Six Ways to Keep Your Cool When You've Been Burned

Have you ever felt angry and didn't want to speak to someone ever again for hurting your feelings? It's a common scenario: someone says something that's rude, wrongly accuses us of doing something wrong, or in some other way makes us get reactive or defensive.

This can take us to the point where we most certainly don't want to wish them well. But does harboring dislike, revenge, even hate, do us any favors? Does it really make us feel better in the long run or does it just get us more stressed?

It's definitely important that we acknowledge what we are feeling -- all the anger, unfairness, and aversion -- and really honor how hurt we are. Repressing our feelings means they'll most likely just come up again at some point, probably when another situation triggers a similar response.

Negative emotions can sap our energy, especially when we hold on to them. They spread like wildfire, soon affecting our behavior and attitudes towards other people, like a single match that can burn down an entire forest.

And they create an emotional bond with the abuser that keeps our feelings alive, replaying the drama and conflict over in our heads, justifying our own behavior and disregarding theirs. In the process we may become a not-very-nice person.

Anger, aggression and bitterness are like thieves in the night who steal our ability to love and care. Is it possible to turn that negativity around and chill out so we can wish our abuser well, without necessarily needing to know them as a friend again? This may sound absurd and challenging but it can make life's difficulties far more tolerable. How can we do this?

1. Recognize no one harms another unless they are in pain themselves. Ever noticed how, when you're in a good mood, it's hard for you to harm or hurt anything? You may even take the time to get an insect out of the sink. But if you're stressed or in a bad mood, think of how easy it is to simply wash it down the drain.
2. No one can hurt you unless you let them. Hard to believe, as no one actually wants to be hurt, but it's true. When someone hurts us, we are inadvertently letting them have an emotional hold over us. Instead, as spiritual teacher Byron Katie often says: If someone yells at you, let them yell, it makes them happy!
3. Respect yourself enough that you want to feel good. Deb did this with her father, who was an abusive and angry man. She made the decision that she wouldn't respond to him with negativity, so she turned it around within herself and continued to wish him well. He died recently and Deb was able to feel total closure.
4. Consider how you may have contributed to the situation. It's all too easy to point fingers and blame the perpetrator but no difficulty is entirely one-sided. So contemplate your piece in the dialogue or what you may have done to add fuel to the fire. Even when he feels he is 100 percent right, Ed always looks at a difficulty to see what was his part in it.
5. Extend kindness. That doesn't mean you're like a doormat that lets others trample all over you while you just lie there and take it. But it does mean letting go of negativity sooner than you might have done before and, as challenging as it may be, replacing it with compassion. Like an oyster that may not like that irritating grain of sand in its shell, yet manages to transform the irritation into a beautiful and precious pearl.
6. Meditate. Meditation takes the heat out of things and helps you cool off, so you don't over react. A daily practice we use is where we focus on a person we may be having difficulty with or is having a difficulty with us. We hold them in our hearts and say: May you be well! May you be happy! May all things go well for you!

How do you deal with someone who has hurt you? Can you see how to bring more kindness into your life? Do comment below.

***

You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking "Become a Fan" at the top of this page.

See our award-winning book, "Be the Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World," with forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman and contributions from Jack Kornfield, Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Jane Fonda, Ram Dass, Byron Katie, Gangaji and others.

Our three meditation CDs -- "Metta: Loving-Kindness and Forgiveness," "Samadhi: Breath Awareness and Insight" and "Yoga Nidra: Inner Conscious Relaxation" -- are available at www.EdandDebShapiro.com.

 

 

 

Follow Ed and Deb Shapiro on Twitter: www.twitter.com/edanddebshapiro

Comments

[prissypapers]

11:17 PM on 01/28/2011

Yes, I say keep your cool and recognize that we are all different people w something to learn from ea other whether the offender's behavior is good or bad. However, I think it is also important that you not allow yourself to be a doormat. I think it serves a good purpose to stand up for oneself and let the offender know that abuse of you will not be tolerated. If it is a personal relationship, perhaps the season of the relationship has passed. If the abusive toxicity cannot be fixed, leave. If it is someone in which a prior relationship did not exist, speak your mind if the situation calls for it or move on and chuck it up to another unfortunate nut case on our planet. I just don't go for the "treat me like a dog and I'll still love you" crap. I think it's extremely unhealthy to allow yourself to be beat down, physically or emotionally.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

12:28 AM on 01/29/2011

Fanned & Fav'd

thanks for your wise honest comment

enjoy your energy!

[phoebequeen]

09:40 PM on 01/28/2011

Really good article. I always try to be polite when dealing with rude and nasty people. I believe that if you don't, you lower yourself down to their level ,and that is usually the root of why I have a problem with them in the first place. I had a discussion a few months ago with a friend, and she said she was not a jealous type of person. It was the first time I heard anyone but myself say that out loud . I think jealosuy can play a role in why someone verbally lashes out.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:17 PM on 01/28/2011

Fanned & Fav'd

appreciate your commenting

enjoy what you say!

