Creating A False Self: Learning To Live A Lie

Why Would Someone Create a False Self?

We all, to some extent, cultivate a false self for protection, but most of us are aware of it, we know we're putting on a bit of an act in certain situations. But those whose false self functioning has become compulsive and unconscious are not aware of the mask they wear.

The idea of a false self is to ward off mounting anxiety, to help a family to maintain its denial of problems or to keep the true self safe and often hidden. That's why a child might create one in the first place, to please and placate the family system. The sad outcome however, is that the false self becomes so well constructed and adapted, or garners so much acceptance and sense of place and even power within the family that spawned it and relies on it to maintain their status quo, that eventually the true self becomes lost to us. We hide our true self so effectively that even we can't find it. And the cost of changing the way we function seems just too dear. We not only fear feeling the pain underneath the coping strategy, we may feel our very place within the family might be in jeopardy if we change.

This false self is also sometimes seen as the "idealized self" or the self through which we operate because our true self just somewhere along the line (usually quite young) felt too weak, inadequate or overwhelmed to function and gain approval in the situation in which it finds itself. So we constructed a version of self that was better, stronger and more able to cope well, a self that was less easily wounded, made anxious or devastated.

We may even come to idealize our particular false self adaptation; for example, bullying becomes 'strength' or manipulation and controlling becomes 'cleverness' or even 'compassion'. The false self steps in, when we feel unable to cope, like an actor on a stage and hides our stammering insecurity under a smoke screen of fake strength, or intellectual posturing.

We all need an ability to mask or control our baser emotions so that we don't blurt them out inappropriately where they can get us into trouble. The real danger lies not in creating a mask or false self, we all do that somewhat. The danger lies in mistaking the false or idealized self for the true self.
A false self because it is an unconscious defense, can stifle the growth of a conscious, authentic self. It's the false self that strategizes and develops strength, confidence and acceptance. And the true, conscious self gets suffocated and sent into hiding.

How Did This False Self Get Created in the First Place?

Generally we think of family as one place in which we can let our hair down and be ourselves. But what if the family we're in doesn't allow for the expression of each individual's genuine self, if the family demands that we be who it needs or wants us to be to such an extent that we learn to create a false self in order to be accepted and loved? This phenomenon of false self functioning, is often seen in alcoholic families or other types of families that have impossible standards of who and what to be, such as with extreme wealth, religion or even military; it is also associated with pain filled, dysfunctional families. Many of these family types overlap e.g. alcoholism and extreme wealth. Kids who grow up in these families often learn not to express their genuine and spontaneous reactions about what they see going on around them; because if they do, they risk being attacked or put down by those in the family who are invested in maintaining the status quo and denying that problems exist.

Because it isn't safe to be open about what is going on in the emotional atmosphere of the family or for that matter to even feel what is really going inside themselves, these children may learn to live a sort of emotional lie because unconsciously, they fear that letting in the truth will overwhelm them or those they love. Family members silently collude in creating the sort of false sense of normalcy that they feel is lacking in their family. Staying safe and "looking good" become of paramount importance. To this end children and even adults become what will please and protect the system rather than who they really feel like on the inside.

The false self is an adaptive (though actually maladaptive) reaction to a dysfunctional situation. It is largely unconscious, that is the person with the false self would never know that it's false and if you were to challenge them on it, they would see you as the problem, not themselves and they would probably set about analyzing your need to criticize. If you are bold enough to confront, take on or critique a false self behavior....well...look out. The false self is there to hide, ward off or cope with unfelt, unacknowledged pain and when you challenge the behavior, whether it be compulsive talking, joking, chronic cuteness or intellectual superiority, you challenge the pain. The hurt that is hiding gets somehow triggered or touched and anger or retaliation may ensue.

When someone who has become dependent on false self functioning goes into therapy or enters a twelve step program they can go through a period of feeling very vulnerable and shaky because they are removing their coping strategy and exposing the pain underneath it. But over time new emotional habits get created and new ways of healthy coping get practiced and adopted. And this person can become much more comfortable "living in their own skin".

