Divorce And 5 Reasons Not To Go To Bed Angry!

There is an old saying that if you never have a quarrel in a marriage then the first time can end in divorce. So the good news is it's OK to have little spats every now and then. We have been married over 23 years, and, as in any marriage, we have been through both wonderful times and many challenges. We also work together, writing and teaching, and have two offices next to each other. And so, inevitably, there are times when one or even both of us loses it. We are, after all, very human. But, in all that time, we have a commitment never to go to bed angry with each other, or with anyone else.

What we have come to realize is that it is never really about the issue, but the need for the ego to be right. So we try to see how the ego is demanding attention, and then focus on what is really going on. Anger is a powerful and complex emotion-- when it grabs hold it is difficult to control your mind or keep your bearings--but there are often layers of conflicting feelings hidden beneath it, such as hurt, insecurity, or fear, trying to make themselves heard. The power of rage is such that it can act as a defense mechanism and overshadow these other emotions, causing us to lose touch with ourselves and struggle to articulate what we are really feeling.

Getting angry may really be a cry for contact, having lost our connectedness with each other; it may be expressing feelings of rejection, grief, loneliness, or a longing to love and be loved. Often anger is saying I love you, or I need you, or please hear me, yet we are hurling abuse at each other instead.

The emotional fallout from anger can be huge and we have no control over the repercussions. It takes over and in the process leaves little room for awareness, our heart goes out of reach and we lose connection with both our own feelings and the person we are mad at. This can have irretrievable consequences.

As psychotherapist Maura Sills says in BE THE CHANGE:

I have done anger; I have harmed people. It has been done to me; I have been harmed. I come from a family that was angry; it was the way we related to one another. I believed that if people had trouble with my anger, it was their problem, and I had a right to act the way I wanted. But when we express anger, we are creating more pain and suffering in ourselves and in the world.

Taking anger to bed is probably one of the most damaging things we can do to both our relationship and ourselves. During the day we have a chance to process anger and let it go, to see what it is really saying. But at night it can become intensified and build from a simple story to a major drama. So here are five reasons why not to go to bed feeling angry:

1. Anger is toxic. It floods our body and brain with chemicals, so it will disrupt our sleep and could create nightmares.

2. We dwell on it, making it grow into something bigger than it really is.

3. It can create irreparable damage with our loved one, when what we really want is to reach out and be friends.

4. We can wake up feeling even worse, causing us to repeat it and drag it out through the day.

5. Forgiveness is a far more energy-efficient option. It releases us from the drain of holding a grudge, setting us free to love and laugh again.

Only by recognizing what the real emotion is behind the anger can there be more honest communication. Meditation can be very helpful here, as it not only invites us to witness anger, but also to get to make friends and even share a cup of tea with it. Meditation may not be a cure-all; it may not make all our challenges go away or suddenly transform our weaknesses into strengths, but it does enable us to rest in an inclusive acceptance of who we are. This does not make us perfect, simply more fully human.

How do you deal with anger before you go to bed? Do comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking Become a Fan at the top.

You can order a copy of our latest book at: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World.

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Ed and Deb Shapiro's new book, Be The Change, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors such as Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Ellen Burstyn, Michael Beckwith, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Jane Fonda, Jack Kornfield, Byron Katie, Dean Ornish, Patch Adams and others is published by Sterling Ethos.

Enjoy their 3 meditation CD's: Metta - Loving kindness and Forgiveness; Samadhi - Breath Awareness and Insight; and Yoga Nidra - Inner Conscious Relaxation, available on their website: www.EdandDebShapiro.com

Deb is the author of the award-winning book YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND. Ed and Deb are the authors of over 15 books, and lead meditation retreats and workshops.

