The NFL lockout continues as the season approaches, and it appears that agreeing to the labor deal will come down to a billion-dollar coin toss. The owners call "Heads."
Under intense security, the commemorative coin will be tossed by Judge Arthur J. Boylan. Boylan stated that he is excited to be a part of this historical event, "We are looking forward to settling this matter in an unprecedented fashion that adheres to the spirit of football. After the toss, the billion-dollar coin will be donated to the United Way."
Boylan was then immediately informed that the coin will not actually be donated to charity, but will be melted down to a fine brie-like texture, mixed with almond milk, cooled with fresh lavender, and then fed to Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, via anal transfusion. (The NFL Players Union has secured all rights for this supervised event available only on Pay-Per-View.)
Some have dubbed the battle between players and owners as Millionaires vs. Billionaires. However, it should be known that not all NFL players are millionaires. According to the league's payroll data, some NFL players only earn as much as the top 2 percent of all Americans, with some making as little as a "Prospector's Fuckload," according to the IRS. The owners, on the other hand, are actually all billionaires, are very sad on the inside, and could really use a moral boost.
The players and owners tentatively agreed to a 2011 salary cap of $120 million, and the players are also pushing for the restoration of $320 million in lost benefits. A representative for the players union stated, "We're talking about the welfare of players, many of whom have no job skills, no education, and who were shuttled through schools because of their athletic ability. What will happen to them?"
The owners will meet in Atlanta this Thursday to review the current deal. One owner was overheard saying, "Atlanta, huh? Sweet. Maybe we can take in a dog-fighting titty bar while we're there."
The owners are especially eager to resolve the situation as the season quickly approaches. For every preseason game lost, it will cost the owners $200 million.
One Baltimore Ravens fan responded, "$200 million?! Sheeeeeeeet... I wouldn't piss on a Ravens preseason game for $200 million. I would do it for free, though."
A small puddle of piss outside of the home for the Ravens, M&T Bank Stadium, refused to comment.