Diane Schuler: The Sad Legacy of Alcohol and Drug Abuse
On July 26, Diane Schuler entered a busy upstate highway going the wrong direction with her 2-year-old daughter and three young nieces, ages 8, 7 and 5, in the car with her. All were killed when she collided with a SUV, going the right way down the same highway. The crash also killed all three men in the SUV: Guy Bastardi, 49; his father, Michael Bastardi, 81; and a family friend, Daniel Longo, 74, all of Yonkers. Only Schuler's 5-year-old son survived.
Until yesterday, why Diane Schuler was driving the wrong direction was unknown. Yesterday it became known.
She was drunk and stoned; driving and, at least at that moment, living "under the influence".
Schuler's blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit of 0.19 said State Police Maj. William Carey, and she still had undigested alcohol in her stomach.
According to authorities, Schuler had more than 10 drinks of alcohol in her system and a broken 1.75-liter bottle of Absolut vodka was found in her wrecked minivan.
Blood tests also showed that she had smoked marijuana 15 minutes to an hour before the crash, said Betsy Spratt, chief toxicologist for the Westchester County medical examiner.
This example is extreme because it shows the final chapter of alcohol and drug abuse in it's most horrific, high relief. Imagine the sense of helplessness and confusion of those children in their final moments of life, riding with a mother/aunt, someone they loved and trusted, drunk and out of control. (Or maybe, like so many children who ride in the back seat with a drunk parent at the wheel, myself included, they just learned to look out the window and get lost in the world passing by.) Imagine the pain of the family members of the children who were killed and that of the families of the innocent passengers of the SUV that Schuler, in her stupor, plowed into.
The truth is, it's too horrible to imagine and it is too close to the bone, it just plain affects too many of us. That is why this issue of addiction is such a tough thing to talk about. Even as I write this I want to apologize for saying something so upsetting. But then I remember the cardinal lesson that I learned growing up with addiction. It's that all too often it's the person who says there is a problem who gets in trouble, not the person who is the problem. Saying that there is something that's wrong becomes the sin, not doing it.
According to Sis Wenger, President/CEO of The National Association for Children of Alcoholics, (www.NACOA.org) addiction isn't something people want to acknowledge or talk about. "It's an uphill battle when it comes to raising both awareness and funds to train all those who touch the lives of children to learn that doing a little can make all the difference in 'reaching into the darkness and helping a hurting child.'" Apparently, people will give to save one child from leukemia or poverty but will balk and become uncomfortable when it comes to helping the silent suffering of those children who are trapped in families where a parent is abusing alcohol or other drugs. They will give to museums, humane societies, even to save trees, rivers and streams, but when it comes to saving the minds, hearts, and in this case, lives of children who grow up every day with the helplessness and hopelessness of a parent who abuses drugs and alcohol, it's a much tougher sell.
The sad truth is that children who live with addicted parents get in the car with drunk moms and dads every day. They fetch their beers for them, get sent to the store for cigarettes because their parent is too smashed to go themselves or simply sit lonely in front of TV sets, trying their best to take care of themselves because their parent wants them quiet and out of the way. Kids in these homes learn well how not to set their parents off. It is the hyper-vigilance I have been talking about for the last few weeks in my articles on co-dependency.
The word co-dependent, in point of fact, came straight out of twelve step rooms. It actually began as co-addict. Co-dependent originally referred to those people who were in "dependent" relationships with an addict like spouses and children. The roots of co-dependency encompass the kind of hopelessness and fear experienced by children and spouses when they are forced to witness someone they love and "depend" upon behaving in ways that put their minds, hearts and, in this case, their lives at risk. The only thing different here is that this mother was at the wheel of a car. But mothers and fathers are always at the wheel, steering the lives of their children. Parenthood is stressful, if you learn to cope with the added stress and anxiety of parenting with alcohol and drugs, many lives are adversely affected.
When I asked Sis Wenger what might have been done to prevent this tragedy she gave me a list of questions that we can ask ourselves:
- "Who knew - and didn't act? She was a "good mom", so are a lot of alcohol abusing mothers. But unfortunately, it's their drunkenness or their disease that all too often drives their actions, not their rational thinking or their good hearts.
- I wonder if her doctor ever did a brief screening and intervention -- does her doctor do that routinely; if not why as the evidence is powerful that it saves lives (and families), and the tools are available and free.
- Did the children's teachers know; is there a student assistance program in their school which could help children living with alcohol or drug abusing parents learn to cope and be safe?
- Did the family belong to a faith community; who in the congregation knew and did nothing; did the pastor know there was a drinking problem?
