"Old age was the proper time to fall in love. It was the proper time to suffer romances and jealousy and lose your head...old age...when you felt things more and could spare the time to go dead nuts over a person and understand how fine a thing it was."
This from Annie Dillard's historical fiction about a clash of cultures in Puget sound during the late 1800s may seem at once reckless, silly, or absurd; some may even find it downright disgusting!
In fact, just after reading and down at my local watering hole, I discussed the notion that the life, times and experiences of older adults might provide a deeper understanding for expressing and engaging the full richness of romantic relationship, with all its pleasures and pitfalls.
UGH!...my mistake...wrong venue, wrong audience...the winces and twisted looks from the crowd, men of all ages and younger women (where were the older damsels, just my luck!) as they tried to imagine romantic intimacies between 50-to-80-year-olds or heaven forbid, even older, said it all. The younger and older men questioned why a man would want to have sex with an older woman, while the young women seemed to silently agree, or at least not offer any vocal opposition.
It gets worse. As there were no midlife or older females in the crowd, I became the defender of the faith of my truth that older women are among the brightest and most beautiful bulbs in the garden of light. I held my increasingly shaky ground, battling for the honor and virtue of the whole world of mature womanhood until I was finally forced from the place by a ballyhoo of barking reminiscent of the social faux pas of mentioning toileting habits while fine dining.
Lesson learned, maybe a bar is not the best place for such conversation. On the other hand, is it not a bit strange to be living in a society where the notion of sex and sexuality for mature folks receives such vivid and resounding disgust and disapproval, not to mention punishment in terms of being ostracized. Would I now be an outcast at my local spot, the creepy guy who likes to have sex with older women, a line somewhere between sex with a sheep and necrophilia!
In my dissertation "Invisible: Sexual Invisibility and Baby Boomers", I reported on the stories of participants who felt that they had experienced or were experiencing here-to fore anecdotal term called Sexual Invisibility (the feeling that one is no longer a sexual being or recognized as such by others). Women who said that men looked through them like a piece of glass once they turned 50. Men who were metaphorically reduced to eunuchs, not only by younger women, but by age appropriate women who long ago bought into a societal bias that equates sex with youth and removes any notion of sexuality from midlife and older adults. I heard tales of community exile and other social punishment for any real expression of sexuality at a certain age. Then there were men and women quite content to have had their sexuality exorcised, convinced that it was both proper and convenient for their time of life. Some of these folks played their part well, perfect little old ladies and gentlemen, replete with appropriate gait, stoop, wardrobe and makeup, all in an effort to fit into a cultural standard that is quite literally at odds with the true nature of men and women.
WELLBEING
It may come as no surprise that there can be an emotional and physical toll on the wellbeing of those who are unwittingly drawn into the spell of sexual invisibility. If life is a road towards authenticity, it may be like leaving your passion at highway marker 50. It may also speak to rising anxiety levels for those not living or being allowed to live in the full expression of their natural or biological being.
At this point, Dr. Robert, the psychologist, should cite research refuting the societal brainwashing regarding sexuality and aging, but I won't go there.
Instead I'll just recite the anti-researcher mantra and say trust me, the youth=beauty=sex paradigm is simply not so.
We, here on the water planet, are sexual creatures from the womb to the tomb.
So back to Annie Dillard; if you buy into the notion that past all reading, internet, film, TV, classroom learning or friendly and paternal explanation....past all of that...maybe the ultimate knowing comes with life and the experiences of pain, loss, pleasure, magic and wonderment.
So couldn't it make a plain ole' funny kind of sense that life and love can be great practice for what is to come? The idea that our relationships, personal, casual, intimate, sexual, crazy and otherwise are but building blocks for big, bright moments to come, seems sweet, exciting, optimistic, and fun, at least for a single old boomer like myself.
So for those of you wanting to put me over in the corner in the sexless seat of slobbery reminiscence.... I don't think so.
And to quote that great sage and philosopher Popeye, I am what I am; an older guy ready to apply all my life and love experiences, failures, and successes so that I might finally make the perfect fool of myself in love... again.
Dr. Robert Lusson is a licensed clinical psychologist currently living and working in Los Angeles, California. He may be reached at robert@drlusson.com
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