Senate hopeful Christine O'Donnell's new campaign commercial opens up with the line: "I'm not a witch. I'm not what you've heard. I'm you."
Christine O'Donnell is me? How am I going to explain this one to my parents? I already put them through enough hell when I told them that I was heterosexual.
I have no problem that O'Donnell has exposed her campaign as the congressional equivalent of "Freaky Friday." Actually, now that I've seen O'Donnell's commercial, I've welcomed the opportunity to completely re-invent myself. So, for all of us who are now Christine O'Donnell, I present:
The "I Am Christine O'Donnell" Pledge
• I think masturbation is selfish and impure.
Since becoming someone who walks with a pure heart and equates masturbation with adultery, my sexual energies are much more focused towards the spiritual. In fact, I'm having a sexual hallucination of fraternal, Siamese-twin nurses right now that is making it very difficult to type. But I am now strong enough to get through this.
• I think that my voting base actually needs to hear me say the words "I'm not a witch."
A recent Christine O'Donnell voter (who also identified himself as Christine O'Donnell) recently said, "I heard that she said that she dabbled in the witchcraft when she was in high school and that means she's a witch and, oh, my fly's open -- sorry. OK, so yeah, I'm glad she told me that she wasn't a witch, because I was getting really nervous that I was a witch. But now I know that I am not a witch... but I am horny for God."
• I live in Delaware.
I'm completely OK with this -- I've vacationed in Delaware several times. It's a lovely place.
• I think that mentioning that I "dabbled" in witchcraft is a cool way to address today's youth.
It's important to identify with today's youth. After all, these young punk rockers need to feel that someone can identify with their Brylcreem dalliances lest they become another lost generation, hell-bent on dancing the Tarantella and strung out on moon pies.
• "I would go to Washington and do what you'd do."
It's heartwarming to know that O'Donnell would be progressive enough to demand a ban on all corporate funding for our government, assemble a committee to evaluate The Constitution from a 21st century perspective, and re-enact the Reagan era policy of classifying "underwear" as a vegetable under our federal school-lunch program.
(The "underwear" part isn't necessarily progressive, but I think it would be the only thing equally as amusing as O'Donnell getting elected to the U.S. Senate.)
• HOLY FACE-CRAPS! I'M CHRISTINE O'DONNELL! WHY GOD, WHYYYYYY?!
Just had to get that out.
• I think that creationism should be taught in our public schools.
Unfortunately, this is where I have to get off the bandwagon due to O'Donnell asking brain-melters like: "Why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?"
Apparently, monkeys are still evolving into humans, Christine. I thought all humans were on the same evolutionary plane, but the existence of creationists proves that some of us are still works-in-progress.
However, this is America, Christine, and even if you're still mesmerized by the magic powers of your opposable thumb, you still have the right to run for political office. However, you do not have the right to be me.
For us to be the same, you would need to be injected with a dose of critical-thinking skills that I fear would prove to be lethal to your irrational nervous system, and I would need to feel morbidly guilty about my genitals.
So how about if you just keep being you: a religious zealot in policymaker's clothing, and I'll keep being the anti-you: a rational individual who finds a majority of fundamentalist methodologies to be obsolete and insulting to my intelligence. Meet me by the monkey house at the zoo and I'll explain to you how it takes more than seven days to grow a new appendage.