Follow Dr. Tian Dayton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tian dayton

Comments

[120707]

"....bullying becomes 'strength' or manipulation and controlling becomes 'cleverness' or even 'compassion'."

Interesting article, especially as an explanation for behavior like this: http://dontdatehimgirl.com/posts/225283/

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

As with many other shortcomings, I think the way to address this one is to put one's head into the lion's mouth every once in a while.

[SarcasticFringehead]

"The false self is there to hide, ward off or cope with unfelt, unacknowledged pain... whether it be compulsive talking, joking, chronic cuteness or intellectual superiority...."

This could describe everybody who posts on the Huffington Post!
Except me, of course.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

and me :-)

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mirror_baby.jpg

and that one

[Mike Barden]

You waited until I've done all this posting before telling me this?

[Mike Barden]

Maybe I do cross the line some of the times, but heh, I'm tryin' to make fun of myself as much as anything.

[DiogenesOfAlaska]

you didn't get angry or retaliate, did you?

Nothing to worry about, then.

[Darymenise]

This resonates in a way that has me rather overwhelmed. Will you be writing more on this subject or perhaps offering clues on how to transcend this false self? Most importantly, how in the world do we cultivate a relationship with our authentic self, the one oriented around OUR needs/want­s/desires?

Thank you so much.

[MerhabaAbi]

Hi Darymenise,

You might want to check out Ed and Deb Shapiro's posts. They illustrate how meditation helps one live in the real chaotic world yet find his or her inner peace and center. If you can find your center, the mask will likely be revealed. I've only recently been following their advice and already I find it much easier remain centered where I'd previously allow myself to get cauht up in a tempest.

Good luck
little brother

[Taiyu Robertson]

It's not so much a false self as it is a set of imperfect ego-based selves, who's appearance occurs in response to patterns of experience and the beliefs such experiences cause. From that, we develop methods of attending to the world that to one degree or another "work", but all too often carry a cumulative price far and above that which the situation demands.

Beneath all this, however, lies something deeper and bigger. Finding true self occurs when we skim off enough ego to realize how it is these identities are in large measure delusional and imperfect. The self that sees this, although unseen in its own right, is True Self.

[bergerkos]

This world is tending to form us into hypocrites.
Yet sincerity is absolutely necessary for happiness. Free from hypocrisy -- but that is often impossible, unless you find yourself in conflict with others.
How can that be helped?
Well, we need to FIGHT for happiness, yet it is worth it. Such understanding will inspire some power , needed to develop sincerity.
Another point is the right motivation. Which one is right? Love for your neighbor as yourself! Really, hypocrisy will do NOBODY no good.
But how can we also avoid conflicts, resulting from our sincerity?
WISDOM will help. I like it how apostle Paul puts it in Colossians 4:6:
"Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt, so as to know how you ought to give an answer to each one."
When you care for others, you don't need to pretend. Yet it is wise to pick up fitting words to keep peace. This is often appreciated.
Then you may have to leave, or choose to stay -- the situations vary.
...Nothing is easy in this life. But life without happiness makes no sense at all.

[lastpost]

Is it nature? Is it nurture? Or is it possession of a nature capable of responding to nurture?
Don’t we respond to whatever we encounter in a manner determined by our existing experiences?
If provided with an alternative experience to use in that evaluation process, that response may possibly be modified. If we choose to take advantage of it.
Consider dealing with an overbearing individual. Someone who appears intimidating. Image that person sitting on a toilet, doing what all of us have to do every day. No quite so awesome now, are they?
I have observed that acting like a mirror to someone, can also have an effect. When they experience the aura they are exuding, they frequently discover that they too find it distasteful. Acting in a manner completely opposite to what they appear to expect, can also be effective. Becoming calmer and calmer the more someone shouts at you, can prove extremely disconcerting for them. Overall, I suspect that far too few of us are human-whisperers, for our own good.
Understanding ourselves more fully can be aided through the simple process of questioning. For example.
When I see something, am I observing it as I would view something on the other side of a plate glass window? Or, as I would an image on a television screen?
The first is the original view itself, separated from me by a transparent sheet. The second is a reconstituted rendition, and not the original at all.

