I just had the privilege of speaking about Sexual Violence Prevention at SW Minnesota State in Marshall tonight. I told my story of addictions, shame and assaults. I still get nervous before I go out on stage. I feel really vulnerable... still... after all this time... when I share my story.
Sometimes, I get crazy thoughts when I'm waiting to go on:
"No one wants to hear this stuff."
"No one cares about this."
or "This is just a bad idea."
I go out there anyway, and usually, I am pleasantly surprised. Tonight I was moved by the students. They were a sweet crowd.
We talked about consent, what is NOT consent, active bystanders, undetected rapists.
Heavy stuff.
And when people stopped breathing, I surprised them with a joke or I made fun of myself to get some air back in the room.
People can't learn when they're holding their breath.
If it's too heavy for too long, they leave the room. Not physically, but mentally, they leave.
And so I engage them and we continue our conversation.
Tonight I was moved by their willingness to stay in the conversation.
They were informed and determined.
They were eager and wise at the same time.
And afterwards, there were lots of students who came to talk and take pictures.
I try to make sure to connect with all of them.
And every time, there's at least a few who wait to talk.
And when almost everyone else has left, they come up to me, and say: "I've never told anyone this before, but... I was abused, molested... I was assaulted."
I nod and hold their hands and listen.
I thank them for trusting me.
I ask them if we can keep in touch.
We talk about therapy or group programs.
We hug. I remind them they are not alone.
That there is a lot of help available.
I tell my contact to keep an eye on them.
And even though I am sad, I get re-invigorated by their stories and their pain.
Sexual assault is an epidemic in this country and really, all around the world.
The more I speak about it, the more people come up to me and tell me their experience of it.
Sexual assault is like addiction, it affects almost everyone around us, we just don't always know about it.
And here's the thing.
Here's why I have hope.
A while ago, it used to be socially acceptable to drink and drive.
Most people didn't exactly stand around at parties and brag about doing it, but people drank and drove all the time, and most of society just looked the other way.
I've heard a lot of stories of how if you got pulled over, the cop would just lecture you and then follow you home to make sure you got home safe. Really. That was a standard procedure.
There was an accepted public indifference.
It was a problem but no one wanted to deal with it.
The drinking age was different in different states.
The whole thing was just too messy to tackle.
Until a mother lost her 18 year old son because of a drunk driver.
And she said, NO MORE!
Beckie Brown channeled her grief into action and she started the first chapter of MADD in Florida. She started what would be come an entire movement across the country of raising awareness and helping to create positive legislation and change.
With the help of MADD, cops and congress, there have been new laws passed in all fifty states about legal drinking ages, driving while under the influence and many other public safety issues.
Although a percentage of people still drive while under the influence, public attitudes and opinions have changes. It is not acceptable or cool to drink and drive anymore.
Even in NYC, where few people drive because of the mass transit and the insane traffic, there are public service announcements all over the city stating: Your Choices Behind the Wheel Matter.
And that is my hope for sexual assault and violence in our culture; that we can change the public indifference and looking the other way.
Instead of seeing sexually violent fashion ads of a man dragging a woman by her neck with a tie, perhaps there will be public service announcements instead.
This PSA could show people treating each other with respect.
Maybe some day there won't be college buildings covered with sheets that have threatening messages for the incoming freshmen women and their mothers written on them.
It is my dream that top fashion designers and their teams will not be saying:
"Well, everything's so fragmented now. We'd rather make a bad impression than no impression, when it comes to advertising."
They make money, but at what cost? Do they realize how far reaching their messages go into our psyche's?
If enough people vote with their dollars and their voices, we can cause a cultural shift.
We can say NO to sexual violence in the media, in our fashion, and on our campuses.