Guillermo Benitez, like millions of Latinos nationwide, is preparing to take on the workweek. Unfortunately for Latinos like Benitez, Daylight Savings Time proves problematic in that it is not compatible with Latino Standard Time.
For those unfamiliar with Latino Standard Time, it is a pronounced suspicion of traditional forms of telling time that results in tardiness, terribly contrived excuses, and judgmental sneers from the uninformed.
Origin of Latino Standard Time (1492-ish):
European explorers arrived and lovingly handed out disease-ridden blankets and handshakes (among other things). While the more punctual indigenous peoples may have teased their buddies stuck at the end of the receiving line or the doubtful others who were off brooding suspiciously, guess who had the last laugh? The Latinos who resulted from the subsequent commingling of the European and the surviving indigenous peoples logically inherited a healthy intrinsic fear of being on time to anything and then passed it down to subsequent generations -- as it was evolutionarily advantageous. As a result, even today, many Latinos are hard-pressed to arrive on time because who knows what's in that Appletini or what other shenanigans those white people are plotting ... Now we're late to christenings, quinceaneras, funerals, and, to the chagrin of many employers, work.
Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, we don't think so. We'll wait in the car, just in case.
Benitez sums up his experiences as follows: "I leave for work at 8:45, it normally takes about 45 minutes to get there, depending on traffic. So, yeah, maybe I'm not there by "9." However, that's assuming that time is even a real "thing." It's a metaphor, you know. It's not linear and whatnot. Even Einstein said time and space were one thing, right? So, yeah. Science.
"Plus, how are you going to dock me for being late if in some alternate dimension, I'm like 15 minutes early and sh#t? So, anyway, usually by the beginning of March I've got my shit down so that I'm only like 30 minutes "late" and then there's this Daylight Savings Time shit that comes out of nowhere, which means everything gets all extra complex and I have to use an algorithm to marry the two, but that takes like 6 months to get used to. So until that settles, I'm going to be a extra "late." By the way, Arizona and Hawaii don't even do Daylight Savings Time. So, how can you prove something exists if Arizona doesn't recognize it? Like human rights?
Anyway, my white friend Carl just punches me in when I'm late anyway. That dude shows up like 20 minutes early everyday."
This chronological shift is particularly difficult for couples where only one partner is Latino. This accounts for 96 percent of divorces for these couples.
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