 

 

 

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Comments

[JuniperSunshine]

12:45 PM on 01/29/2010

This is a great article! I think you really have nailed an important point. The only thing I would add is that you should try to remind yourself of something you like about your spouse every day, if possible. This is particular­ly so when you are arguing. If you can silently say to yourself "this is the man that reads to the kids every night, no matter how tired he is" or "this woman really stood by me when I lost my job", no little spat seems too important anymore. If you see your spouse as generally a good person, with just a few annyoing flaws, you can ride out the bad days easier. The damage comes when, night after night, you go to bed thinking, "I'm married to a real jerk! This person is just bad, or lazy, or mean." Better to say, "This is a good person who is being kind of a jerk right now."

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

02:39 PM on 01/29/2010

JuniperSun­shine - Your comment is great -- my favorite - Thanks for your view

My HuffPost Pick!

I love:

"you should try to remind yourself of something you like about your spouse every day, if possible. This is particular­ly so when you are arguing. If you can silently say to yourself "this is the man that reads to the kids every night, no matter how tired he is" or "this woman really stood by me when I lost my job", no little spat seems too important anymore. If you see your spouse as generally a good person, with just a few annyoing flaws, you can ride out the bad days easier."

Enjoy the journey,

Ed

[panasonic52]

01:30 PM on 01/28/2010

I completely agree about the underlying issues. Even though I am 21 and not married, I still feel like I've learned a lot about arguments. In my past relationsh­ip, my bf at the time did several things that hurt me because I had a lot of insecurity problems that he wasn't fully aware of. I kept getting angry and none of my real feelings were coming out. Next time he did something, I controlled my anger and I told him how insecure I was feeling and that his actions weren't helping any. After a deep talk, we learned more about each other, and most of my insecuriti­es just vanished. I never felt better! Even though we're not in a relationsh­ip anymore, he's one of my closest friends and we still agree to talk things out instead of staying angry. We may not be "the one" for each other, but we definitely have a friendship that will last.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

06:24 PM on 01/28/2010

Hi panasonic5­2 Thanks for your comment

I appreciate you sharing your story

When we can get through some of our issues and talk them out with our partner .. good things arise

I chose you as a HffPost Pick

and hope others will read your comment

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[katzimmer]

12:14 PM on 01/28/2010

Thanks for another great one, Ed and Deb!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

12:50 PM on 01/28/2010

katzimmer - Appreciate your comment as I know how busy you are

Thank you as it is quite a compliment from my editor

Cheers,

Ed

[yoyo22]

04:53 AM on 01/28/2010

I guess my mother was as smart as the two of you when Igot married those were the words of wisdom she gaveto me. Too bad I did not listen the first time around but for the last 20 years that is a rule in our home if we dont talk for a while we break the barrier by holding hands it works every time.
Love you both. YoYo

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

10:02 AM on 01/28/2010

Hi yoyo - thanks for your comment - it makes me chuckle

anytime Deb and I get into a spat we look at each other smile and touch each others hands ...

love conquers all

a well known friend of our says that his wife is his war buddy!

Big Love,

Ed

[Dr. Cara Barker]

05:48 PM on 01/27/2010

Blessings and gratitude your way, Ed and Deb. As a 'veteran' of a 30 year marriage this year, I am nodding my head in a great big fat 'yes' to the pointers you offer. My husband, Ed, and I have done a similar practice. When we've had 'breakdown­' from the agreement, no problem. It is simply a new opportunit­y to discover what's deeper, be reminded of what really matters, and celebrate the journey that we are on as partners.

Speaking of which, I celebrate the journey you and I are on together with great joy!
Cara

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

08:43 PM on 01/27/2010

Hi Cara - * Happy B'day *

I am joyful to have you and now Ed in our lives.

I love what you say here.. we all can benefit for sure:

"Ed, and I have done a similar practice. When we've had 'breakdown­' from the agreement, no problem. It is simply a new opportunit­y to discover what's deeper, be reminded of what really matters, and celebrate the journey that we are on as partners."

This is great advice

Ed

[soundheals]

04:50 PM on 01/27/2010

Dear Deb & Ed:

As usual, a great column.

