"It Hurts To Be Me": Confessions Of Michael Jackson

Who knows the truth about what really killed Michael Jackson? Much has been written about his strange life and the mystery surrounding his equally puzzling death. No doubt, there will be mountains more coverage of this man who was an American original in the days to come as the feeding frenzy that so characterized his life continues in the aftermath of his death.

If Michael were here right now witnessing the circus around his death, I wonder what he would have to say to us about life under the microscope? What would he want us to know about who he really was? What was it like to be him these past 50 years? What caused him the most pain, brought him the most joy?

Snooping around the internet, I found some interesting quotes attributed to the King of Pop. If he were here right now, perhaps this is what he'd want us to know. In his own words:

"I'll always be Peter Pan in my heart."

As a man who remained a boy in search of his long lost childhood, Michael was probably the most iconic personality in the modern world who personified the Peter Pan archetype, or as Jung called it, The Puer Aeternaus/Eternal Boy. The walls in his boyhood bedroom were covered with photos of Peter Pan and he later named his southern California estate, Neverland, after the home of the Lost Boys in the story. His search for the love of a family and a place to call home took him to the edge and beyond. True to his Peter Pan image, Michael betrayed himself as a man, and remained a boy in his heart, even as his body took a beating and was ravaged by his efforts to remake himself and stave off time. In the end, Michael's time was up and Peter Pan took flight.

"There is a lot of sadness in my past life. My father beat me. It was difficult to take being beaten and then going on stage. He was strict; very hard and stern. My father was a management genius. But what I really wanted was a dad."

His childhood having been stripped away by his driven and ambitious father, Joe Jackson, Michael was on his way to becoming a lost boy by the time he was six years old and performing with his brothers in the strip clubs of Gary, Indiana. His talent was a one-way ticket out of the soot and grime of the blue-collar city for the entire Jackson family. He learned that his worth was measured by the size of the recording contracts his father landed.

"People think they know me but they don't. Not really. Actually, I am one of the loneliest people on this earth. I cry sometimes, because it hurts. It does. To be honest, I guess you could say that it hurts to be me."

Michael's honesty is riveting here. If we were willing to look closely, who among us could not say we've felt the same way at some point in our lives? Could you tell that to the world? I doubt if I could, but Michael did.

Aside from his quirky personality, at the level of spirit, Jackson was mighty. It takes a mighty spirit to be able to hold the amount of attention Michael received from the entire planet. If you and I look into the mirror, take note of our flaws, and worry about that conspicuous blemish or what to do about our sagging neckline, we're not facing the same kind of scrutiny he did. Imagine having the eyes of the world on you, documenting every move you make!

As a teenager, Michael became painfully shy and embarrassed about his appearance after repeated tauntings by his father, calling him "Big Nose". He couldn't do enough plastic surgery to escape the man he saw in the mirror who, as he matured into his 20's, began to look more and more like the father he so dreaded. As his looks transformed, so did his behavior. The man who came to be known as "Wacko Jacko" emerged.

"Success definitely brings on loneliness. People think you're lucky, that you have everything. They think you can go anywhere and do anything, but that's not the point. One hungers for the basic stuff."

By the age of six, Michael's life was already headed away from a "normal" childhood and down a trajectory that seemed destined to have a less than happy ending. His death affirmed what those close to him had been predicting for months, perpetuating the mystery that also surrounded his life. Sadly, one doubts it could have ended much differently than it did.

Michael pushed himself to the limit in every area of his life. He was the consummate entertainer, bigger than Elvis, he was the King of Pop, who knew no boundaries, who sought to see how far he could fly and crossed the line between life and death. I have a feeling he lived very close to that line most of his life, as comfortable with the idea of death, maybe even more so, than with life.

We will remember Michael for two things: his unparalleled talent and the stain on his career and reputation related to his inappropriate behavior with young boys. Although acquitted on ten counts of molestation in 2005, Michael never recovered from the shame and humiliation of what he considered false accusations.