- She was apparently loved at work. Did the employer have an Employee Assistance Program; did the employer's insurance program cover addiction treatment? Did her colleagues know but do nothing to intervene? Why?
- Who knew and thought she was such a nice person they didn't want to offend her? Why do we let the nicest people we know sink into this fatal disease until a tragedy happens or they just die too young?
- When are pediatricians, family practitioners and nurses going to stop feeling too afraid to ask the simple question of children '' "anyone in your family you are worried about because of their drinking or drug use?"
The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the largest foundation devoted to improving the health and health care of all Americans, has identified substance abuse as the nation's number one health problem. According to a new survey conducted by Roper ASW for the Council of Public Relations Firms, one in every four Americans believes drug and alcohol addiction is the nation's most serious health issue, placing the problem ahead of heart disease, cancer and depression.
Our prayers go out to Dianne Schuler's son, husband and relatives who will be living with this horror for the rest of their lives and to the Bastardi and Longo families. All who have now become statistics of alcohol and drug related losses.
Our prayers also go out to all of those spouses and children who daily live with the fear, sorrow and terror of addiction, who never make the papers or show up in statistics but whose lives are forever altered by living with the legacy of addiction.
Follow Dr. Tian Dayton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tian dayton
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This article is so helpful to underscore the secrecy which accompanies alcoholism (and other addictions). This mastery of secrecy is why people in Diane's life may not have known about the extent of her problem. The mastery of denial is why they may not have wanted to know. Her husband (and arguably her brother) knew or should have known. If they didn't, one only needs to read the scores of books on addiciton and stories about people who were addicted who learned to master the art of secrecy in order to protect the disease. I am trained in addictions counseling and found myself saying "is there a way this is a mistake?" "Maybe she was poisoned.." Then I remembered how insidious this disease is and how everyone, knowingly or not, joins in the act of hiding and/or ignoring the facts...thank you so much for this article to remind us, to educate us and to urge us to talk to those around us about the perils of drinking, addicition, and raising children. "Drinking: A Love Story" by the late Caroline Knapp discusses her alcoholism honestly and with a real knack for teaching us about the intricacies this awful disease. Hopefully, the families will confront what has happened and what they have done to contribute to this, and most importantly, how they can help others. Hopefully, all of the families affected by this tragedy can find some measure of peace, as unimaginable as that seems right now.
The sad reality is that children of alcoholics or drug abuser are the best at being the "keepers of the secrets" for a variety of reasons. And oftentimes those addictions are simply long slow suicide, a journey which their children are forced to travel as a passenger, always trying to fix, always trying to be better, believing it's their fault, fearing that if they tell they'll lose what they know. And, as what they have is all they know, it's better than the unknown.
I've been around all types of drinkers my whole life . I've seen people who could drink a lot, all day long, and function just like a sober person. They did it for years . People who weren't with them when they were drinking , had no idea. They drove after a night of heavy drinking almost every day of their lives. They also smoked pot regularly. A lot of heavy drinkers use pot to stop nausea if it happens to them. You literally could not tell . But it usually catches up with them as they get older . I watched a close friend who drank heavily for years , without barely a stumble , fall down a flight of stairs and crack his skull open . I think this is probably what happened here , it caught up with her . Something that might affect you one way today, might affect you differently tomorrow. Unfortunately it happened when she was driving in a car with children .
Someone who can drink large quantities of a toxic drug like alcohol and still function normally is an indication of tolerance to the drug and the early stage of alcoholism.
Well said Dr. Dayton
I remember as a child feeling so angry and helpless as I'd watch an uncle I loved when he was sober get drunker and drunker each time they'd visit us. His condition, as the alcoholism was referred to, was joked about and for some reason, the adults didn't seem to notice how he treated my cousins.
I once asked my parents why they didn't do anything and they said it was my aunts business but that if he ever hurt his kids, they'd step in. I could see that his actions hurt his kids in a myriad of ways, especially when he would ignore my dads offer of a drive home and he'd get behind the wheel. (and was stopped for drunk driving so often it was also a joke because he had so many friends on the force he didn't ever get so much as a ticket... oh the good old days)
As an adult, I wouldn't stand by if someone I knew was acting the way he did.
What I want to know is when did it become common practice for private family business to be plastered all over the internet and news channels? What happened in this horrible accident is between those families involved directly --- no one else.
Same thing with Celebrities who die...
Why does the PUBLIC have a "right to know" autopsy results? Autopsy results should be released to immediate family members, perhaps the cops, and no one else! If the family wishes to release that information, that should be up to them.
When did private family matters become fodder for gossip mags and bloggers?
WHY do we need to know exactly why this accident happened?