Here's one more reason not to go to bed angry (or ever leave a situation such as walking out the door). It's not an original thought, but one that seems to have been shared by too many people who have experience­d it. It's this: we never know how many minutes, hours, days, months or years are left on this planet. If we go to bed angry (or walk out the door angry), how horrible it would be if we or our partner somehow departed from this plane of existence at that very moment (or soon after). How many stories have we heard of people who got into an argument, had their partner storm out of the house (or whatever) and then never came back. The guilt. The anguish. The shame. When will we learn never to leave the house angry or go to bed angry?

Blessings of Light & Love through Sound,

Jonathan

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

07:12 PM on 01/27/2010

Hi Jonathan- Master of Sound - your new CD is great and so are the others

I love this from you:

"we never know how many minutes, hours, days, months or years are left on this planet"

how true so we should cherish each moment and not take anything for granted.

Life is a precious gift - treasure it!

Ed

[cathee]

02:53 PM on 01/27/2010

Another positive approach is to let go of of last night's fight when you wake up. My husband has taught me that holding on in the morning is a waste of time. Even if we can not get it together to resolve in the midst of the anger, before we go to sleep...(o­ne of us usually goes in and escapes the drama)...w­e often just wake up in the AM and remember that what works about us outweighs what doesn't and move through the day with the commitment that we are together and fighting is just a fact. It happens and so does resolution­.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

04:21 PM on 01/27/2010

Hi cathee - Thanks for sharing

It makes a lot of sense

I like what you say:

"we often just wake up in the AM and remember that what works about us outweighs what doesn't."

You seem to have a sane marriage

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[William Horden]

12:37 PM on 01/27/2010

Hello, Ed & Deb,

What I love about this post is its emotionali­ty. Just plain heart-work­. Down in the trenches deal with one another get over yourself heart work.

My wife and I just celebrated 38 years together. We try to live by the rule: Don't focus on how your loved one is treating you--focus on how you are treating your loved one......

All "six" of your rules are so important-­-good, solid, practical reminders of how important good emotional habits are!!

Thanks As Always For Your Conscienti­ous Work,
William

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:24 PM on 01/27/2010

Hi William-

You never cease to surprise me .. 38 years and you are still smiling and happy!

I love what you say here:

"Don't focus on how your loved one is treating you--focus on how you are treating your loved one......"

when Deb and I were in Scotland we met a Rinpoche (means - precious Jewel .. teacher) whso said just the same and we do our best to honor that.

Joyfully,

Ed

[MerhabaAbi]

10:17 AM on 01/28/2010

Hi William,

I couldn't agree more with you and Ed. Don't focus on how your loved one is treating you--focus on how you are treating your loved one......

That's the ticket.
little brother

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

07:38 PM on 01/28/2010

Hi little brother

anytime I get into a challengin­g situation and someone is pissed off or angry or whatever with me and I just feel I am right I take some time out and try to see how I may have created the situation that let them to feeling that way.

I believe that no matter what takes place how did I ad to the disharmony­. It is really helpful and I always see how I could have prevented it!

Ed

[Alexia Parks]

11:22 AM on 01/27/2010

How do I deal with anger before I go to bed. I take out a journal and have a conversati­on with the person, event that "ruffled my feathers." Of course, I do this alone, so I get to write both sides of the dialog. Amazing what journaling reveals. Resolution with the *real* person happens almost automatica­lly. As you change your understand­ing of the situation, everything surroundin­g it changes. I describe this techniques in my book OM Money Money.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:29 AM on 01/27/2010

Hi Alexia - Great to see you here

Sounds like your book

OM Money Money

is a great source of info

I love your journal idea

Love your HuffPost blogs - great journalism

Ski ski ski

Ed

[JacquiDB]

10:25 AM on 01/27/2010

Anger is one letter short of danger!!

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

10:34 AM on 01/27/2010

Hey Jacqui - this is spot on!

Couldn't agree with you more.

Just one match can burn down a whole forest.

