is going from here, for there are deep prices to be paid for withholding honesty as well as ones to be paid for speaking our truth.
As for me, I'll take your version of "sometimes too much of a good thing" any day over wondering if what someone has told me is the truth, or not knowing if I can trust what they say. One of my dearest friends is like you in this department. I know that I can count on her to be brutally honest with me and yes, sometimes it does feel like "too much". But I always emerge wiser for our exchanges, having gone through the fire of facing up to my own denial or avoidance and being humbled by the truth. It might be painful but it's also freeing.
Keep cool my dear. I know you're baking down there in Houston.
Love and blessings to you,
Judith
As someone who tends to make progress the "two steps forward, one step back" kind of way (as well as the reverse order of that), I'm definitely eager to continue this conversation. I grew up in a household where everything, and I do mean everything, got swept under the rug. What always seemed most important was how our family appeared to others. Of course, on the surface we certainly appeared to have it all together, but underneath the facade was a much different story.
Although your circumstances were different than mine, you once spoke of a similar dynamic in your family. After you relayed the specifics you poignantly wrote, “My entire adult life has been a journey of healing this wound, making sure that I leave no stone unturned, so that at the end of the day, I can leave this life with no regrets.” Those words are forever etched on my heart, as this is my journey, too. I must say, it’s so good to know I’ve got a soul-sistah out there to share this path!
Sending love your way,
Sharon
P.S. Thanks for the well-wishes on our weather. Honestly, I can’t complain too much about the temps here today – it’s only supposed to get up to 94, so that’s practically a cool front! Meanwhile, DC is supposed to reach 103! I’m counting my blessing and sending my best wishes to the folks on the East Coast.
A delicate task, there is no more of a burdeon than that of facing the truth of the moment with an eye on the ramifications hidden therein. Shaving the truth? I am guilty too. Probably from fear of the whiplash, or maybe I simply don't want to chance someone telling me the bare truth in return?
We all want to be nice (well, most of us) and the raw nerves of confrontation and dissonance to be avoided by that closest of shaves is often too tempting. I think of the advertisement on TV where Abe is asked by Ms Lincoln if she appears "large" in a particular dress, and he, after the hesitation of cogitation says, "Maybe a little." and whe storms out. Was it worth it? Hummmmm...
Juggling is the sport of those willing to risk the fall. We all need to be better jugglers, or at least honest ones.
There's more, but I am late for a very important date... Maybe later! :)
Wonderful topic!
Lawson
Later, I asked him why? He said he did not want to hurt my feelings. I realized that attitude was selfish and a bit cowardly, because by letting me appear stylistically foolish, he was allowing me to be vulnerable to those who would gleefully hurt my feelings with vigor. Would I have done the same to him? hummmmm… probably.
Such is the sucky case of shaving with a double edged sword…
Lawson
I wanted to add one more thought: honesty and trust are the closest of relatives.
Honesty is the attempt to avoid breaking trust, and trust is the belief you will not be hurt.
Dishonesty breaks the bridge of trust, and that is a most difficult bridge to rebuild, which is bad enough with another, but especially onerous when the trust you break is with yourself.
Your theme seems to bear repeating: be honest with yourself, be responsible for yourself, be aware of your challenges, and be grateful for help from others. I would add, reflect to them as they reflect to you!
Synergistically,
Lawson
And the larger question is: how do you want people to be with you? Honest? Or politically correct? Or as Bill Maher would say: "Politically Incorrect", which is another way of saying honesty.
Knowing you, and having observed your interactions here, I think I know the answer. But back to you, dear Lawson.
And while you're at it, keep your powder dry out there in Indiana. I grew up right next door to you in Ohio. Basking now in our 55 degree temps this morning in the Bay Area and loving it!
Bless, bless......
Judith
The relationship between honesty and trust is, as you brilliantly point out, a synergistic one. It's hard to separate the two because each one depends upon the presence of the other. When one is broken, the other is automatically damaged. Those are important bridges to maintain, perhaps the most important work of relationships. Like any bridge that is well used, continuous attention to maintenance is required. Living in the Bay Area, I'm well aware of how critical our bridges are to daily life. When one is disrupted, chaos ensues. And so it is when honesty and trust are breached.
And this is where we're going next time. Thanks for bridging this conversation and taking it to the next level!
http://www.thezerosbeforetheone.com/when-honesty-isnt-the-best-policy
When the 'truth is shaved,' I believe we have not gotten down to the Truth that sets us free. When I 'shave the truth,' I am still in my story of justification, playing not to lose, playing small, pretending to be less than who I am. The thing is that 'shaving' it, not only cripples me, but it cripples the one who desires our 'Truth Ring' exercise that is all about liberating love in a world that sorely needs it.
Here's to Truth winning out, and our taking the time to let the Truth bubble up before we trouble th waters even more and make a bigger mess!
Love,
Cara
Honesty may be the best policy - but only after the honesty stew has had time to simmer all the virtues that have to go into it.
I especially like this: "Honesty may be the best policy - but only after the honesty stew has had time to simmer all the virtues that have to go into it." Surely words to take to heart. Many a heart could be spared by taking the time to render down the essence of the message and deliver it with love.
So good to see you here, Mr. Shaw. Hope you're keeping cool down there in the "Heat Dome".
Love you and Sharon,
Judith
Yes. What Murdoch reminds me of is the fact that I really don't want to regress. In fact, people who teach have a professional interest in fostering conditions that won't allow humanity a collective relapse into childhood fantasies and immature narcissism.
I am mighty tired of the lack of criticism of this aspect of tabloid journalism. There's this presumption that educated people aren't affected because they can choose to ignore it and hence don't need to worry about it. False. Because we live in the same world, full of the same prejudices.
When more of us are at peace with ourselves, then there will be fewer to disturb us. Mind you, I am not sure that is going to happen any day soon. But then again, you never know!
More love,
Anne
For now, what do you see about yourself and honesty? I find it easier to be honest when I come from the neutrality of my "heart" and I am not in emotional imbalance of some kind. I love the feeling of being open with what is true for me. If I cannot be so honest with someone, I may not say anything and use the discomfort to look at what is going on in me. I got to heal an old sister relationship with a friend, who triggered an emotional response in me recently.
How and where do you tend to compromise your honesty? When I care about someone approving of me or I feel threatened in some way. I am not always conscious of this at the time. Work in progress!
What stories do you use to justify shaving the truth? Hurting someone's feelings, through truly I am more concerned about being hurt myself.
How has it worked in your relationships? When I am open and honest, I love and enjoy those relationships and feel happy and comfortable with the people concerned.
That's my 2 cents! I am still finding out where my glitches "lie" - in both senses of the word. Loving the learning!
Huge love to you,
Anne
Being human is a piece of work and we're all still in the classroom. Sometimes it feels as though the lessons are recycled and I suppose they are. More opportunity to practice surrender.....
Hope you're enjoying your summer..... love to you!
Judith
Been awhile since I've seen you around here! Thanks for stopping by! Yes, this is a topic that is going to take awhile to do justice, so stay tuned!
Blessings to you dear one,
Judith