WHY do we need to know what Michael Jackson did in the 24 hrs before his death?
WHY do we need to know the shame or regret that these families/survivors will deal with forevermore?
Had she just injured/killed herself, it would be "private family business". But that's not the case. Her daughter and 3 nieces are DEAD. Three men in the other car are DEAD. Her son is in the hospital and 2 people in a third car were physically injured. Not to mention the pyshcological toll this took on rescue workers and any bystanders unfortunate to witness it. Would it just be private business if it were child/spouse/sibling/parent killed? Unfortunately, the thought that an alcoholic's actions are "private business" is precisely what enables them to mistreat family members. This case should be publicized, not to shame this woman/her family, but as a wake up call for people to intervene and do something when children are at risk.
I am not denying that the families of ALL the victims in this case deserve to know.... they do.
But the public? Why? Why do the survivors need to be forever linked to that autopsy report being made public?
Why did we need to know that Billy Mays had cocaine in his system at the time he died in his sleep -- in his own bed? Why? What business is it of ours?
Why can't people be afforded a little privacy and dignity in their death and or their family's grief afterwards?
In what sense is a seven victim vehicular homicide a private matter?
Homicide is intentional.
Do you REALLY believe this woman, a mother herself, and part of a close knit family, involved in her community and her children's lives, would INTENTIONALLY KILL several members of her own family as well as those in the other car (whom, I suppose, she "targeted", purposely) ?? Wow. Nothing like basing your damning judgments on shaky grounds.
I stick by my questions posted:
Why did we need to know that Billy Mays had cocaine in his system at the time he died in his sleep -- in his own bed? Why? What business is it of ours?
Why can't people be afforded a little privacy and dignity in their death and or their family's grief afterwards?
Got any reasonable answers?
Topamax is used for epilepsy and also to prevent migraines. I've taken it for years to help prevent migraines. You are supposed to take it at night because it can make you sleepy. If your doctor didn't tell you about the sedating effects, he was negligent but they usually print out reams of info when you get meds at the pharmacy and it is also our responsibility to ask about new medications and how they can affect us.
If Diane had been on medication, the family would have been screaming it from the top of the hills already - there would have been a doctor with a prescription record.
She was an alcoholic, her family has been denial or they have been enabling her. It happens every day,
It seems like there's a lot more to this story than the simplistic answer that this is a result of alcohol and drug abuse. Why would so many different people say either she wasn't a drinking or had never seen her drink? Why would 8 people at the camp she picked the kids up from say she seemed fine, happy and there was no sign of her being drunk. And why after picking up her kids, would she decide to down a bottle of vodka and smoke pot? It makes absolutely no sense.
The police need to find out if anyone saw her and the minivan after she left the camp and how she was driving. There are a lot of unanswered and unasked questions here.
I've lived with this kind of alcoholic, able to hide so well, for so many years. I never over 20 years saw that person drunk. Their need for the alcohol was so intense that often to fit it in they would simply have one little social drink at lunch (to take the edge off), stop at liquor store on way home, park at private place near home, down the vodka, then come in the door in need to that nap before dinner. They wouldn't drink to enjoy, but because they had to have it, then knock off to sleep so the household wouldn't see a drunk person.
When you are addicted your whole world revolves around getting it, when are you going to get it, how, and how to hide usage and withdrawal. Obsession. Everything else is just about appearing normal and hiding it.
Her husband has been all over the media today claiming that she wasn't into intoxicants. He seems geuinely baffled by this.
I cannot believe how everyone is just taking it for granted that she was drunk! I know the one tox test said there was alcohol, but I didn't hurt anyone and did the same thing. I was on a couple medications that would make me "blank out" - I left a family gathering and ended up driving right into on coming traffic and before cars got to me I became aware and hit the ditch!! I had no idea this could happen to me from a pain medication, one of which was topamax. It came out later in Newsweek that this drug could create a reaction like this - where you would blank out. It was terrifying and my doctor never warned me either. I just quit taking it even though it was helping me because of this. My point being, had I hit someone, the tox test would have shown up as probably a drug/alcohol problem also. Can't we at least wait until the family checks further and there are more advanced toxology tests that can be done to check it out in more detail. We all know that all lab tests are not created equal. At least let the family check it out before we criticize the hell out of them.
Her blood alchol was .19, there was undigested alcohol in her stomach, and alcohol in her eye fluids. They found a bottle of Absolut under the car. She had smoked marijuana within an hour of the crash, due to the high THC levels. One blood result alone could mean a mistake; everything together is hard to deny.
There is the closet drinker that drinks in secret and it's not that uncommon.
