Few of us want to admit that we get bitchy, shout, or lose our temper -- we prefer to see ourselves as being wonderfully tolerant and serene. But anger is something that we all experience at different times, whether toward a parent, partner, friend, or even ourselves. Many times anger is justified and limited to the matter in hand, but it can also be very destructive and go beyond the immediate situation, like a single match that can burn an entire forest.
Trying to eradicate anger is like trying to box with our own shadow: it doesn't work. Getting rid of it implies either expressing it, and possibly causing emotional damage; denying and avoiding it, which is a way of lying to ourselves and can cause depression or bitterness; or repressing it, which just suppresses it until it erupts at a later time when it can cause even more harm.
"Ducks don't do anger," says psychotherapist Deepesh Faucheux in our recent book, Be The Change. "Ducks fight over a piece of bread and then they just swim away. But people keep processing everything that happens to them. That processing of the story -- what so and so did to me, she wronged me, why doesn't he respect me -- keeps the energy identified as anger and resentment, instead of seeing it as simply energy."
There are often layers of conflicting feelings hidden beneath anger trying to make themselves heard, such as hurt, insecurity, sadness or fear. The power of rage is such that it can overshadow these other emotions, causing us to lose touch with ourselves and struggle to articulate what we are really feeling. Having lost our connectedness with each other, anger may really be a cry for attention or for contact; it may be expressing feelings of rejection, grief, loneliness, or a longing to love and be loved. Often it is really saying "I love you," or "I need you," yet we are hurling abuse at each other instead.
As Rabbi Zalman Schachter says, also in the book Be The Change, "We get to see that underneath anger, there is fear, pain, and sorrow, and we cannot deal with anger unless we also deal with what sustains the anger. We forget how we are hardwired. The reptilian system within us makes sure we are secure and safe. If we do not feel secure, then the dinosaur will rear its head and roar. So under anger is always the question of how safe does the reptilian feel."
If we repress or pretend anger is not there, then all these other feelings become repressed and denied as well. Only by recognizing what the real emotion is behind the expression can there be more honest communication.
Meditation is very important here because it not only invites us to witness anger, but also to get to know and make friends with ourselves. It gives us a midpoint between expressing anger and repressing it, a place where we can voice our feelings with awareness and acceptance. It also gives us the ability to see our feelings and not be swept away by them, even to see anger before it affects us.
Meditation is not a cure-all; it is not going to make all our difficulties go away or suddenly transform our weaknesses into strengths, but it does enable us to rest in an inclusive acceptance of who we are. This does not make us perfect, simply more fully human.
Don't Even Pick It Up
In our relationship advice we have added a few more ways to work with anger. We are all familiar with the phrase "let it go", but this can be difficult when it comes to anger, even though holding on just causes further pain and grief. Through awareness we have learned to let go as anger arises. Once something has been expressed and fully acknowledged, we immediately move on.
But our favorite tip is not to even pick anger up in the first place! Thank goodness for meditation!
Cooling Anger Meditation
Before you start this practice and the heat of anger is still with you, breathe into your anger: breathe in deeply and with each out breath release and blow out your feelings. Then, to calm and resolve your feelings do the following:
Sit comfortably, take a deep breath and let it go. Focus your attention on your breathing and, more specifically, on where you are breathing. During heated exchanges we usually breathe very shallow and rapid breaths, high in the upper part of the chest. By calming your breathing, you will also calm your nerves, blood pressure, and emotions.
Now bring your breathing down into your mid-chest area, which means breathing more deeply and slowly. Do this for a few minutes, then try to move your breathing even further down, so that you are taking even deeper and longer breaths into your belly. Stay here for a few minutes, as your whole being cools down.
When you are fully chilled, bring your breathing back up to the chest area, and see if you can breathe naturally there, without having to go higher into your upper chest.
How do you deal with your anger? Do comment below. You can receive notice of our blogs every Tuesday by checking Become a Fan at the top.
You can learn more in our award-winning book: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, or from our three meditation CD's.
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We will be teaching at IONS, the Institute of Noetic Sciences in California, June 18-20, with special guest speakers Dan Millman and astronaut Edgar Mitchell
Enjoy our Friday weekly blogs on Oprah.com/spirit
Our latest book won the 2010 Nautilus Gold Book Award: BE THE CHANGE, How Meditation Can Transform You And The World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors Marianne Williamson, astronaut Edgar Mitchell, Jane Fonda, and others.
Our 3 meditation CD's: Metta--Loving kindness and Forgiveness; Samadhi-Breath Awareness and Insight; and Yoga Nidra-Inner Conscious Relaxation, are available at: www.EdandDebShapiro.com
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Mike Robbins: Trust Is Granted, Not Earned
Alison Rose Levy: The Dalai Lama Does Not Exist and Neither Do I
Once there was a man whose wife would scold and nag him frequently.
His friends on seeing this would shake their head and say. "Tch, tch, tch poor Longfellow (for that was his name) always get bullied by his wife."
