You don't have a job, your severance is running out, and you don't know how you're going to get food on the table for your family, let alone pay the cable. Yet you know, deep inside, that if you could just make it through until the new Economic Stimulus hits the streets, you'd be all right. Sound familiar? Well, just follow this survival guide and you and your family will be saved.
1. BUY PEANUT BUTTER. Normally this is a great idea to ensure your survival, but in the last few weeks it has only gotten better. Due to the mounting recalls of PB due to salmonella they can't give this stuff away. Whether it's chunky or smooth, PB prices haven't been this low since the Great Peanut Fire of '66 (I'm going to need a reference on this one, if anyone has it).
2. DON'T EAT PEANUT BUTTER. That crap has salmonella in it, and the last way to survive a recession is to voluntarily risk massive hospital bills with a life threatening strain of bacteria. Notice I didn't tell you to buy Jelly.
3. USE PEANUT BUTTER. Just because you can't eat it, doesn't mean you can't use it, and since you've already cleaned the supermarket out of PB, you'd better damn well do something with it. Why not use it to weather strip your windows? Its stickiness makes it a fantastic adhesive to boot. In the animal world, peanuts are like cocaine, which makes PB the animal world's crack, making it the perfect bait.
4. HUNT WITH PEANUT BUTTER. While the biggest PB heads in the animal kingdom are elephants, their stature as an endangered species and their habitat being limited to zoos in this country means you're most likely going to have to look elsewhere: your backyard. That's right I'm talking about squirrels. These things will kill each other for PB, use it to your advantage and set squirrel traps. All you need is a stick, a metal garbage can, some twine, and some PB, and you'll be catching squirrels in no time.
5. DON'T EAT SQUIRRELS. Unless you plan on fattening them up with PB for a few weeks, squirrels are nothing but skin and bones...and fur. Suffice it to say that their nutritional value might not be the best and they certainly won't be filling. Maybe cook up one or two to hold you for a while, but you're going to have to think bigger.
6. HUNT WITH SQUIRRELS. Humans aren't the only ones suffering in this economy. As people become more frugal, wild scavengers such as raccoons, coyotes, and bears are feeling the pinch with less and less discarded food to be found. When they see a couple of nice juicy squirrel carcasses (using live squirrels is just mean) they'll be too excited to see your trap. Even the smaller animals are pretty ferocious, so taking them down won't be easy. The far more energy efficient way is to keep loading them up with salmonella squirrels and PB (bears like PB too) and let the bacteria do the rest. When they finally do kick over you'll have enough Raccoon Sausages and Bear Burgers to throw a block party.
7. THOROUGHLY COOK THE MEAT. I can't stress this enough. Scavengers are loaded with parasites and you just gave them salmonella. If you don't cook the meat to medium well or well done, then you should've just saved yourself a lot of trouble and eaten the PB.
8. USE THE ENTIRE ANIMAL. While eating is key to your survival, there are many other important factors that must be taken into account. Not only will your new Bear Skin Ski Jacket keep you warm, but it can also be great for scaring away potential muggers and bandits who won't dare to mess with someone who took down a bear single handedly. For further inspiration and ideas on using the whole animal, look towards the Native Americans.
9. DO NOT GO GAMBLING. You started to research Native American tribes and found out that just down the road there are a few Native American casinos, and more than likely you found yourself at one of them. It's okay to be there, but you have to be careful. You may think that you can win big at the slots or Black Jack, but if lady luck really was on your side, your 401k wouldn't be worth the $3.00 it currently is.
10. USE THE $3.00 IN YOUR 401K. I just saved your life and kept your children from being orphaned, the least you could do is send me a measly $3.00 for the effort.
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