ABC-TV, Why Do You Hate Amurika?

11/08/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Edward Murray McSweeney's, Huffington Post, NYT Bestseller 'The 4-Hour Workweek'

Dear ABC-TV Bulk Mail Paper Shredder,

As a red-blooded, blue-veined, patriot with a slight
gastro-intestinal disorder, I feel that it is my duty to unveil the truth about
you, ABC, or as I like to call you: Another Blasphemous Creation. I recently
saw an offensively profane message on your seemingly patriotic network during a
televised University of Michigan
college football game. The message I saw threatened my freedom to instill fear
in others…and that terrified me.

If you are unfamiliar with the college football program at
the University of Michigan,
let me tell you that football in Ann Arbor
is more than a religion… Football in Ann Arbor
is what it means to be a vengeful child of God. Michigan
football is who you pray to in the morning. And who you lash yourself in the
name of at night.

The University of Michigan's
head football coach is a man named Richard Rodriguez (if he really is a Hispanic citizen, we don't know
because he refuses to furnish his birth certificate…well, actually, that's not
true. I've seen it many times, but I'm sure it's a fake because he still looks
like he might be a brown person.) Fans call him 'Rich Rod' and I need not point
out the blatant titillation of this moniker since there may be children out
there reading this humpingly bold letter.

During Michigan's
season opener, I saw on the TV, a football fan holding up a sign that read 'In
Rod We Trust.' The fact that ABC-TV chose to broadcast this message of blasphemy,
a message in which 'God' is casually interchangeable with someone's name, is an
abomination of Jesus and his minions. It is the adoration of this hot,
throbbing 'Rod' that is is tearing apart the core values of our country's
traditional, moral lifestyle by adopting false idolatry worshippery.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing on God's green
airwaves, and rather than stop watching the little magic box…I decided to write
this letter…in crayon. I am writing this because I am very lonely due to the
fact that I have no comprehension of the notion of differing perspectives.

Also, because I still don't fully understand what the 'TV'

I am still shocked to see the vile, underhanded tactics that
the liberal media adopts on a regular basis. I am bombarded by left-wing
propaganda every time I am exposed to the anarchist messages of CNN, NPR, or
TELEMUNDO. I thank the Lord everyday for the existence of boutique blogs like, and Rush (the band), and this conspiracy to
control my Tom Sawyer will not bend to your mean, mean pride.

I am writing this letter to you, ABC-TV bulk mail paper
shredder, because I demand that you erase this encounter from my memory with
your classified alien technology. I would also like to have access to your time

Oh yes…I know about that, too.

Please set the dial for 1965. I've got some business with a
little socialist coup called 'Medicare'.

I'm also going to try to have dinner with Reagan during his
dreamy phase.

Write back soon. I miss you.


Joe Aplomber