1. Pour yourself a glass of wine to relax, and to help you feel more comfortable around the food. To get down to its level, so to speak.
2. Arrange the food on your counter however you want. I like to do it tallest to shortest, although I've heard other people say they like to do it from lightest to darkest, or in a rainbow.
3. Pour yourself another glass of wine--it's great to be at home, in your own kingdom where you are the queen and everything else is your slave.
4. Pour yourself a third glass of wine, except pour this one into a new glass and set it aside--it'll make you feel like there's someone else in the room you've been talking with.
5. Grab a knife--who's there?! Ugh, right, it's just the glass you left out. Remember?
6. Chop up the food and put it into little bowls. Then put a big bowl over each of the littler bowls and scoot them around on the counter like you're doing a magic trick; it's important to stay relaxed and loose.
7. Turn on the oven to your favorite degree. I like to use numbers that end in 00 because it looks like two googly eyes.
8. Do you need a little bit more wine? Fill up your glass to the tippy-top and go take a seat by the window. Look outside for a while. What's really going on out there?
9. This part's optional, but blow onto the window glass and quickly draw a penis and two balls in the breath circle. Very funny, you.
10. While the food's cooking, go upstairs and put on your makeup. If you really want to impress your husband, match your makeup to what you're making for dinner, which'll remind him that not only is your food delicious, but it looks like you. To give him an extra treat, draw a small picture on your face with a marker.
11. Now it's time to throw the extra wine glass you set out earlier into the garbage, so it doesn't look like you've been doing anything suspicious. (If he asks later "What's up with the glass in the trash?" say you don't know what he's talking about and you don't even want to know.)
12. If by this point you've got any throw up on your dress, don't worry--you'd be surprised by how many people have at least a little bit of throw up on their clothes by the end of the day.
13. Turn off all the lights, and then turn them on again. Depending on how much time you have left, keep doing this for a while.
14. Here he comes! I like to hide in the closet among the coats before he walks through the door, so that once he's in the hallway I can jump out and pretend I'm a haunted jacket.
15. Well, the rest is up to you. Enjoy your dinner with your wonderful husband that you love.