A Psychiatrist, Executive Coach And FBI Hostage Negotiation Trainer Provides The Secret To Getting Through To Anyone

Have you noticed that the pace of our society seems to get faster all the time? People report having less in-depth, meaningful conversations, yet have more breadth of connection--more "contacts" in their online Rolodex. Twitter, Facebook and other new media tools have given us the ability to connect at an unprecedented level in terms of quantity of connections. More books on how to use these tools for networking are flooding the marketplace to join the already countless books on how to increase your bottom line with more goals, techniques, and action-oriented steps.

Could these new media tools and productivity philosophies be compromising our ability to be present with people? We may have thousands of Twitter "followers", a few hundred Facebook "friends", an ever-growing to-do list that we keep up with, and our goals categorized by long-term, short-term, and immediate. These accomplishments can give us a somewhat distorted sense of success.

Certainly these tools can be an aid to business and personal connection, but where can we find help to balance these action-oriented suggestions? We don't want to fall into the trap of being too busy "doing" and forget the other part of communication: being present, listening, caring.

Dr. Mark Goulston's Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone is the perfect book to bring back balance when focusing on productivity and efficiency has compromised the quality of your business or personal relationships.

Dr. Goulston brings a unique blend of expertise to this subject. He has been a UCLA professor of psychiatry for more than 25 years, an executive coach, and has trained FBI and police hostage negotiators. Seems like the perfect qualifications to show us how to get through to absolutely anyone.

As a non-fiction junkie, I've read countless books on health, biographies, self-help, spirituality, personal growth--you know, the kinds of subjects you often find here at HuffPost Living. Truth be told, a lot of books coming down the pike are basic concepts repackaged, and at this point I find myself just skimming through some books looking to see if there is a pearl or two from which I can glean some wisdom.

When Just Listen came to my office, I was intrigued. I skimmed though it one day as I was eating breakfast, although this was a different type of skimming. I skimmed though it because I was fascinated with the material and couldn't slow down to read every word. So after my initial skimming, I read the entire book...three times. It was that kind of book so rich in wisdom that every time I read it, I felt like it was the first.

What was different? Unlike a lot of professional and personal books that have goal setting, efficiency, and more action-oriented tasks as the focus, Just Listen is the refreshing opposite. Dr. Goulston shares with readers how a more receptive approach is necessary. Instead of trying to force the close of the deal, the job promotion, or a resolution to a family challenge, he provides guidelines and practical suggestions on how to allow these developments to take place more naturally and authentically.

The book offers down-to-earth and doable advice on how to communicate with just about anyone. Drawing upon his clinical experience, coaching expertise, and his own personal challenges as a husband and father, he gives us a lively read with Just Listen's conversational tone.

Dr. Goulston provides a guide to evaluate how well we are actually communicating. "Listening between the words," providing an "empathy jolt," and how to effectively and peacefully get through to angry, resistant, and narcissist people are a few of the many jewels presented.

I asked Dr. Goulston to share his inspiration for Just Listen:

As a psychiatrist for 25 years, I have observed that people just weren't listening. I have noticed that people have a deep need to be listened to and cared for, but often don't want to develop the ability to listen and care for others.

I've seen people negotiating more than relating. Relating requires pausing and listening to what someone else is saying without any other agenda other than understanding exactly what they meant to say. The listening you do validates that what they meant to say is worthy of being listened to. Being actually listened to instead of just heard is very healing to the human spirit.

Continuing to listen deeply is the only thing that keeps aloneness and loneliness away. As soon as you stop listening and stop caring, aloneness and loneliness come back, and alienation is right behind it.

WATCH: Dr. Goulston shares one of many experiences where "listening between the words" dramatically decreased resistance in a high-powered CEO:

If your pursuit of quantity (more, bigger, better) has compromised the quality of your life Just Listen can help you get it back. If you've gotten out of the habit of truly listening, being empathetic, and having a deeper connection on a personal or professional level, there are practical techniques to help one develop those qualities that may have gotten lost in pursuit of productivity--or may have never been there to begin with.

An incentive to read this book might be to close more deals, increase sales, or improve business and personal relationships. Following Dr. Goulston's pearls of wisdom will most likely result in achieving these reasonable goals. I also predict that the surprise side effect of employing his strategies for more mindful communication will result in more happiness, peace of mind, and a richer quality of life.

Have you found yourself caught in the busyness of life, compromising your ability to be truly present? I'd love to hear your story, and any tips you might have for our readers.