Treasure yourself!

[AndiG]

12:20 PM on 01/27/2011

Hi Ed & Deb,
What a beautiful blog this week...thank you! I once head a quote that went something like this (I can't remember the exact words)...when we hold resentment and anger towards another person, we create an emotional link to that person...
it is through forgiveness that we can dissolve it, and be set free.
LOVE YOU,
AndiG

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:33 PM on 01/27/2011

Yes - that is so true AndiG - I can speak from experience! :-))

[Kari Henley]

08:22 AM on 01/27/2011

yes!
a most important reminder. It is hard not to feel the sting even as adults, when relationships go awry and end.
Trouble is, we never had a lot of inner or outer trainng- and I see it now with children who mirror the rude sarcasm seen every day on tv and believe that is customary behavior, until it happens to them. This is a great article to share with teens!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:59 AM on 01/27/2011

Hi dear one - how true - some relationships do become unhealthy -

we can wish them well but we don't always have to hang around.

Each relationship is unique and skillful means & compassionate understanding is a great tool

May all people be happy! :-))

[Dr. Cara Barker]

11:38 PM on 01/26/2011

Hi, Ed and Deb! Another home run on your part. Beautiful. Re your questions:

How do you deal with someone who has hurt you?
I do my best to remember we are One, to breathe in, breathe out, let it go. Meditation is a great practice towards this end. Hanging onto the hurt only brings suffering, disconnection with Flow, life, joy.

Can you see how to bring more kindness into your life?
Yes: practicing the above with a grateful heart, particularly when this is most difficult, and I'd rather stay snarky. It never pays.

Love your way,
Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:06 AM on 01/27/2011

Hi lovely Cara, Your comment is a favorite!

Your wisdom ooozes with joy & compassion -

We are happy to know you

All Love

[SShaw490]

07:10 AM on 01/27/2011

Dr. C - "I do my best to remember we are One, to breathe in, breathe out, let it go."

That reminded me of something from my father's eulogy - "I think God makes us breathe in and out all our lives so we'll be reminded that the life he breathed into us will one day be brought back out." When I find myself angry and bitter, I'm wasting some of God's breath, some of the brief interlude between the inhale and exhale that measures the span of my life. It's a sin of the highest form - to waste that which is precious, and wonderful - and very limited.

[Rebecca Reynolds]

08:51 AM on 01/27/2011

Thanks for sharing this. Breath awareness is such a simple tool that is available to use whenever and wherever we are. Your comment speaks further to Dr. C's advice on remembering we are One, as the One is not just people but all of existence and breath is one of the things that we take into ourselves and give back out that can serve as a reminder of this oneness. When we can look at other people and see ourselves, then there is no question of how to respond.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:00 AM on 01/27/2011

beautiful comment - well said -

sometimes we can take a deeper breath -

and may need to blow away some needed dust.-:-)

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

09:36 PM on 01/26/2011

Hi Ed and Deb,

I still very much love the person who has recently hurt me. I truly want the best for her. And you're right, she couldn't have hurt me unless I made myself vulnerable to her. But that's the only way I know how to love, wholly and with my heart wide open. If I finish my evening's tasks early enough, I'll meditate again today.

with love,
little brother

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:03 AM on 01/27/2011

Little brother - your honesty and pure heart is moving - thanks for sharing mate!

what I have discovered is that when someone hurts me - if it is a big blow to my system - I become more aware of how we connect and do my best to not let it happen again.

Enjoy the journey -

Big Love,

Ed

[steelej]

09:27 AM on 01/26/2011

Someone who would harm you is no longer worth your time. I find it's best to move on quickly, comfortable in the knowledge that I no longer have to have a negative influence in my life.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:29 AM on 01/26/2011

I really hear you and agree - but no one can harm another unless they were suffering at the time. If they were abusive all the time well that speaks for itself.

BUT

who needs a sunshine friend - who needs to walk on eggshells around another person -

chances are we would have very few friends

When we spent time with the Dalai Lama at his residence he said -

people who spend all their time together would quarrel.

It is a personal issue that each person needs to size up and check out.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:54 AM on 01/27/2011

btw - when someone does 'harm you' moving on can be a wise decision

fanned & fav'd

[stephaniegale]

02:38 AM on 01/26/2011

I too, love the comment from Arithriano­s!) This is an excellent list! Have been using loving kindness in both thought and actions in the past couple years. - Do acknowledge and practice all the points listed; I find it helpful also for physical health & stress reduction. These days, my way of dealing with people that intentionally hurt me is to react with an attitude of "kill 'em with kindness" ! ;-) . Reacting with peaceful calm and kind words and thoughts, instead of anger, diffuses the situation. Any other reaction only 'fuels the fire'; and I choose to create peace. Loving kindness has been transformative for me. It is good for me, and it sends healing energy to those who need it. Great post -thank you.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:56 AM on 01/26/2011

Fanned & Fav'd

Thanks Stephaniegale - people like you make blogging a joy!