Joyfully,

Ed

[Sunshine17]

12:11 AM on 01/27/2010

I totally agree with the article. When we were growing up we were not encouraged to express our anger in a positive way. Of course that affected our family relationsh­ips, as well as other relationsh­ips. Anger and silence was our response to any argument or disagreeme­nt. I'm now blessed to have a boyfriend who forgives easily and does not hold grudge. This helped me change a bit, and we both feel that I'm making progress. Few months ago I asked my boyfriend to not let me go to bed angry, so he tries to keep the discussion going, and that really helped a lot, especially when you feel how much the other person loves you and is trying to help you. After all anger is affecting your health, sleep and state of mind...

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

01:00 AM on 01/27/2010

Hi Sunshine - We all can use sunshine in our lives!

This is a wonderful and honest comment

I chose you as my HuffPost Pick

I hope people read your comment! It is inspiring!

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[Ken Green]

11:50 PM on 01/26/2010

Hi Wonder Kids,

Your blog reminds me of a quote by James Thurber:
"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.­"

Hey, why don't you guys write a book on meditation­..you're a perfect team for it.

xo k.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

12:53 AM on 01/27/2010

Hi Ken - Great to see you here

Wonderful quote . it is something we all can benefit from... it is so true!

Thank you

cheers,

Ed

[TaurusRose]

10:15 PM on 01/26/2010

This is pretty basic stuff. Ed 'n Deb...but you did provoke a tiny bit of interest with this comment:

But, in all that time, we have a commitment never to go to bed angry with each other, or with anyone else.

?

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

10:58 PM on 01/26/2010

Hi TaurusRose - Thanks for your comment

I would think that this is easy enough to understand - wouldn't you say?

But do enjoy your humour TR !

May all beings be happy and free from anger,

Ed

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:20 PM on 01/26/2010

BTW -. TR I have a glimpse -

you may learn more about this blog and how it affected others

by reading the other comments

thank you for your curiosity

Life is a precious gift

Treasure yourself,

Ed

[Inhaleexhale]

10:15 PM on 01/26/2010

In the 31 years my husband and I have enjoyed together we have adhered, rather diligently­, to never letting the sun set on our anger. I attribute much of the success of our relationsh­ip to this concept and it's corollary, "don't save green stamps". Anger is such a waste of our precious time on this planet.

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:02 PM on 01/26/2010

Hi Inhaleexha­le - thanks for your comment .. it is worthy of a HuffPost Pick

You sound like you have a sound relationsh­ip

It is a delight .. especially this:

"to never letting the sun set on our anger."

Treasure yourself & each other,

Ed

[Frank Spartalis]

08:58 PM on 01/26/2010

Hello Guys,
Frank from Down Under here.

I absolutely agree with your excellent article.
After five years of marriage my wife and I separated in 1994/95. Anger and ego was a big issue.

After a while I realised that I was a boofhead (Jerk) and I wanted us to get back together again.
My wife said to me "It will take a miracle for us to get back together"
I replied "I can do miracles!" And I did.

I had a simple plan; to become a good and noble person. To be the sort of person that she could trust and one with whom she could find supportive love. The opposite of a boofhead.

I really had changed and after about seven or so months she started talking to me again. Soon after, we got back together again. We recently celebrated our 20th wedding anniversar­y and we have two lovely boys. We teach them how to forgive each other after arguments and how to graciously accept apologies.

About 30 years ago I saw someone say that the secret to her long marriage was not to go to bed angry. So I knew this advice for all that time and it made great sense but my ego hadn't allow me to use it. Such a simple piece of advice, but immensely powerful and it was one of a number of activities that I used to save my marriage. It still works today.

Have a great day,

Frank

[Ed and Deb Shapiro]

11:07 PM on 01/26/2010

Hi Frank - great to have your comment here you are a worthy HuffPost Pick!

It is truly amazing how we can change when it means so much to us

Glad you saved your relationsh­ip and learn what it takes to keep a treasure going

BE THE CHANGE

Ed