Then one day Mr. Longfellow's wife died. His friends then says to him, "Mr. Longfellow you are a free man now, with your wife gone there is no one to scold and nag you anymore."
But Mr. Longfellow looked even sadder. Then he said,
" Whenever she scold and nag me I have a chance to practice my patience now that she is gone I missed her, I lost a good teacher."
"
the Dalai Lama says a similar truth- your enemy is your friend as you learn patience- enemy being anyone who you have conflict of any sort.
Much metta-
Jygpo (EdS)
When we develop clarity during meditation then we direct this clarity towards development of insight in accordance with the Buddha Dharma and our experiences. Ask ourselves why do we get angry? What causes anger? What are the consequences of anger? What did the Buddha teach us on the cure for anger?
Realization is just not thinking for the answer. The whole mind works and the knowing is 110% confidence.
When we see with clarity the danger of anger then we make a strong wish that I will not be angry again. This is important because when anger arises this wish that we made will also appear. We catch onto to this wish and away from the angry state. This is the first step towards moving away from the state of being deluded in anger. Through constant mindfulness our reaction towards negative phenomena slows done until we totally avoid such reactions.
To be friend with our anger is to have loving kindness within and to project that loving kindness towards others(enemy of the moment).
As anger washes through, gratitude takes its place. I am grateful, Ed and Deb to see you again, after last week's absence while away.
Love to you each,
Cara
I love what you say here:
Anger is just another messenger, I do my best to honor, as an unexpected guest, yet not lay out too many guest towels for it to overstay, and dump its cortisol into the bloodstream.
You are sooo cool- love the Rumi -ish guest house touch
Jolly good, Ed
I'm going to copy that, and try to remember to implement it as needed. Thanks!
This ties in with something I was thinking earlier: breathing is going to be my key. I've always been used to conscious, controlled, diaphragmatic breathing. I started choir in second grade, private voice in sixth, my minor was voice. And while my major was piano, the discipline of sitting on that backless bench for hours trained posture, and kept me breathing properly while practicing.
I don't think, before I started following you two, and others here on Huffington, and doing some reading, that I ever appreciated just how important this concept of CONSCIOUS, THOUGHTFUL, AWARE breathing was. Here I've had this tool at my disposal for years, and never really used it for this sort of thing!
I have a bad tendency to brood on my anger. I'll try breathing into the brooding.
do remember that if you brood it is ok - more important is not to put yourself down for whatever you do and as you become more aware you will naturally see yourself clearly and be able to deal with whatever arises in your mind!
Treasure yourself,
Ed
What I love about anger is that it is the energy for change. What I do not love about anger is its power to destroy and hurt When I breathe into it, I come to accept it as another experience on this human journey called life.
Beautiful post - thank you!
Love and joy to you,
Anne
is it driven with hate or love - is it to get something done that will benefit others or is vindictive - does it cause suffer or does it create harm to the world...
In our book THE WAY AHEAD - Yoko Ono said bless you for your anger for it is a sign of rising energy. Do not direct it to your family, waste not on your enemy. Transform the energy to versatility and it will bring you prosperity.
It's so fascinating because it seems almost like a reversal of what we are often used to thinking about the relation between us and the world of animals. It rarely occurs to us to think of ourselves as 'less' developed or as at least less adapted.
Seems a lot like anger is some kind of excess reaction not only in common everyday terms but also in evolutionary terms. The kind of thing which destabilizes in the short run but also opens gates for change in the medium or long run. Like variation itself.
Which of course stresses the point how important it is to use it well. Maybe it can even clarify why sometimes it doesn't have any use.
What an important post! The whole world needs to read this. So much anger in the world today. Thanks much! I'm passing this along to a few people who can use this information and putting it on my FB page.
Lots of love and appreciation,
Judith
you make may people happy and most of all ME :-))
Big Love - Ed
Superb piece. I must confess that today, the very day I posted a piece on Buddhist cosmology-- a friend calls with difficult news that set my righteous anger a-boil-- moments before I had to be very present to offer a key concept to a group. I was so upset for my friend's situation that I literally felt nauseous and began to wonder whether I could even do the presentation. So --- get this, without reading this piece, I asked myself: What would Ed and Deb recommend? And I began taking deep slow breaths allowing myself to feel the feeling as the breaths gradually dissipated it.
In contemplating my friend's situation from a less triggered perspective later, I thought: Darn, this will definitely be what provokes me to a regular practice, when everything else I could manage. And then an angelic chorus of my virtual sangha members was heard to chant: 'Gotcha!"
love,
Alison
Honored you thought of us at a difficult time! You handled it skilfully :-))
your blog is spot on this week! Love His Holiness Dalai Lama - Deb and I spent alone time with him just the 3 of us at his residence in India on our honeymoon.
Big Love - Ed
check out our Oprah.com/spirit article and leave a message!!