"I just want to say to fans in every corner of the earth, every nationality, every race, every language: I love you from the bottom of my heart. I would love your prayers and your goodwill, and please be patient and be with me and believe in me because I am completely, completely innocent. But please know a lot of conspiracy is going on as we speak."

Some say a Puer type would never consider sexual molestation an offense. Jackson thought it made perfect sense to want to share his bed with young boys. In his way of viewing the world, he'd done nothing wrong.

"I have spent my entire life helping millions of children across the world. I would never harm a child. It is unfortunate that some individuals have seen fit to come forward and make a complaint that is completely false. Years ago, I settled with certain individuals because I was concerned about my family and the media scrutiny that would have ensued if I fought the matter in court. These people wanted to exploit my concern for children by threatening to destroy what I believe in and what I do. I have been a vulnerable target for those who want money".

His career never recovered after his long trials and even at the time of his death, he was involved in multi-million dollar lawsuits involving contractual disputes. His upcoming comeback tour was planned to help him recover financially. It wasn't to be.

"I made a terrible mistake. I got caught up in the excitement of the moment. I would never intentionally endanger the lives of my children. I love my children. I was holding my son tight. Why would I throw a baby off the balcony? That's the dumbest, stupidest story I ever heard."

Notwithstanding the balcony incident, to his family and those who were close to him, Michael was a devoted father. His competency in this department however, was another issue. Michael's children were virtually raised by a nanny, Grace Rwamba, the only mother figure they've ever have known. Custody as been temporarily placed under the guardianship of his mother, Katherine, who is separated from Michel's father.

"Please, I don't want anybody to think I'm starving, I'm not. My health is perfect, actually."

Michael lost touch with the reality of the larger world and spent his final days as a recluse, financially broken, ill and wracked with pain, addicted to pain medication, his weight reported to be 112 pounds at the time of his death.

"I've been in the entertainment industry since I was six-years-old ... As Charles Dickens says, 'It's been the best of times, the worst of times.' But I would not change my career ... While some have made deliberate attempts to hurt me, I take it in stride because I have a loving family, a strong faith and wonderful friends and fans who have, and continue, to support me."

In 2007, Michael was prophetic. He must have seen the end coming around the not-so-distant bend.

"It all went by so fast, didn't it? I wish I could do it all over again, I really do."

With Jackson's death and that of so many other celebrities who died too soon, I'm left wondering: What is the starvation in our culture that has us consume our celebrities with such a voracious appetite?

James Hillman, renowned Jungian analyst, has suggested our culture itself is a Puer Aeternaus culture. Hillman sees us collectively locked into the "I won't grow up" Peter Pan syndrome as an antidote to the greater collective focus on war and negativity. We project our unlived lives onto the celebrities who chose to live out their lives in the glare of fame and fulfill our own desires for transcendence.

But the price for that fame is steep. All too often, caught up in its glare, celebrities end up like Michael Jackson, being burned on the pyre of fame and gone before their time. Jim Morrison, Anna Nicole Smith, Janis Joplin, Freddie Prinze, Jimmy Hendrix, Heath Ledger, John Belushi, Marilyn Monroe all flirted with the edge that transported them to a place where the boundaries between life and death became blurred and human rules no longer applied.

Michael's music will live on forever. As sad as is his death, it seems fitting we'll never see him truly grow old. Like Marilyn Monroe and others who died too soon, he will forever be frozen in time in our minds and memories, Peter Pan, the eternal boy, whose star burned brightly for a time and then suddenly went dark. May he find the peace in his death that eluded him in life.

Events that touch at the heart and soul of humanity can help us to to discover more about ourselves. Aside from whatever judgments you have about him and how he lived, what has Michael's death brought up for you? What has it made you more aware of about your own life? What have you put off because you told yourself "there's always tomorrow". What if there isn't?