[rf-hawaii]

There is no such thing as a 'false self'.

People don't have designated or predetermined personalities. We're all free to change at any time. Through force of habit we tend to fall into patterns. After a while we decide that those patterns define us. This author suggests that changing those patterns is the creation of a 'false self'?

That's just silly.

We all have the ability to decide who we are and what we do. We can change those decisions at any time.

[bergerkos]

The article is not about whether or not we are free to change.
It is about some practical point thereto.

She calls it "false self", because it is a habit of behaving as though you are "better" than you really are.

Perhaps, the Mom and Dad just cared TOO MUCH about their beloved kid being "so clever", or maybe "so cute", or "so good". So much, that they wouldn't admit, that the kid is NOT THAT GOOD. It would make Mom and Dad feel VERY unhappy, you know... How can that be helped? By trying to imitate the behavior of a "clever" or "cute" or "good" boy or girl -- the only way to make Mom&Dad happy, when it can't be helped otherwise.

But should the kid "analyze it", it would seem disgusting hypocrisy. And is it possible, that his beloved parents, the greatest ones in the world, would require such "disgusting thing" from him?... Yet they do. How do we solve it? The answer is: it is "wrong to analyze", you must "just do it!". That is emotional pressure.

So you have to do the analyzing part later, when you try to get rid of this behavior, which sticks to you to the extent of becoming "part of your self". So she calls it "false self".
That's how I see it...

[Javaline]

So basically what you are saying is that if you don't happen to like the self that you are at the moment, you are free to create a new, but not false, self to replace the one you've grown tired of? How is that different? I think my brain just threw up.

[tropicalkingbird]

If you liked this article you should read Karen Horney's work. It is really amazing.

[humaneismyth]

are you taking new patients?

[Giada]

Given, traumatized childhoods may well play into the dynamic of, "false self," sensitivity and safety are essential. I would suggest the best treatment would be under a trained professional.

[brandnewstuff]

I read just a little bit.. made me think of one thing.. BUSH/CHENEY and that is repulsive disdain for world history and a legacy no man can make happy false front.

[fairwitness]

It's pretty easy to see the "false self" in almost every human interaction, pose, assumption and expression. It's part-and-parcel of the social game, apparently necessary and a normal function in human nature.

What's more interesting, though, is the proposition in this piece that there is a "true self" in there somewhere, covered up and suppressed since early childhood. Inasmuch as we seem to realize, if only dimly, that we are usually "faking it" (or at least everyone else is) and the quest for a "true self" is at the heart of many spiritual traditions (especially so-called "Eastern mysticism, but also esoteric Christianity), it would be enlightening to elaborate on your concept of the "true self" a bit more--if it's so important in our mental health (or if it's suppression leads to degrees of lack thereof), could turn out to be an interesting exploration.

And so the labyrinth is entered (or the battle joined--depending on one's particular conditions). And if that "true self" is as significant as it is reputed to be, it might be quite a discovery to make.

[babeltek]

There is an interesting take on the subject in a section of the BBC documentary Century of the Self. I highly recommend it.

[wetdentist]

yeah boooy! Adam Curtis' "Century of the Self" is one of the most mind-blowing documentaries of ALL TIME; who knew Freud's nephew could sow a seed so devious?

[Taiyu Robertson]

I for one find value in the conceptual distinction between ego-self and True Self. Ego self is the me, or various mes who deploy in the face of life's challenges. For better or worse, the lawyer, lover, poet, zen buddhist, lonely child, alcoholic, recovering alcoholic, biker, ex husband, boyfriend, father, and so on all have served this life well, though not to perfection by any means. There's always more to do, better to do.

Waking up to the delusional nature of these selves has been a profound experience. There is somehow a difference between acting from the unchallenged conviction I am one of these parts, versus acting from the realization these senses of me are constructs.

And, waking up to the realization this split between ego and True Self is likewise a construct is even more profound.

Time for whatever I am to get in the shower, though... so it's off to the day.