Early Thursday afternoon, convicted kidnapper, murderer and rapist Ariel Castro was sentenced to life in prison plus 1,000 years for his heinous crimes against three Cleveland women. The judge in the case called Castro a "violent sexual predator" and normal people everywhere again became simultaneously enraged and nauseous as they watched Castro defend his actions against what he insisted was an unfair depiction of him as a monster.
At the same time in an undisclosed Washington D.C. bar, United States Congressmen and Senators gathered and popped champagne in a rare display of bipartisan goodwill. For the first time in 7 years, a person in the United States had managed a lower approval rating than their own. The bipartisan group tapped glasses and celebrated the perceived achievement by vowing to keep up the good work. "With the George Zimmerman thing, we thought we had a shot, but it slipped out of our hands with that verdict. Even we were surprised by how many people were okay with that one. Here, we stuck the landing"
When asked if they would try moving forward on any legislation meant to help average Americans, they all stifled a laugh and turned the bar's TV to The Hunger Games and started taking furious notes.
Your handsome and humble servant-