Lonely. Who, Me? Yes You!
"My heart gets excited when I see you because I love you and am happy to be with you."
These words were uttered to me over the phone by a five year-old. She is my best friend's eldest daughter and she never fails to move me, sometimes to tears, with her emotional honesty and straight-forwardness. When I shared this story with my colleagues -- a group of oncologists, psychologists, social workers, and nurses -- one therapist remarked, "Can you imagine an adult saying that to someone else?!"
Actually, no. I can't imagine it. Can you?
The more I think about it, the more I realize how wise my little friend is. The ability to tell the people in our lives how important they are to us and to ask for their time has become rare in our society today.
It's not only that we are unwilling to pour our guts out to each other, it's that we have no one to share our guts with. A recent American study found that since the mid-eighties, the number of people we discuss "important matters" with has dropped from 3 confidants to 2. Even sadder, more than a quarter of the people in the survey said they have no one to talk to about things that are important to them.
Admitting to loneliness, telling people you need them, or expressing a desire to connect with others has become weirdly taboo. It's social suicide to show vulnerability and be honest with our feelings, so instead, we pretend we are "a-ok", moving along, being productive, and filling our time with more and more things to do.
The truth is that we are not all ok.
According to psychologists and psychiatrists, sixty million Americans suffer from depression and anxiety. Loneliness and social isolation are the root cause of many of these problems. Thousands of psychological studies show that socially isolated people are more depressed, more suicidal, and have more mental disorders and substance abuse problems than those who are socially connected and who have frequent face-to-face time with the people they love.
Ironically, the more opportunities we have to connect through technology like facebook, email, and affordable long distance, the more socially isolated we become.
Neighbors email and text each other instead of knocking on the door or dropping by unannounced.
We have hundreds of facebook friends, but can go days on end without speaking too, or seeing a single soul.
We order take-out, shop online, drive our private cars, and have our groceries delivered, all in the name of "saving time."
But what are we saving all this time for? Certainly not for socializing according to the research. The extra time is devoted to work-related things, spending more time online, or in the gym in the never-ending quest for "self-improvement."
This is terribly ironic. Most people, when they really think about it, say they are happiest and most fulfilled when they are spending time with family and friends, and yet, it is the one area we spend the least time cultivating.
When I teach my grief workshops, no one ever responds to my question about what they would want on their gravestone with, "was a dedicated worker." They want to be remembered for being a good wife, husband, friend, parent, teacher etc.
I don't need to cite any more research to make this point. You only need to think about your own life and when you were happiest to see that most of the time, it's our relationships that matter most.
So go on, don't just sit there. Tell someone today (and everyday!) that they make "your heart excited," because "you love them and are happy to be with them."
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So true Dr. Granek, I live in NYC, a city of millions and I have never seen more lonely people in my life, it's amazing how disconnected we can become even when "surrounded" by so many.
This article articulates what we all should remember daily. It is so critical to connect with others and to express openly and often how much they really mean to us. We often have others in our lives that make our hearts sing but we have to remember to listen. Thanks for the timely reminder!
What a great, insightful article!
When I first moved to Canada, I found the emotional climate cold and distant, and struggled to connect with people the way I had back home (South Africa). The busy-ness of life was so much more intense. Every meeting with friends had to be planned 2 weeks in advance. I just missed the spontaneity and joy of my old friendships. But over time, I discovered that the biggest part of connecting with others was adapting to new ways/habits, and accepting differences in people. Above all, I began to accept that what other people say and do is not always a reflection on me. That "healthy separation" between my core self and the rest of the world has been, and continues to be, a revelation. What I'm really saying is - I became less isolated when I learned to be okay with myself.
I have been stepping out of my comfort zone sharing with my few friends that I experience loneliness now that I am retired.
There are times when my phone does not ring all weekend and I know I created this conundrum for myself. Therefore, I decided to take the first step and share with those I care about that I now know what "loneliness" feels like.
Unfortunately, I have chronic pain in my leg that severely hinders my getting out and trying to meet others.
But I do agree that it is important to let your loved ones know where you are emotionally.
Well, my father is a dedicated worker. But by always doing a good job, he provides the family with all the best stuff that we can get. He doesn't say all the time that he loves us and cares about us, but he does that by always keeping all his promises in terms of familial responsibilities, etc. I think that really classifies him as being a good father. I don't think being dedicated to your career and being in a fulfilling relationships, whether it is as friends, husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers, are necessarily mutually exclusive.
What a great article. We are witnessing the isolation of the individual en masse. Very few people invest in true, meaningful connections with others. Saw a movie recently that made me think about this...it'
To get a real picture of loneliness, pick up Loneliness by Cacioppo and Patrick.
Loneliness, I cast you out! Good, now I can get back texting, emailing and posting silly comments on news sites.
I totally agree! I live in one of the busiest cities, with people around me constantly, but eye contact is an understood prohibition-- it's either threatening or flirtatious, never taken as simply friendly interest and desire for a connection to the outside world. It's sad really. And as for texting and emailing friends instead of visiting, unfortunately, or fortunately, we live in an increasingly global world, where our best friend might be out of town, or even out of country. So for these relationships, sometimes a phone call or email is the only way to stay current. But for those friends down the street or a subway ride away, it's sad that those people too we text instead of call, or email instead of visit. I don't know why that is except for somehow convenience won out over intimicy. We come home from our long day jobs exhausted, and want our precious weekend time to recuperate and store up energy for the work week ahead. It's sad, but is it avoidable? I'm not sure.
Yes--the isolation is suffocating. I would like to add there seems to be a stigma attached to letting someone know that you are interested in getting to know them. The comment is "he's hitting on her" or the other way around. Honestly, I don't know how to let someone know I would like to get to know them. I don't want to meet someone online. I want to connect, in person and have it be OK!
Hey, I moved to Spain because I thought the isolation would be more accptable there. After all, I can´t speak the language..
You are so right!!! Every time I say that to somebody, they seem to agree, but it does not go anywhere! I try to find people to go biking with or just go to the movies with, but they all seem to think it is a date. I must be doing something wrong, all I want is to connect with people around me, and I don't want to meet someone online.
Wow. 25%? I thought it was just me... dang.
Thanks for the article!
After reading your article, I had the same feeling with you.Yes, we are living in a speedy place and 24 hours seem never be enough to us. We are all hard working people because we devote ourselves to our jobs. Why? Because we need money, especially we are in recession. In order to save more time, we chose the most convenient way in our lives. Getting things done rapidly is in everyone's mind. Since we have a bunch of fast food resturants, we don't cook any more. Cooking is really wasting our time and energy. Since we have internet, cell phone, webcam,and any others, who wants to drive to someone's home and say Hi and stay one day long? It's not because we don't like to visit our friends but we don't really know what we can talk about after sitting down. Whenever they ask "How are you?", we all rely "Good" immediately even though the trueth is we are not because we all know everyone has busy life, who are willing to listen to us?
Yes, you're right, of course. But I'm not there yet. I'm still stuck in the - I'm mad as hell and I won't take it anymore - loop.
Regards.
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