Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Edward Murray Headshot

Mitt Romney Is People

Posted: Updated:

Hey, Mitt Romney here. I recently spoke with some residents from the publicly-owned state of Iowa and explained to these individual corporations of voters that "corporations make money... everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people," which therefore means that "corporations are people." Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm no Satan, but I can't understand why this concept is so hard to understand. By the way, I'm hypnotizing you with my orthodonture work right now.

How are corporations people? Let's look at it another way: pianos make music that is heard by people, so therefore, pianos are people. And who doesn't like pianos, my friend? Same people who don't like The Beatles, and the same people who don't like corporations.

Corporations are people in the same way that a slot machine takes money spent by people, so therefore those one-armed bandits are people, even if they are technically "disabled." Also: my former company, Bain Capital, made companies profitable by slashing jobs, wages, and pensions, so therefore, I am a strong leader.

You see anything in my teeth? That's not a piece of broccoli, my friend, that's a piece of God.

Speaking of The Big G, a lot of people ask me about my religion. Fair enough. But look at my interlocked hands here. Here's the church, here's the steeple, open it up, there's the people; these people are made out of fingers. In fact, this entire church is made out of what? My hands, that's right. So therefore, churches are people and should be allowed to marry... unless they're gay churches. In which case, that's fine, but please don't go throwing your gay church in my face, alright, friend? Ohhhhhkay.

Let me address those who have questioned my claim that I created over 100,000 jobs by waving this abortion flag. See, people make babies with sperm, so therefore, people are sperm. People need jobs. Babies need jobs. Jobs are the sperm of our economy. We lose 400,000 new jobs every time a homeless person masturbates. Do you see what I'm saying here? No? Good, OK, go back to making your hourly wage.

You check out my gums? You see anything in there? Look deeper. That's our future.

In closing, I'd like to remind you that I said something to people, that was heard by people, and therefore Mitt Romney is people... and why wouldn't you vote for people? It just makes sense, friend. How about a handshake?

Alright, now don't ever touch me again. Hey, Mitt Romney here...