One week ago, I wrote an article entitled, "5 Ways to Get Your Wife to Have More Sex with You." It is a short piece based on a digital guide that I am writing for Good In Bed.
Fox News published the article online. And needless to say, some people were really ticked off.
As soon as the piece went live, men started writing to me. Instead of thanking me for my wisdom (being facetious here), they were angry. I was called every name in the book, plus a few I had never heard before. These readers were upset that I had made "archaic" generalizations about them. While yes, there were some generalizations made, they exist for a reason. I didn't just pick these tips out of mid air. I actually talked to women - wives, girlfriends, partners - and this is what they wanted men to know.
Are relationships 50/50? Definitely. Are we responsible for the issues in our relationships, too? Of course! But I was asked to write a piece for men...not women. If and when I am asked to write a similar article for women, I will hold them -- us -- accountable, too.
Do I really believe that all men are pigs who are incapable of communication, love, and affection? Seriously? Of course not. But there are still a lot of men out there who get their information about relationships from television shows, pornography, and that age old sexual double standard. So this was written for the benefit of those men -- and for the benefit of the women who asked me to share this information. (And by the way, if you're getting a sufficient amount of sex, then why are you reading my article anyway?)
But what these men have clearly missed is that the article is snarky, sarcastic, and all done with humor. If you don't get the humor...well, there's nothing I can do about that.
In case you were wondering, here are some things I learned from men this week:
1. Some men have no sense of humor whatsoever.
Bradley says: what blows my mind is how you think a man is supposed to kiss his wife's ass just to get some and if a man can't do the things you said then he obviously doesn't like his wife as a person and not only shouldn't get ass but needs a divorce.No. I said that we shouldn't treat our wives like porn stars or grope them. (Touching and groping are two different ways of showing affection. Groping is not considered a respectful or consensual behavior.)
2. Some men think that once I start aging, I won't be advocating on behalf of women my age.
JD tells me: Looking out to the period twenty to thirty years from now, do you think you will be writing tips to get the husbands more interested in the post-menopausal, sixty-ish or older wives? You should be enjoying, but of course moderating, all the attention you are getting now. You won't be so hot in the future.
Was that last line supposed to be a compliment? JD, let me be the first to tell you that people of all ages are entitled to good sex. And yes, I will be advocating for high quality senior sex, too.
3. Some men would rather pay for sex than engage in a relationship that you have to work at.
DG writes: Uncommitted sex, whether it is paid for or otherwise is SO much better anyway.
4. Some men (in this case, a man named Jim) just don't get it...and never will
Jim says: All I hear is what men should do to please their women. Just once I'd line to hear one of you femi-nazi's recommend to women to perform sex the way a man wants -- no snuggling, no talking, just come into the bedroom and go to work on achieving an orgasm. That's right, do everything that tells us you can't wait for us to come. Maybe then men will want to listen to all of the countless articles and tv shows that do nothing but tell me how to have sex as a woman.
Hey Jim, have you ever seen Cosmo, Playboy, or any other magazine? Does Spike TV have a show telling you how to "Have Sex as a Woman"? Sorry I must have missed that episode. Women are told from the time they are born that there are many things they need to do, look like, or be in order to get a man - as if that was a measure of success (BTW, that too is sarcasm.). And it may shock you, but some of us do have sex "like a man" (even though that's a huge generalization). But try a little reciprocation. It goes a long way.
5. Some men don't realize that relationships evolve and you actually need to work at them before you cheat.
i.e. Mike says: We got married and you changed. I didn't. My sex drive and approach didn't change, you changed after you had me hooked. Well, the woman I cheat with behave like you did before we were married. You want me to stop cheating, then step up your game.
This is only a small sample of what I received. Many men wrote letters that were 700 words or longer! So I have come to one very big conclusion. If men spent half as much time on their wives as they did drafting scathing emails to me, they'd probably be having a lot more sex.
To you men who understood the purpose of the original article, I am not talking to you:)
Follow Dr. Logan Levkoff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/LoganLevkoff
Kathy Barthel: Senior Sexuality Is Alive and Well
If you rarely or never help out with chores around the house, constantly complain about anything and everything, have some kind of superiority complex and feel the need to jump up on your pedestal at every turn, or turn every talk into a lecture or an avenue by which you illustrate for us just what a know it all you are........you will be getting the shrug off.
If things have dried up, take a good hard look at your behavior and the things that come out of your mouth...what you might mean as a joke over time just leads to built up resentment....it's hard to feel sexy when you are constantly being told in some way that you aren't good enough, smart enough, or whatever...it's impossible to want to be intimate with someone who makes you feel unloved or undervalued, or bad about yourself. I told my boyfriend he would know he was misbehaving if things dried up....guess how long it's been...his behavior changed once he moved in, and he can't see what is wrong with it...you know how this story ends.
So I focus on "getting him off" as quickly as I can and then fake an orgasm so it can be over. Problem is, he can't seem to "get off" unless it's something that is really uncomfortable or borderline painful for me.
Sex is something I dread and cannot wait until its over. It's a lot of work for me with very little payoff. They don't call it "wifely duties" for nothing! At least if I wash the dishes or vacuum the floor, I can enjoy the results.
So if telling or showing doesn't work, and the whole thing becomes another joyless chore, well exCUSE ME if I lose interest.
My guess is your woman, or women, quickly lose interest. Ever wonder why?
This is a rhetorical question, right? I mean, the title had sex in it. So I read it.