For more pearls of wisdom from Dr. Goulston, visit http://justlistenthebook.com.

His book is available on Amazon and you can follow him on Facebook.

Follow Dr. Patricia Fitzgerald on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drpatriciafitz

Comments

[lungfish]

Listening to others is a powerful tool but its only half the battle.

Let me know when anyone has a good idea on how to get people to listen to you when you need them to...

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

How do you get someone to listen to you? Try saying this to them:

"When might be a good time to tell you something when I can get your undivided attention and when you'll be willing to hear me out and after which you can say anything at all back to me?"

[GrumpyOldGeek]

I believe that the skills required to become an effective listener can be taught. Practicing these skills is essential. A 'Sales School', if it's any good, focuses mostly on listening skills and practice, practice, practice.

I learned that I can get through to more people if I listen effectively. Not everyone, though. I try to understand that I've done my part and listened. It helps if you think about how you feel when someone else listens to you. Here's some of my observations:

After you ask a question, shut up. Wait until the other person speaks no matter how long the silence lasts.
If you tend to interrupt, do everything in your power to remember not to interrupt. Facial expressions and gestures are interruption.
Don't finish someone else's sentences.
Try not to think about what you're going to say next. Many, many, people don't listen because they're so concerned about what others will think of them and what they say. The fact is that, most of the time, nobody listens to what you say anyway.
If you find yourself planning a two-way conversation before meeting someone, just start laughing at yourself. I've noticed that a surprising number of people just go ahead an plan entire imaginary conversations. Good luck with that.

Anyway, this book sounds like a winner.

[Bertalein]

I believe that one has to learn to listen as a child, in order to be an effective listener.
Also one has to be listened to as a child. I learned that from my own experience. I really had to learn how to listen without thinking ahead or already thinking about on how I wanted to respond.
Just plain listen on what a person had to say.
I think that is a simple truth.

[lungfish]

I teach freediving as a sort of yoga and the first thing I teach people is how to raise their awareness and focus it in the present. I teach them to listen intently without listening to anything in particular. Without processing what they hear, without forgetting what they hear... an act that automatically brings folks into the now and away from worries... of course the benefit of this is that it lasts longer than my training sessions and, combined with breathing patterns, becomes a tool to enhance one's relationship with everything.
So I agree with the premise, may have to buy the book..
Thanks.

[51bernie]

This Just Listen model can go a long way if our corporate execs and national leaders could actually adopt it. Listening and relating seem to be the new trend in leadership - Gary Cohen just relased the book JUST ASK LEADERSHIP which also claims that we might all be talking to loud and not asking for and receiving feedback from those around us.

[youknow]

Are you reciprocating? Or tell us truthfully how much did you get paid for this excellent promotion of his book?

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

Would you believe it if I told you that I didn't have to pay Huff Post a penny and that the enthusiasm is sincere?

Since you like to offer challenges I'd like to see if you're willing to accept one.

I would like to you ask the important people in your life:
a) How often they feel you listen to them with an open mind
b) If they respond, "Not often," ask them, "How does that impact your satisfaction and enjoyment of our relationship?"
c) If they respond that it negatively affects them, frustrates and hurts them, ask them what you could do differently going forward to correct that.
d) And if you care about them, do what they suggest.

Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

[youknow]

I read your response to my wife and her response was "good for you", that is YOU. Well I am glad there is still some genuine enthusiasm in this SO commercial world. Pardon me for having a healthy dose of cynicism, that helps me to protect myself from this so frustrating world of lies, deceit, dishonesty and plain old meanness. I guess now I will have to go out and buy your book (orders from my wife). Good Luck with your book

[gcohen]

Mark someone who follows Patricia suggested I read this article about your new book. Firstly congratulations! I sounds like this is not your first. I just wrote a book Just Ask Leadership. It seems a perfect companion to your book Just Listen. It seems there is way to much telling out in the world. I loved the article and I will enjoy picking up your book. I hope it sells millions - it is certainly a desperately needed skill by parents, teachers, business leaders, employees and on and on.....

Thank you for sharing your insights with us by writing a book - I have only learned recently what it means to give yourself to a book.

[politicky]

I can't believe we have to be told this. It seems rather elementary to me.

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

It should be elementary and I think it is a sad commentary on the quality of our lives how listening has slipped away from us. By the way my favorite quote of all time is relevant to the topic. It comes from Wilfred Bion (1897-1979) who said:

"The purest form of listening is to listen without memory or desire."

