The Shrink Society

I am a disillusioned shrink. A shrink who hates shrinks. Or at least a shrink who thinks we have become too dependent on psychologists and psychiatrists to solve our problems. This week alone I was told to go see a shrink, was asked to be someone else's shrink, and was turned to for a referral to another shrink.

In my own case, a therapist was recommended because I asked the existential question of what it means to love and be loved. In the second case, I was asked to be someone else's counselor who had just lost his wife to cancer, and who needed help "working through" his grief. The third case involved my 18-year-old friend whose first love, and long-term boyfriend broke up with her after three years of being joined at the hip.

How did these normal, every day matters of the heart become pathological and in need of professional help? Why are we incapable of helping each other with our problems? We have become a shrink society and it is not serving us well.

Going to a therapist for every day, normal, problems is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we go to therapists to deal with our issues, the more incapable we become of dealing with our problems, and the more intolerant we become of others suffering. It used to be that the three little healing words we heard from our friends and our family members was "I love you". Today, it's "see a shrink" instead.

Psychologists don't have any special powers. They can't wave a magic wand and make things better. The research on the effectiveness of psychological counseling is unanimous that what makes therapy work is the quality of the relationship you have with your therapist. It's called the Dodo Bird Effect. After reviewing hundreds of psychological studies that used all kinds of therapeutic techniques, researchers concluded that the type of therapy is irrelevant. What matters is that your shrink is warm, friendly, respectful, and a good listener. You don't need a PhD to offer this kind of support to your friends and family. For most people, listening without interrupting or trying to fix the problem is healing enough.

Not only does going to a shrink for every negative feeling and thought we have distance us from our loved ones, it also sends the message that unhappiness is a disease that needs to be treated. Americans are notorious for wanting band-aid solutions to their sadness and grief. We want to rush through our pain, medicate it away, or get through it as quickly and efficiently as possible. What is missing from this approach is that sometimes pain and suffering is a part of life, and that going through it may even have benefits. Our trials can give us perspective, wisdom, and experience if we don't rush through them.

I have nothing against therapy. I spent eight years slugging through graduate school because I believe there is value to our helping profession. I am a researcher who deals with grieving people every day. I have seen patients so destroyed by their sorrow, they cannot get out of bed, or imagine taking another breath. Denying them the emotional and psychological help they need would be cruel and counter-intuitive. But that does not mean that every sorrow or bad feeling needs professional intervention.

In all my years working in the field, I have learned that every being simply wants to feel loved, acknowledged, accepted, and validated. The cancer patients I work with, my friends who I adore, their children who I look after, my colleagues across the world, the neighbors next door, they -- we -- I -- all want the same things. To be seen and acknowledged, to be listened to and cherished, to be loved and appreciated.

To be receptive to this simple human wish does not require a professional degree or years of experience. All it takes is some time, some patience and a commitment to be open to the other. It's what everyone really wanted for Christmas, and the best part is that unlike therapy, it's totally free.

Leeat Granek earned her PhD in Psychology at York University in Toronto, Canada. She is currently working at Princess Margaret Hospital and Sunnybrook Odette Cancer Centre in Toronto, with cancer patients and their families.

Comments

[pazlight]

Great article Leeat-- we are so quick to judge others, consider them "abnormal" , and to want a "quick fix" for any problem. I think people would often rather go on a drug then face the reality of their life sometimes...

[Anne Dunev - Huffpost Blogger]

Excellent article! Thanks for this. I had a 20 year old patient in my office yesterday who is on ADHD medication because, when she has an audition, she gets a bit flustered and wants to stay focused. Learning to stay focused for career goals is a skill every adult needs to cultivate. That is part of the human process of "growing up". By medicating so many, we are denying them the opportunity to meet the challenges of life on their own, without dependency on chemical fixes. I find there are many natural medicines, with no side-effects, that help, even when emotions become overwhelming. There is a strong mind/body connection and when the mind is pushing--the body needs to push back. Yes, people do need help. How much better that they receive the real support they need, without chemical fixes that may carry serious risks. Not the least is which becoming too numb to feel anything--even joy.

[Lolade]

Great article!. I have been married to a psychiatrist for 23 years and worked with in non-profit family counselling for many years. (not as a therapist)

Leave the really problematic issues for the shrinks to deal with.

Putting it lightly, if you want to get something off your chest "Tell your mother/ hairdresser / aesthetician etc. So many people dump on them, they'll never remember your actual words, plus you look good and your hair/skin looks great.

Unfortunately, every one sees themselves as shrinks these days and have read way too many self help books. When pseudo shrinks ask if I have trust issues, my response is - You bet I do, why the heck should I trust you and how have you earned it?

It's really simple - if you want a good friend, you must first learn how to be a good friend. If you want love, you must learn how to love and that includes yourself.

Let's not overanalyze every single emotion and realize that in living life, we must accept the good and bad so that we completely appreciate our being alive.

Besides I know first hand how messed up so many shrinks are anyway, so why would I see one of them!

Fantastic article! (btw E. Jean, you are beyond fantastic!)

[MJSGK]

This is a wonderful article that challenges us all to consider whether therapy is a short cut from facing our own emotions and those of others. Whether through therapy or through open communication, we have to face the reality that working through emotions is a process that takes hard work, determination and honesty. Well said, Dr. Granek.

[vstar]

I've heard comments like this before but what about us who don't have family we can turn to? Or that family is part of the problem as to why we don't cope well. Also, there are times you are in deep pain and you can't keep just going over and over it with friends. I don't see therapist as miracle workers but there was a time I was very glad to have one as a confidant and support system while I was healing.

[QueenOfViolets]

My shrink has done a lot of good for me. I got myself into a very powerless position on institutionalized sexism that made me very angry and it was only a neutral and well-trained party who could help me sort it out.

