ABC-TV, Why Do You Hate Amurika?

Dear ABC-TV Bulk Mail Paper Shredder,

As a red-blooded, blue-veined, patriot with a slight gastro-intestinal disorder, I feel that it is my duty to unveil the truth about you, ABC, or as I like to call you: Another Blasphemous Creation. I recently saw an offensively profane message on your seemingly patriotic network during a televised University of Michigan college football game. The message I saw threatened my freedom to instill fear in others…and that terrified me.

If you are unfamiliar with the college football program at the University of Michigan, let me tell you that football in Ann Arbor is more than a religion… Football in Ann Arbor is what it means to be a vengeful child of God. Michigan football is who you pray to in the morning. And who you lash yourself in the name of at night.

The University of Michigan's head football coach is a man named Richard Rodriguez (if he really is a Hispanic citizen, we don't know because he refuses to furnish his birth certificate…well, actually, that's not true. I've seen it many times, but I'm sure it's a fake because he still looks like he might be a brown person.) Fans call him 'Rich Rod' and I need not point out the blatant titillation of this moniker since there may be children out there reading this humpingly bold letter.

During Michigan's season opener, I saw on the TV, a football fan holding up a sign that read 'In Rod We Trust.' The fact that ABC-TV chose to broadcast this message of blasphemy, a message in which 'God' is casually interchangeable with someone's name, is an abomination of Jesus and his minions. It is the adoration of this hot, throbbing 'Rod' that is is tearing apart the core values of our country's traditional, moral lifestyle by adopting false idolatry worshippery.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing on God's green airwaves, and rather than stop watching the little magic box…I decided to write this letter…in crayon. I am writing this because I am very lonely due to the fact that I have no comprehension of the notion of differing perspectives.

Also, because I still don't fully understand what the 'TV' is.

I am still shocked to see the vile, underhanded tactics that the liberal media adopts on a regular basis. I am bombarded by left-wing propaganda every time I am exposed to the anarchist messages of CNN, NPR, or TELEMUNDO. I thank the Lord everyday for the existence of boutique blogs like michellemalkinsgreatcheekbones.com, and Rush (the band), and this conspiracy to control my Tom Sawyer will not bend to your mean, mean pride.

I am writing this letter to you, ABC-TV bulk mail paper shredder, because I demand that you erase this encounter from my memory with your classified alien technology. I would also like to have access to your time machine.

Oh yes…I know about that, too.

Please set the dial for 1965. I've got some business with a little socialist coup called 'Medicare'.

I'm also going to try to have dinner with Reagan during his dreamy phase.

Write back soon. I miss you.

Sincerely,

Joe Aplomber

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