YES! I agree with you:

"I too, love the comment from Arithriano­­s!"

Arithrianos is a Buddha!

we all have Buddha Nature :-)) -

Enjoy the journey!

Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:57 AM on 01/26/2011

Fanned & Fav'd

Thanks Stephanieg­ale - people like you make blogging a joy!

YES! I agree with you:

"I too, love the comment from Arithriano­­­s!"

Arithriano­s is a Buddha!

we all have Buddha Nature :-)) -

Enjoy the journey!

Ed

[stephaniegale]

02:52 AM on 01/27/2011

you're welcome Ed! ...and thank you!!
~peace~

[Cat999]

08:01 PM on 01/25/2011

Dear Ed & Deb: my 16-yr. old daughter was recently identified as presenting with Borderline Personality Disorder traits (amongst other suspected disorders). The mental health community is typically conservative about placing a formal diagnosis on a young person. Nevertheless, the traits are there. While all 6 of your suggestions resonate, #1 rings so loudly I put my hands over my ears! My daughter lashes out (projects) with alarming vitriole when she splits. Being human, I do have to redirect my thoughts...it's really her anxiety, perceived abandonment, anger and self loathing turned outward. While her case is not the norm, I have begun to frame my view of relationships with new tools...essentially your 6 suggestions plus directing my energy, not toward engaging in battles, rather seeking help for those involved (myself included!), where appropriate. The lessons you learn along the path!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

09:00 AM on 01/26/2011

Cat99 - Thank you for sharing your story!

This is truly caring & compassionate

I recommend viewers read this!

[Dr. Judith Rich]

05:22 PM on 01/25/2011

Dear Ed and Deb,

Love the list of 6 ways. They're all good and important, but I find #4 to be the one that usually gets me back on track. Nothing happens in a vacuum. I can almost always find a way in which I contributed to the situation, consciously or unconsciously. When one gives up being a victim, one can never point the finger of blame at another for there's always one's own personal responsibility to consider.

Kind of takes the "fun" out of fighting when you know there's "nobody out there" but you.

Having said that, we sure need more of your "kindness revolution" philosophy in the world today. Keep on creating from the Great Good! We're listening.......

lMuch love to you,
Judith

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:18 PM on 01/25/2011

Hi Judith - great to hear from you -

you are a great ' Light ' on "Living"

thank you for being you!

Great what you say here:

"Kind of takes the "fun" out of fighting when you know there's "nobody out there" but you. "

[schatsie]

09:21 PM on 01/25/2011

I disagree with you, we can analyze ourselves tilll the cows come home....The reality is that the burner is not willing to live with Joy, Love, Compassion and Equanimity.....and it is our privilege to live that life in spite of whatever else is going on.......Of course some people will resent it, but they make their own choice every morning as to how they are going to live....

[SrAN]

03:53 PM on 01/25/2011

One of the things that I have learned, through much trial and error, is to not raise your voice. There is something about raising your voice which then raises your heart rate which leads to rising anger levels. I apply this to my marriage. When my husband and I disagree I take a deep breath and try my hardest to keep a level, low conversational tone. You would really be surprised with how well focusing on just doing that actually helps to dampen the flames of anger. Outside of my marriage I use the old mantra "kill em with kindness". Sometimes people are just angry because they want to be heard and feel like no one will listen unless they get angry. You can quickly squash that anger by just being kind, receptive and open. Last, don't shut down. I know the one thing that makes my husband even more angry is when I shutdown and do not respond or conversate with him. Feedback is important. Of course these things do not work ALL the time but I know for me the times it has helped overrides the times it hasn't worked out as well as I had hoped.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

10:43 PM on 01/25/2011

This is so true - shouting at someone is really a no no- & the same in reverse -

anytime anyone does shout I say it is not appropriate under any circumstance.

But

I also hear Byron Katie saying in my ear:

"If someone shouts at you let them it makes them happy!"

[Rebecca Reynolds]

03:48 PM on 01/25/2011

In my past experience, positive, objective thinking could only get me so far when I attempted to slough off the physical, emotional, and psychological results of a situation that provoked anger and other negative emotions. My response was clearly with my whole being and my thoughts just couldn't control the reactionary impulses of my body and emotions. Your last suggestion - meditation - is what has allowed me to finally avoid having these experiences altogether. Now at almost 5 years of a daily meditation practice (learned through Isha Foundation, starting with www.innerengineering.com) I can easily say that I no longer react when others act in a way that could be considered inappropriate, rude, or hurtful. What a liberation this gift to myself has been.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:07 PM on 01/25/2011

Hi Rebecca - thanks for your comment - this is thoughtful

I will respond to your comment tomorrow - as I am engaged at the moment!