I'd love to hear from you in the comment section here or on my personal blog at Rx For The Soul, www.judithrich.com. And while you're kanoodling around here, why not Become A Fan, and help spread the word by posting this article on your Facebook page?

Thanks for stopping by. I'll be away the next two weeks and plan to be back here in late July.

Blessings on the path, Judith

Follow Dr. Judith Rich on Twitter: www.twitter.com/dr_judithrich

Comments

[freespirittracy]

Dear Judith

Thank you so very much for your reply. To be honest it made me cry as I don't feel the people around me really understand how I feel.

Kindest regards

Tracy

[eternalflame]

Thanks Judith for your compassionate article about Michael Jackson. He was a very misunderstood soul.
I think that maybe there is a part of Michael Jackson in all of us. Because of his personal pain and deep compassion he could touch the deepest part of us. He reminds us of the best of human nature within us.
His music touched us because it contained the raw truth. He was very open and honest about himself. This scares some people. We are brainwashed into hiding our true selves by society. He had the courage to open up his soul for all to see. This is what made him special.
I think he would like us to celebrate our ordinariness.
I think that it would be really nice if we could reach out to the hurting children in this world, but also to the eternal child within ourselves. Reach out, honour and dignify.
With deep love and respect.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear freespirittracey,

I'm so touched by your comment. I feel exactly the same way as you. Two weeks after Michael's death, I'm struck by the media's continued fascination with all the lurid details of his drug use and just in general how the media treats celebrities. It makes me sick. I now just turn the channel as I don't want to hear about it anymore. It's time to let his soul rest in peace.

My heart aches for his children. I hope their lives can be protected from the glare of the media as Michael tried to protect them during his life. One can understand why he did this. He didn't want them to suffer the same fate as he.

God bless Michael and God bless you!
Judith

[freespirittracy]

Dear Judith

Thank you so very much for this post. Since Michael's passing I've been so sad, my heart feels heavy and the tears just keep flowing. I truly do believe Michael only ever tried to help others, especially the children of the world. Why did so many people say such awful things about him when he was alive? It hurt Michael deeply and I feel he never really recovered. We have no right to judge anyone, we all have failings, isn't that what makes us human? I believe in what Michael was trying to do. He was sensitive, gentle, kind and genuinely caring. I, like Michael, truly believe that every child is gifted and should be treated with the love and respect they deserve, then the world really would be a better place. I now find myself wondering what I can do to help carry on Michael's message. I know I need to make a difference. I sincerely hope we all learn from Michael's passing and reach out to one another in a positive way. May Michael finally rest in peace. At least no-one can hurt him anymore. May God watch over his beautiful children. I love you Michael and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love.

[MikeDu]

" The walls in his boyhood bedroom were covered with photos of Peter Pan"

I recently saw a video showing a large gaudy mural over the adult Jackson's bed depicting him as Jesus at the last supper. You used the Freudian term "Eternal Boy". I believe another term coined by Freud was "narissicist".

[Sunshine444]

Maybe he just wanted to thank his great inspirations. Or are you jealous. Read the whole story below:
"In 2003, when pop star Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch was raided in a search for evidence regarding child molestation charges, a pastiche of The Last Supper was found. A photograph of this piece of art was taken and it depicts a similar scene as in the original work, except this one has Jackson posing in the position of Jesus, with the apostles replaced by great creative figures of history. It hangs above Jackson's bed in his private quarters."
And no, you will never be as creative, intelligent, talented or loved as Michael Jackson. Best not to speak ill of the dead. By the way, the narcissists I've met all LOVE themselves, they don't struggle to change themselves constantly. He was a genius and our culture crucified yet another loving soul. That's the only Jesus analogy I can see.

[gi]

My bad correction disguised.