Direct Link
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I quite understand - it's not news to me that insurance companies have anyone but themselves in mind
keep breathing in and out and smile - it's all an illusion anyway! :-) but sure can be fun - at times - ha
Big Hugs, Ed
On another note - fighting in hockey is disparaged. It shouldn't be for 2 reasons. 1. It keeps the goonism down. 2. The serious injuries in the game do not come from fighting. Its really relatively harmless. It just looks bad.
In fact I think the goons of life, it would be indiscrete of me to mention any names, Rush Limbaugh, should have their nose bloodied every now and then. Not a harmful injury producing beat down but a bloodied nose. It keeps the goon behavior in hockey under control, why not in real life.
When these fat media types sit behind their microphone in the safety of their studio and launch these ignorant, vile, and anger strewn attacks, it is GOON behavior. When the attacks have no basis in fact, when they spread fear, anger and divide us, THAT is being a GOON.
In hockey these guys get called out and there is a fight. What if a radio goon walked out of his studio and had to personally defend himself?
I guarantee that if that certain fat guy played hockey, he would be a goon and I would hit him, A good hard legal check to start. Hey, I'm just saying........I'm venting. I'm not keeping it inside.
Okay, breathe, breathe, breathe into the anger..........there, I'm better now.
Bill
I put it this way - "I love and let it know to someone that I love you!" but still can say "well you know what or shoo off" etc. ha!
enjoy the journey - Ed
I had to invite all that-- all those unpleasant feelings "to have tea" with me-- I got to know all of them intimately. I came out of that period knowing my "Dark Side" pretty well and I learned to love it-- realizing that my anger had good information for me . . . and that if I paid attention and remedied the situation, I did not need to develop hurt, fear or frustration. I could just take care of myself and express my needs and concerns with compassion for everyone involved-- and I could do "boundaries where needed.
In each of us as you know is a shadow - we never should repress- deny or ignore anything that is significant - that includes anger - but we do need to know if we are doing damage to ourselves or others. Through meditation we become more aware and are able to see clearly what is happening - what is real - what is causing suffering with ourselves qnd others.
When we develop insight we grow as human beings and we become more compassionate and develop metta - lovingkindness for ourselves for our anger and for our suffering
Treasure yourself,
Ed
totally agree with you - after I trained in India become a Swami and lived in seclusion met HH the Dalai Lama - I too had to face my dark night of the soul - it was beyond description and was dark deep and terrifying. Without awareness etc I would not have made it. After 40 years of training I can say that everything needs to be honored the good the bad and the ugly. Deb began at 15 her mother is a writer and Buddhist scholar she too had to face her demons. They are our teachers.
The wisdom is in the shadow!
Boy do I know anger, the slammed door, the kick to the chair, this was my m.o. Never taken out physically on anyone but certainly ugly. Most definitely a factor leading to divorce. This is when I started meditating regularly. I was headed down the path of fear, anger, resentment and of all the counseling and things I did, meditation was the most helpful.
I can honestly say that besides playing ice hockey, I have not gotten a big anger on in a long time. I love what you wrote about breathing into your anger. I get it and I'm going to try it.
How do I deal with anger now? On the ice you simply hit somebody but not too hard. In regular life I think I do what you said, breathe. I am not my anger.
Thanks for sharing your inspired thinking with us.
Peace on us all,
Bill
Bill
I trained in Indai many moons ago and have spent my whole life in this field of Conscious and waking up the greatest gift is to wake up and realize your true nature.
You comment shows that you can't miss - enjoy this great gift of life
Joyfully - Ed
Thank you
love,
jason
I hope viewers rad your important blog each week - you make us all feel so good and have much to share!
Cheers mate- Ed
I think I'll be nice today,.................. or at least try..................Peace to all..................SOF.
great attitude - especially the laughter - righteous anger is quite understandable - the way we see the politicians misusing power -and their self-serving behavior is appalling - but through meditation and awareness we see anger can be damaging to our own mind and bodies. and sometimes these we are angry at need compassion as they are so lost and not happy not really happy.
Treasure yourself,
Ed
P.S. see our Oprah.com/living blog and why not leave a message
Direct Link
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Fortunately or unfortunately, we know anger can move one from apathy to action, but staying in the space of anger, especially if there is no action, is devastating. As someone who is an empath, rarely can I stay in a space of anger, or be around those who are; yet, I see the potential value. I'm struggling with that conundrum right now, of how to best utilize anger yet move through it as it pertains to community and individual action.
Hmmmm..........
Dena
The most important way to deal with anger is to be aware/mindful and to se what motives the anger. How does it help you - there is righteous anger - the way women are treated in the world as Jane Fonda shared with us in an interview. The misjustice in the world and other horrors BUT anger doesn't serve us when held as it is a poison in our bodies ... it also is a mental poison to the mind. when someone does something that may cause you to be angry -- see that they are coming from ignorance and actually may need help/forgiveness they just don't know better. It's up to you!
Treasure yourself, Ed
See our Oprah.com/spirit article and leave a comment
Direct Link
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