I was once attending a business/networking event. The attendees were owners of the fastest growing companies in the U.K. I sat beside a beautiful and incredibly elegant lady who accompanied her husband that day. We talked about the event, the speakers, her husband's business, food, etc. She asked me what I did and I told her that I was a coach and explained a bit more about the kind of coaching I do. When I asked her the same question, the expression on her face changed from bright and smiling to a grim one and she said: "Oh I'm just a mother of three and a housewife."
Unable to understand why she said that in such a depreciative tone, I nearly shouted, "Wow," to which she looked at me as if I misheard her! My response was genuine and wholehearted because, as far as I'm concerned, being a mother, let alone a mother of three, is one of the hardest, most time consuming jobs in the world (and probably one of the reasons why I am not a mother myself yet). To bring up children to be happy, confident and ready to conquer the world is a full-time job and should be recognized as such and applauded. It was very clear to me that it was exactly because she stayed at home that her husband could dedicate a lot of his time to work and to create a successful business so that their family could benefit from it and, she said, he still managed to be a very hands on dad.
When I told her that the smile reappeared on her face and we talked some more. While I have always been able to observe how the chase after success affects us, it was there and then, when it really hit me as I realized the extent to which the current definition of success has an impact on how we view ourselves and others; how far too often the status, fame and a bank balance are the only worthy and ambitious goals or achievements that count.
Let's face it, in general, we are considered successful if we have a certain profession (and a status that comes with it), a certain house and a car (not just any car, of course), we wear certain clothes (that is certain brands) and we hang out in certain circles; we go to certain restaurants and attend certain events. The "certain" is determined by the society and groups within the culture we live in. The "certain" is the external impression; it is the image that we project and according to which we perceive others.
There is nothing inherently wrong with the current definition of success which, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is described as: 1. "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose" or 2. "the attainment of fame, wealth and social status." It is the latter meaning that's tricky because too often it determines how we view ourselves and how we view others. It is when we attach a "value" and "a worth" to others which depend on what they do, what they wear and who they hang out with.
The social settings (conferences, parties, networking events, etc.) can become a reason why many of us feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, if what we currently do (when the "what do you do" question is a standard conversation starter right after the "nice to meet you") doesn't match the current definition of success. It becomes even harder when we know that what we do isn't that impressive or glamorous enough, not to mention when we are unemployed and struggling to find a job or have trouble figuring out what we want to do. Whether aware or not, we compare ourselves to those who we perceive as successful and watch our moods go down and our self-esteem drop.
I consider myself really fortunate that some years ago I understood that nothing on the "outside" creates what I feel on the inside, that no amount of money or material possessions, no job, not even people have anything to do with my happiness or well being. I say fortunate because now I simply cannot imagine how I'd feel or how my life would look like if I was depending my self-worth and value on anything or anyone. And yet, it is also my human nature to sometimes forget that. It is when I fall into the mental trap because in that moment it appears to me that my achievements and success are not enough, usually because I started to compare myself to others and to judge myself harshly by analyzing how how little I have achieved and how much more I should be doing, having or being!
When this happens I ask myself (and often ask others) a number of questions:
How would you see yourself if there was no pressure to be successful?
How would you feel about yourself if you didn't compare yourself to those who appear to be successful?
How would your professional and personal goals differ, if you were to follow your own definition of success?
How would you relate and speak to anyone you encounter in your life if their worth and value did not depend on their status, fame or wealth or even what they wear?
At the end of the day we all have a story, we all care about something, we all have goals we either fail or succeed to achieve. We all encounter obstacles and deal with different challenges life brings. But what if the measure of success was simply being alive, getting up each day, trying our best to the best of our abilities in the moment, and with the knowledge and means that we currently have to live a happy life? What if our humanness was successful enough?