My family wasn't going to help me because they were part of the problem. I tried too hard to please them and lost my boundaries. My peers weren't going to help me because they were suffering from the same sexist environment I was stuck in. There was only so much we could do for each other. They also had to consult neutral well-trained hired listeners to help them unravel the power structures and anger structures that were holding them in place.

I'm much better now at understanding my own feelings and standing up for how I feel rather than trying to fit into what other people have decided they want from me or who they have decided to believe I am.

There was absolutely no other way I could have claimed my power over my life than the way I did it. There was nobody in my environment at the time who was not in some way a part of the problem that overpowered me, either as a perpetrator or an enabler or a fellow victim.

And now that environment has changed enormously, because the women overpowered by it got healed enough to stand up and make it change.

[fleaba]

I recommend the Byron Katie work. It's easy and anyone can do it with another person. Or you can do it online. It is simple. It also puts the entire responsibility of how you are reacting to reality directly upon yourself. It's not for the feint of heart.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

BRILLIANT!! I am book-marking this!

[Dr. Leeat Granek - Huffpost Blogger]

E. Jean, this is a thrill coming from you! Your column is the first I read when I get my Elle every month! Thank you for your kind words.

[ailbhe]

Excellent article. While some people undoubtedly need specialist help due to mental illness or traumatic events, most are better left to solve their own problems.

Therapy culture is a multibillion dollar industry, it relies on convincing people that they are incapable of dealing with their own life and must have somebody else 'help' them with every decision.

It promotes extreme self absorption, encouraging intense scrutiny on every emotion and how everything (and everybody) makes you feel. It teaches people to constantly gaze at their navel looking for a new emotion that will cost thousands to dissect.

An increasing number of adults are infantilised as they are overindulged by their parents until they grow up (and some long after), when faced with the real world they replace parental dependency with 'expert' dependency. They have never learned to make decisions or cope with adversity by themselves.

[OtayPanky]

ailbhe: While some people undoubtedly need specialist help due to mental illness or traumatic events, most are better left to solve their own problems.

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Exactly so.

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ailbhe: Therapy culture is a multibillion dollar industry, it relies on convincing people that they are incapable of dealing with their own life and must have somebody else 'help' them with every decision.

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Even though most therapists would deny it, therapy culture is almost entirely self-serving. Therapists and life coaches NEED clients who feel confused and incapable of finding their own way. It NEEDS a socieity where there are no NATURAL structures to provide support, coaching and mentoring.

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ailbhe: It promotes extreme self absorption, encouraging intense scrutiny on every emotion and how everything (and everybody) makes you feel. It teaches people to constantly gaze at their navel looking for a new emotion that will cost thousands to dissect.

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Just look at 99% of the stuff that comes across the transom here. Tips, tips and more tips - from how to wipe your butt to how to pet your dog. And then there's "Dr. Phil" style therapy: blithely giving people counsel based on a one paragraph email. Instructions on how to be happy.

Like the welfare system that creates muligenerational dependency, this system of therapy culture is doing the OPPOSITE of what it intends to do.

[patchlunga]

I hear the passion in your voice and look forward to reading more. Here are my thoughts: Many people do not feel that family is the place to go to, for soothing of pain and confusion. Many times family is the cause of pain and can make one feel alienated in the world. In these circumstances a shrink can be vital in one validating themselves.

[OtayPanky]

Dr. Leeat Granek: We have become a shrink society and it is not serving us well.

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You hit the nail on the head.

The OPRAH-FICATION of society - the mass trance that says we simply can't get along, much less function well, without therapists and life coaches and other "pay for play" validations has created a nation with ossified backbones.

Consider HuffPo's LIVING pages: Self-styled experts tell everyone else how to be happy, how to have sex, how to breathe, how to find a job, keep a job and leave a job. It's absurd.

Yes, there are people who are truly mentally ill and terribly confused - whether from nature or nurture or life circumstance. But they are a tiny fraction of those who pay to play in the therapizing of America.

While the country was awash in money, there was lots to be made - first from the insurance companies who approved unlimited visits for the "worried well" - and then, when that stopped - from the morphing of therapists into "life coaches", charging $200 - $350/hour.

Never mind that the whole thing exacerbated the "two America" syndrome. It's actually made the "haves" emotionally dumber than the have nots...kind of like the nobles in Rome eating off of fine lead china.

The party's over. The de-leveraging has begun. More and more therapists and coaches are going to be competing for a shrinking pool of dollars. Time to thin the herd.

[LordMoon]

Finally some honesty...

shrinks often find themselves taking the place of relationships that don't exist....
or being drowned by the constant flood of the emotional needy into their lives...

psychological pain, like rust never seems to sleep...

[Danielle123]

Leeat, You have a gift when it comes to expressing yourself. I love your writing! I agree with many of your points....although there is a place for therapists­...perhaps many of us can try to heal ourselves.

[littlemiss]

I love the way you write (and have become a fan of yours), but I think I have somewhat of a different perspective. I have recently started seeing a "shrink" and am grateful for the "everyday" sort of help she gives me. It's not that I am not able to talk with family and friends, and I know they would be supportive of me, but sometimes I don't just need someone to listen but I need to learn "tricks" to dealing with everyday problems. I understand that you are not saying people should never go see a shrink, but I guess i'm at a point where I am grateful for the extra help. Also, I am also comfortable speaking with her because she is not too warm, or friendly, but she is a good listener and she is respectful. I guess I like that because it makes me feel she is not too close and instead of trying to fix my issues she is showing me the tools. I am growing and going forward!

[Alex Pattakos - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Leeat,

Nice message! And thank you for helping to "humanize" the practice of psychotherapy, psychiatry, and psychology. To be sure, it's important to put them into a context of everyday "living."