Good-bye birds, fish, mammals, wildlife, habitat, and metaphor.
Phrases' new meanings:
"Hey, you're a shrimp!"
Then: You're short.
Now: You're dead.
"The world is your oyster."
Then: Everything is possible.
Now: You're screwed.
Example: Charles Manson is serving life behind bars and has been denied parole eleven times. The world is his oyster.
"Your forehead feels clammy."
Then: You have a fever.
Now: You're dead.
"A spill."
Then: A tiny tumble.
Now: The end of the earth.
Example: Joey took a spill on his bicycle and killed ten thousand pelicans.
"Keeping your head above water."
Then: Just surviving.
Now: Only your head surviving.
"Fishing for compliments."
Then: Looking for affirmation.
Now: Future Louisiana fishing industry.
"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime."
Then: Give knowledge, not charity.
Now: Cruel practical joke.
"Neither fish nor fowl."
Then: Not clearly one thing or the other.
Now: Not dead.
"I'm crabby."
Then: I'm testy.
Now: I don't feel so good.
"Clam up."
Then: Keep quiet.
Now: Die.
Example: A small plane crashed today. Three people on board clammed up. The pilot is crabby and not expected to survive.
"I'm on a seafood diet; I see food, I eat it."
Then: Joke.
Now: Suicide note.
Example: I can't take the pressure any more. It's not your fault. I'm going to Red Lobster. Forgive me.
"Life is no day at the beach."
Then: Life is hard.
Now: Life is easy.
Example: Yes, I'm broke, homeless, sick, divorced, abandoned, old, and in agony. But thank God at least my life is no day at the beach.
"A fine kettle of fish."
Then: A small mess.
Now: A disaster.
Example: Auschwitz was a fine kettle of fish.
"The Tortoise and the Hare."
Then: A tortoise and a hare.
Now: A non-aquatic inland animal and a hare.
"Gone Fishing."
Then: Away doing something wonderful.
Now: You're dead.
Example: The world's oldest person went fishing today.
"Having a whale of a time."
Then: Fun.
Now: You're dead.
Example: Many POWs in Vietnam had a whale of a time.
"Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks."
Then: Food.
Now: All fish are sticks.
"Something's fishy."
Then: Something's suspicious.
Now: Something's dead.
"See you later, alligator."
Then: Will see you later.
Now: Won't see you later.
"Free as a bird."
Then: Free.
Now: Dead.
"Fish story."
Then: A tall tale.
Now: The last chapter.
Example: Princess Diana's fish story took place in a Paris tunnel.
"Wetlands."
Then: Wildlife habitat.
Now: Lost city of Atlantis.
"Frog in your throat."
Then: Irritated throat.
Now: He's in there getting cleaned.
"Top Kill."
Then: Sounds like a Tom Cruise movie.
Now: Sounds like a Pauly Shore movie.
"Clams Casino."
Then: A clam dish.
Now: Russian Roulette.
Example: I've been in love with Christopher Walken ever since the Clams Casino scene in The Deer Hunter.
"'Louisiana isn't the only place that has shrimp'- BP's Tony Hayward."
Then: Louisiana has shrimp.
Now: Only other places have shrimp.
"Beach volleyball."
Then: Sand, volleyballs.
Now: Quicksand, tar balls.
"Jonathan Livingston Seagull."
Then: Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Now: Jonathan Livingston Dinosaur.
"He's a shark".
Then: He's dangerous.
Now: He's dead.
"Luca Brazzi sleeps with the fishes."
Then: Luca Brazzi is dead.
Now: Who knew the mafia could be so violent?
"Slippery as an eel."
Then: Slippery.
Now: Oily.
"Happy as a clam."
Then: Happy.
Now: Dead.
Example: Death Notices: We regret to announce that Mr. John Smith is happy as a clam on Tuesday, June 1, 2010, of natural causes. Services will be at Our Lady Church. Interment will be next to his wife, who is a shrimp.
Follow Elayne Boosler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ElayneBoosler
Then: a book and a movie
Now: Expected lifespan of sea birds
Thanks for finding a smile in this, Elaine - however wry!
Here's another humorous take on it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsdd6uC4ClY
Then: Life is hard.
Now: Life is easy.
Example: Yes, I'm broke, homeless, sick, divorced, abandoned, old, and in agony. But thank God at least my life is no day at the beach. >>> Brilliant one there,Elayne! (Growing up on one,the very thought is-and should- be an inconceivable one!)
Then: Joke.
Now: Suicide note.
I fell out of my chair laughing at this one.
Elayne you are an amazing talent! Its a real art to take a sad situation and find a way to make us laugh. Reminds me of the jokes I told while speaking at my father's funeral. We were all laughing and crying at the same time together.
Then: Seinfeld episode.
Now: BP testing new way to plug leak while using Tiger Woods to improve their PR.
When will folks realize that this death culture has got to change (and women are largely responsible for doing it)? That domination and unprecedented greed are no longer tolerable? Maybe this sickening and completely avoidable violation is the moment.
BTW, the SITC piece a few days ago would make a brilliant opening for our women's shelter benefit show, done every February for the last 6 years. We're a tiny town with tons o' talent, but material that says what you say, which is what we also want to say, as well as you say it is virtually nonexistent. How could we chat about rights to your work for a vital cause?
Cheers!
luz
Then: Surf thru a hollow wave
Now: Get packed in a barrel and sold by the gallon
Creditors harassing you? IRS problems? Get barreled!