[gi]

All those people who had judge Micheal Jackson should really be judging themselves and not others. Despite his skin problems this man has gone through so much no one will ever know how and what he has gone through no one can ever stand in his shoes. Somehow he manged to touch a lot of peoples hearts all over the world. He desguised his skin color long enough until he couldn't manage it any longer. Now all these you tubes clips are showing up on Micheals skin condition I hope all you haters and those people who had judge him I hope you have learn a lesson. I to have vetiligo.

[jeniferinjapan]

This is a video I found on YouTube about Michael Jackson`s vitiligo. It`s very sad. He said it on Oprah. No one believed him. I don`t blame him if he didn`t want to show everybody, that`s his personal business, but how very sad. I feel bad that I didn`t believe him. Just goes to show that there are things going on in people`s lives beyond what we see. Whether people are walking around with physical scars, or mental scars, or emotional scars, we might never know. Maybe it`s best just to assume that we don`t know the whole story and stop with the snap judgements. Or maybe with the judgements at all. Seeing this video made me realize that we just can`t know what people are dealing with, so it`s best to have some compassion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQ6b7kHGsSg&feature=related

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Jeniferinjapan,

What an amazing video! I hope everyone watches it. It's so telling and even more evidence of how misunderstood Michael was. I doubted the truth of the story about vitilligo until I watched this video. There can be no doubt, I believe, that he did suffer this disease.

This beautiful man suffered a great deal throughout his life. I only wonder what his tortured soul agreed to take on in this life's journey to have been given such a complex set of gifts and challenges. It defies the imagination to try to understand, and so I accept the mystery of Michael, this tortured angel who came to teach us about loving one another.

I thank you so much for your wonderful comment.

Blessings,
Judith

[blaqntelligence]

Thank you for that information. Here are some more pictures re: Michael Jackson and vitiligo.

http://floacist.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/vitiligo-photos-michael-jackson/

http://floacist.wordpress.com/2007/07/29/vitiligo-photos-michael-jackson-andor-lupus-2/

http://floacist.wordpress.com/2007/08/30/michael-jacksons-vitiligo-discussion-6/

If the link doesn't work, copy and paste.

[blaqntelligence]

These postings are a balm for the soul.
Thank you all for a island of sanity in the madness surrounding this man's death.
It is here that Michael Jackson has regained his dignity...­..includin­g those who speak the truth about his personal demons.
So many refuse to believe that we can love and support him, loyally defend him while acknowledging his warts and wild hairs.
Contrary to the small and petty who insist that his supporters are mindless "fans/fanatics" screaming madly at the mention of his name, we neither idolize nor demonize. We accept.

As RoadCrossingChicken stated so elegantly:
"It is not smearing the man to realize he wrestled with some very real demons in his lifetime. Sometimes he won, but a lot of the time those demons destroyed little pieces of who he was."

[libbyb]

It would be fitting if, in his death, Michael Jackson succeeded in finally bringing the spotlight to shine on Borderline Personality Disorder, such a terrible mental illness of which he is a classic exemplar. Borderlines never grow up; feel hopelessly alone and empty; have no sense of identity (including, sometimes, gender confusion); undefined boundaries; a terror of being alone & yet an inability to maintain relationships; an inability to control emotions ... the list goes on. Of course they self-medicate! It hurts to be Borderline. In fact, it's a living death.
Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, Courtney Love, Britney Spears ... Could Michael be the one who finally brings this illness recognition and understanding?

[Dredd]

Good work. There is more than meets the eye in this story.

http://blogdredd.blogspot.com/2009/06/power-toxins-limited-to-government.html

[AngieMom57]

I just left you a very personal message on your site on the "Contact Me" link....www.judithrich.com.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Darling Judith, I was on the top of a mountain and my cell rang to my surprise... a friend saying Michael Jackson died. I cried and was deeply touched as it made me aware once again how fragile life really is..

here now then ..

