This is a blog post that has been in the pipeline for some time now. I'm usually quite a private person but I feel the urge to put a voice to why children are not for me. This is a personal choice and one I have not taken lightly. I get asked all the time when are myself and Cian having children? Since I am now 36, people feel my time is running out. When I say I'm not having children, some people's reactions are quite disconcerting.
Questions and statements from people and my honest responses:
"That's pretty selfish!"
It's also extremely selfish to have a kid and not want one.
"Who is going to mind you when you are old?"
Eh... trained medical professionals!
"You will change your mind!"
"I don't think I will and if I do that's my prerogative.
"Ah, you would make a great mom!"
Yes I would. I would give 100 percent to being a mother, but I have decided to give that effort to myself.
"Imagine the style on your kid!"
Yes, it would be amazing. I guess I could get a doll if that's the only reason I would want one.
"Maybe you haven't met the right person?"
I have met the right person and he is amazing. Travel is our baby along with my 10 year old niece.
"You will change your mind and it will be too late!"
Let me worry about that.
"Oh, are you having problems?"
Yes... with people like you not accepting our choices in life.
I am very comfortable with my decision, but I feel people really need to be more mindful and considerate when asking such personal questions as you just don't know people's circumstances. Imagine how upsetting it would feel to be answering this line of intrusive questioning if you were not able to conceive or going through IVF? The same applies to people who have one child and people keep asking when they are going to have another? Maybe they fell pregnant easily the first time, or they could only afford one round of IVF or maybe, just maybe, they only wanted one child and are completely satisfied. It can be extremely intrusive and hurtful.
There should be no expectations on women to get pregnant, and nobody should have to answer these kinds of questions.
There should be no expectations on women to get pregnant, and nobody should have to answer these kinds of questions. I have discussed my decision with my closest friends and family members who have all been so supportive and actually understand it. For the people that don't understand it, please just stop asking and judging unless you can offer some positive influence.
The Traditional Route
From a young age we are asked to conform to society's perception of how we need to live our lives. I think there is social pressure on women to have children and it's just a pressure that I'm not willing to give into. Girl meets boy, falls in love, he proposes, you get married and have a baby. That's how it's supposed to go right? Well, not necessarily. You write your own story anyway you like and guess what? Your story doesn't have to be the same as your peers. I was married, now I'm divorced. Girl met boy... girl divorced boy. Started again. New story...
I was never one of the girls who decided how many children I would like when I was younger. I did have baby dolls with their cute little twin buggy, but I was always more interested in the glamour aspect of being a mom rather than the mothering aspect. Those dolls where the baby cried and you fed them were nothing short of a nightmare for me back then.
Alternative Path
I have met an amazing man who shares the same ideals as me and we have the most wonderful life together. We are a couple who support each other emotionally and professionally. One of our main passions is travel, and having children just would not fit into our lifestyle. We have discussed this in great detail and have revisited our decision several times, only to agree that we still feel the same.
I know people have children and still travel. We have seen it firsthand ourselves. And while those people were doing a tremendous job, it did seem like a great deal of extra work. It may be a cliché but we are living our dream -- financially stable and can head off traveling at the drop of a hat. We are both living out our life and our passions exactly how we like. We also have the option to change those plans whenever we feel like it. We didn't get lucky; we created this life together and executed it through thoughtful planning.
Life is short; and I, for one, am making choices that make me happy.
Myself and Cian both absolutely love children, but it's a responsibility we just don't want. That does not make us inadequate. It's one of the reasons why we've chosen to spend the rest of our lives together. I have a 10-year-old niece whom we love and cherish and would do anything for. We both have really close friends who have children that we adore and see regularly.
Looking Back and Looking Forward
During the period when I was married, kids were on the horizon as I thought it was only natural progression to go down this route, but it didn't work out for us. That's not the reason I changed my mind. I grew as a person and felt more confident in myself and really focused on what I desired in life. I reevaluated my life and made decisions based on what would make me happy. My life choices aren't for everyone but everybody doesn't have to make the same life choices. The important thing is to choose what's right for you.
Having children just wouldn't be the route I would choose myself. I'm a spontaneous person and from my perspective having children would quench that spark inside me that allows me to do the things I love at a time of my choosing. Each person has a path to take, and children is not the path for me. Life is short; and I, for one, am making choices that make me happy. Making this decision allows me to live my life to the full, and I don't want that to end.
A version of this post originally appeared on Diary of a Style-Hunter.