Wishing you well - Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:51 AM on 01/26/2011

Fanned & Fav'd

Thank you this is so good to hear!

www.innere­ngineering­.com)

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

02:37 PM on 01/25/2011

Where were you two with this list in April 2010. I could have used it then, ya know! I suppose you can't be everywhere so I forgive you both.

Anger is a self-protective mechanism when you're attacked. It decimates everything in its path like the recent devastating floods in Australia. I lived that for decades! Now, I'm good.

I recognised decades ago that my mother was a pity party all by herself plus ice cream! In her winter years, it has metastasized into pure vindictiveness. My sister is the same. Their co-dependency is frightening.

Family triggers are the darndest of things. It is so beautiful when you accept responsibility for your part in the drama and let go. What freedom it brings to recognise "it is not my problem"! That grants you the power to navigate through the murk.

I stopped reacting and let be. That felt good. I accepted it all and they were at a loss.

It has all abated but there are still lessons to be learned which is why I'm still bloody here! At every opportunity, facing attempted denigration or not, I mentally say "I love you". My heart is big enough.

It's all I can do. I recognised and have embraced the fact that even though I do not like these people, it is incumbent upon me to wish them well. That is what I learned from my year of compassionate living in 2010.

Ed and Deb, I love you both :)
Catherine

[SShaw490]

03:31 PM on 01/25/2011

Catherine - That was a great post. "I peace you" today. Of course, I was just talking about ramming a friend throught the fence, so...I'm not sure how much credibility that has.

BTW, my wife doesn't post on here, but she finds you to be such an inspiration - she loves your posts. She has a certain amount of dysfunctional family dynamic too, and she's definitely with you in spirit.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

10:19 AM on 01/26/2011

Hiya Sam, couldn't get back on to reply yesterday. No internet :-) I Appreciate your comments and say thank you to your lovely wife for me.

We are sisters in spirit.

I peace you today buddy and I KNOW you did not ram that fella through the fence. Be especially nice instead. THAT is a sucker punch they do not understand! Unless the person is really thick of course, then...

Catherine

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

03:41 PM on 01/25/2011

ditto sweet Cathering - you sure know how to make my heart sweeter

the wisdom you share her is superb

I hope others read it too!

You are a precious jewel! Ommmm

Much love- Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

09:07 AM on 01/26/2011

whooops Sweet Catherine - but I do like the sound/ring - of Cathering :-))

Big hugs - Ed

[soundheals]

02:33 PM on 01/25/2011

Dear Ed & Deb: This is some of the most brilliant writing you've done. I actually printed it out it's so good. My difficulty is that your wisdom works quite well in retrospect, but by gosh and by golly, it's hard to apply those principles when someone cuts you off in traffic or is abusive to you in public. I think one of the difficulties is that when these type of situations occur, they most often bi-pass the more developed portions of the brain and go directly to the emotional response or fight/flight areas. Your heartfelt writing is so true and so difficult to embody. May enlightenment come to all sentient beings. And may those beings first have learned how to manifest "Six Ways to Keep Cool...."
Blessings of Light & Love through Sound,

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

03:38 PM on 01/25/2011

hey Jonathan this is a great comment - thank you for sharing

I could only imagine what you say here-

when you are well known - as you are - you confront many people with all their stuff - & from my own experience it can be quite a feat to keep calm, and caring - but it is necessary! I do have the T-Shirt :-))

knowing you my friend - you are one of the most kind and caring people

I really mean that!

[SShaw490]

02:17 PM on 01/25/2011

This is really timely, because I had a big blow-up with one of my motocross buddies several months ago over the "ground zero mosque" deal, and it was nasty. REAL nasty. We wound up trading insults and I just decided, to heck with him. He's dead to me. The next time I see him at the track...he'd better have eyes in the back of his head when I come up behind him to pass, because I'm gonna put him through the fence.

It was THAT nasty.

He emailed me yesterday, the first time we've communicated since, and we talked about going riding together and maybe doing some races together this spring, and it was all better. We didn't rehash the old argument because there's no point. But he's not a bad person, and I don't think I'm a bad person, we're just very different people. At some point, we said what we said because we believed it, and it's time to cover it over like a cat scat and move on with our lives.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

10:49 PM on 01/25/2011

I commented earlier SShaw490 but it seems to have been lost in cyberspace - i do love this

so kindly let's address this Weds.

Thanks for understanding

Thank you!

Ed