Deb always says we are jut a blip in the Universe

so enjoy the journey

Happy 4th great lady,

Love,

Ed

[marysandra]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful article..I should be way too old to be a Michael Jackson fan, but I have loved him and his talent for 40 years..People keep referring to him as 'tragic' and a death at 50, in the midst of raising his children and preparing for a comeback is indeed, sad.
But I never bought the 'wacko' image, unless having your private life exposed for months on end, which could make anyone retreat, is 'wacko"..There are lots of days when I wish I was eccentric enough or rich enough to wear a mask, too. And anyone who suffers from insomnia and pain can relate to what a two headed monster that really is...but most of us are not preparing to face swarms of paparazzi every time we go to the grocery store. Heck, I would be a recluse too.
I believe that Michael did not retreat so much as he was chased away..
People who were close to him said he was surrounded by vultures, I believe that Michael was too good for this world..
Thanks again for your kind words about an incomparable talent and beautiful soul.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Marysandra,

I'm probably older than you are and I'm clearly a fan of MJ's. He was timeless. His music touched people of all ages. My daughters grew up to his music so it was in my life too.

I think you're spot on in your observation that Michael was chased away. Good point!

I hope wherever he is now, he can see how much we mourn his passing. I choose to celebrate his life and the legacy of his music. Rare gifts, indeed!

Blessings to you,
Judith

[blaqntelligence]

What beautiful words, thank you as well.

[Trickywoo]

Reading this was like finding an oasis in the desert. Most of the "news" (conjecture) in the media makes me want to scream! I nearly commented elsewhere that the world is, indeed, a vampire, like Billy Corgan sang. But reading this pulled me back from that brink. What has Michael's death made me aware of about my own life? Well, I'm more aware that life has been good to me. I've never had to deal with the troubles he had to confront every single day of his life. I've been surrounded by people who, for the most part, have cared about me, not about what they could get from me or use me for. So I guess I feel more okay with my "ordinariness." And look at all the good he did, even with the sadness and pain he lived with constantly. If he could use his celebrity status to do so much good, even with his quirks and oddities and living under such an unkind magnifying glass, how much more good can I do, given that I AM so "ordinary" and don't live under such malevolent scrutiny? The potential is staggering! So that's how I'll honor him--doing good where I can, being as creative as my talents allow. And . . . even though I'm middle-aged, I'll keep standing in front of my mirror now and then, practicing some of his killer dance moves! Nobody ever moved like that man moved. What a talent, and what a loss.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Trickywoo,

I LOVE it! What a wonderful tribute to Michael. Go be fabulous and ordinary. If Michael can inspire you to do good where you can and express your gifts, I think he'd be doing one of his famous yelps about now.

Thanks for your comment. I'm glad it brought you back from the brink. There's work to do. Go be wonderful......

Blessings,
Judith

[Sunshine444]

I am beginning to search for some positive memories to focus on instead of spending so much time in grief. Especially watch the last part. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhK1cKBut_o&feature=related
and also
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytAod-Equvk&NR=1
And comments seen elsewhere about how he treated his fans: "No star was more generous to fans (every member of the core group of Jackson fans that I met had, at some point, been invited into his house to have dinner or to watch movies and hang out). One time he handed out five handwritten letters that said things like ‘I can feel your energy through the walls. You inspire me so much. I love you all. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for loving me. With all the love in my heart, Michael Jackson. Two notes Jackson reportedly wrote to fans at the Los Angeles hotel he was staying at last November. “I truly love all of you; I am recording tonight, for all of you, you are my true inspiration forever. I am living for you, and the children,” he wrote in one. And “You make me sooo happy.… The sky is the limit. Higher consciousness always.… I love you. Michael Jackson.”
How very fortunate we are for being loved by this special being.
let us celebrate how he changed us, and become better ambassadors for his messages of love and peace in the world.

[Dr. Judith Rich - Huffpost Blogger]

Loved the videos..... couldn't agree more that we get to be ambassadors of love and goodness. Michael would be happy. He's still working to change the world, just from the "other side" now. Maybe he'll be even more potent!

Blessings,
Judith