I believe he meant that when we listen with memory we have an old agenda we are trying to plug people into; when we listen with desire we have a new agenda that we're trying to plug people into. In neither case are we listening to the other person's agenda. I am an advocate for being a PAL which stands for Purposeful Agendaless Listening.

BTW my second favorite quote comes from Tim Gallwey, author of "The Inner Game of Stress:"

"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day;
If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime;
But if you teach a man to learn, you feed him for a lifetime
and he doesn't have to just eat fish."

[lymphomaniac]

Dear Patricia:

This article is profound. In our busy lives...wh­ere do we find solice and peace? I believe you have the answer, and that is to LISTEN. This is the one way we connect with people, rather than try to manipulate the outcome to be what we want it to be. The movie was so impactful to me. When we come from caring, we get to hear and be heard and connect. Then the outcome is perfect for all people concerned. Thank you for your brilliant presentation and for the messages. I am grateful to be a part of your messages! Judy Taylor

[wehrke]

Years ago I had a mentor tell me that you have two ears and one mouth, and you should use them in the same proportion. Great piece....

[Wiseronenow]

Wow! This is powerful stuff and especially watching the video. I'm buying the book today.

[Mark Goulston, M.D. - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your interest and support. I hope you'll let me know how you like the book.

[Wiseronenow]

Dr. Goulston: Thank you for the response back and yes, I will surely let you know how I like the book.

[elizlucinda]

Can we try those techniques with the Republicans and health care?

[Trueheart]

Absolutely. It has to work better than calling opponents names like: "hillbillies, rednecks and poor white trash." A popular trend right now....on this very site. Not conducive to communication.

[Nobrun]

What a joke. Communication involves two parties. Repubs should take time off from 'praying for Obama to die' and listen to what they are saying before blaming everyone else. This 'popular trend' is a natural response to stupidity. Try using these techniques when someone shouts 'you lie!' in the middle of your sentence and tell me how it works out.

[spottery2k]

King Croesus of Lydia (5th century BC) sought the council of the Oracle of Delphi concerning his desire to attack Cyrus the Great, King of Persia. The Pythian Preistess sat atop her tripod, overcome by the vapors symbolic of the great python slain by Apollo, and as the vessel through which the God spoke she uttered "A MIGHTY KINGDOM SHALL FALL" Croesus took this to be a good sign...unt­il too late he realized it would be his own kingdom to fall.

There is listening and there is listening carefully. The universe is speaking to you.

[lastpost]

“I have observed that people just weren't listening.­”

You only need to listen, if you are attempting to acquire data from an external source (reality). With the obligatory active internal rendition of reality in situ, you may prefer to refer to this instead. This internal mental simulation of external reality presents a passable appearance of actual reality. But can be adapted to incorporate features, not necessarily found elsewhere in the Universe.

Experiment: Borrow someone else’s “program”, by asking them how they understand the workings of something to be. Install that operating system in your own mental processor. Then run it, until it “crashes” into itself. You have now discovered a bug lurking in that brain. The next and more difficult part of the process, is tracking down the bugs hiding inside your own brain.

[tdh]

Better yet, meditate.

[tgv4567]

I look forward to every article that you write Patricia, as they are always uplifting, insightful and easily digested. I hope you'll write more often and thank you!

[redplanet]

Here's what happens when you really listen and then follow through with an authentic response that shows you heard what was said: you get so many damn phone calls all the time because you have now become the ONLY person in so many people's lives who pays attention to them. You know have people who think you are their best friend.

I am very good at active listening and responding. It began with my kids (and works extremely well there) and I began using it with acquaintances. I had to back pedal a lot because it became overwhelming. I also noticed no one was giving back to me what I gave to them. I would say something and they did not respond to what I had said but what they wanted to say. I got tired.

I am glad more are learning about this. Too few practice it.

[malodorousgit]

It's true, this is a problem I have too. The trick probably is to only listen when you actually want to. I mean, it seems to me he's talking about situations where he actively wants to make real contact with somebody, not just letting any and everybody vent at him all the time.

[WIpatriot]

So true, redplanet. I found myself becoming the "office therapist" because everyone felt so good after talking to me. Relationships were not deepened, on the contrary, they became one-way streets of too much information. On the plus side, my GM recognized this skill set and incorporated mentorship into my daily activities.