Alcohol has ruined more lives than any other thing known to man. Doctor, were you my sister? If not, then we shared more than either of us should ever have had to. It just keeps rumbling through the generations, one way or another. Such an insidious disease.
I know if someone asked me the question " "anyone in your family you are worried about because of their drinking or drug use?" ( and I am an adult), I would never tell the doctor because of fears of "insurance retaliation".
People will not report their own drug/alcohol abuse, nor that of anyone in their family until they are sure that they will not be dropped or penalized by their Insurance company for it, either at the time of treatment or later as a pre-existing condition. I have a pre-existing condition in the matter of surviving breast cancer, and I can tell you that I am penalized by the fact that I cannot change insurance because of my pre-existing condition and my insurance company has raised my rate by 400 percent since my breast cancer ( 7 years).
So who would admit to alcohol or drug abuse? This same punishment by the insurance industry would happen.
You are so right. And it's so sad. Our life insurance premiums went through the roof because my mother chain smoked and smokes - nature vs. nurture come into play when it comes to insurance? Nope.
Little kids aren't thinking about insurance. But I can assure you as a child (I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents), if a pediatrician or teacher had asked me that question as a child, I would have lied out of fear of my parents. I would have been accused of being a liar and possibly physically disciplined at home.
That's the worst part of all of it. As a child, you feel completely helpless and if you do try to seek help the fear of the wrath of a drunk parent precludes your mind. As a high school student I went to my principal and told him everything that was going on in my house and how I thought it was driving me mad...he told me to get emancipated and move out. I was 16 and had no feasible way of caring for myself if I were alone, so, I stayed and suffered. I do however, know that this is something I will never do to my children and I hope to break the cycle.
My DH had a very insightful comment: that Ms. Shuler had to get drunk and stoned in order to kill herself.
Witness the cry for help to her brother, the deliberate turn into a clearly marked wrong way.
Did her brother not know that his sister had a problem with alcohol? Why - for God's sake - why did he let his children in the car with her???
Horrible tragedy.
Pour enough alcohol on your brain and it will destroy you,
I totally understand the need for intervention in the life or a drug addict/alcoholic. This is a path that is full of stumbling blocks and possibly a reaction from the one who is being confronted that will delay even further the effort of getting clean.
You have to know how to talk to someone before you barge in and try to help.
My husband, daughter and myself went to a friend's house one night to talk to them about their oldest son. We led into the conversation in a very gentle way and our daughter talked about her own addiction. We were literally thrown out of their house.
Two weeks later they called begging for help because their son was so angry that people were trying to help him that he broke out every window in their 100 year old house.
It is risky. But......I still believe in doing it...in the right way.
If you can, get those kids away from those parents. I resent that my aunts and uncles did nothing to help me when I had to deal with this and it made me really upset when I got older that they ignored every thing. Ask them point blankly about it, they want to hear that it is real and that you see it too, I think that is the hardest thing as this article states everyone just tries to cover it up. It is too hard on young kids.
Thanks for you comment. I have asked, confronted etc. etc. But I will not give up, I stay in coversation always about the reality of their situation and the impact on their children. The interesting thing is that the kids know and they are happy to know that someone else knows and is supporting them.
Question: I've been reading some newish conjectures that addiction (and many anxiety conditions such as OCD) might actually have a strong underlying component of NPD and/or self-centeredness. Any thoughts on this since it could alter existing treatment methods?
I have a friend with OCD. He became an alcoholic when his compulsions turned into alcohol.
Alcohol is a powerful drug,
In alcoholics who can't quit without some type of intervention, there seems to be a different reaction in the body when alcohol is ingested. Most people have a monitor that says "I've had enough now", just like when we know we have drunk enough water at one sitting. With alcoholics that meter doesn't exist. Alcoholics often joke that they have one drink, then go on to have more and more, with reckless abandon, which doesn't happen when they have, say, one bottle of water. No alcoholic goes out afterwards and buys a case of water, proceeding to drink it all over the next 24 hours......
Whether this is linked to NPD or OCD, I leave to science, which, when examined closely is only approximate even when describing conditions such as OCD. No two people are exactly alike in symptoms. Alcoholics drink in different patterns of quantity and frequency, but have the inability to stop at will consistently (every time) in common.
The other factor in alcoholism is the promise to self and others to "never do that again", made while physically sober time and time again, that can't be made to stick.
They always go back to drinking until they, we hope, "hit bottom" and seek help for the mess their life has become, whether externally or emotionally, or both.
There is the ineffable "addictive personality", however, and many alcohlics find they switch addictions after quitting drinking, only to have to deal with food, drugs, etc. as further addictive substances.
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