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How Debates Work: 'Where'd You Get That Watch?' 'Monday.'

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MODERATOR
This question is for you Mr. President. From Samantha Jenkins. Go ahead please.

SAMANTHA JENKINS
How do I put on mascara?

MR. PRESIDENT
Thank you for that great question, Miss Jenkins. Is it Miss or Mrs.? Miss? All right. Thank you Miss Jenkins. Look, people work hard for their families. Every generation wants the next generation to do better. My grandmother worked in a place with mascara, but because she was a woman, she had to teach men to put on mascara, and they became her bosses, even though she wore mascara all her adult life. Now, I don't think that's fair. My mother was a single parent, and couldn't even afford mascara, let alone put it on. I want everyone in this country to be able to afford mascara, for every generation and on into the future. To that end I have proposed the Estee Lauder Equal Opportunity Thick and Luxurious Non-Smudge Eyelash Bill, which my opponent says he would have voted against! In fact, my opponent voted against eyeliner, rouge, lipstick, and his running mate wants to outlaw over the counter mascara for all women, regardless of the state of their lashes. He thinks it's okay for an employer to pay for after- shave, but not mascara, when 47 percent of Americans use mascara. 47 percent. Look, it's simple. We need to get assault weapons out of the hands of people who just don't need that many bullets. And that's what I'll do in my second term.

MODERATOR
That's time, Mr. President.

MR. PRESIDENT
Just a minute please. Now look, I want everyone in this country to get an education. And I have made that affordable by cutting the banks out of the student loan business. If we reduce the deficit, develop green energy, which is where our economic independence lies, you, and everyone, will be able to afford mascara. We're not going to be able to bring all the mascara producing jobs back to the U.S.; Chanel, Lancome, Sephora, L'Oreal, those sound pretty foreign, and pretty alluring, to me. But I bailed out Maybelline when my opponent said let her go bare- faced. Nobody wanted to see that. My opponent, if he gets the chance, will end funding for Planned Parenthood and mascara. No more Cliniques.

MODERATOR
Okay Mr. President, thank you. Governor, same question.

GOVERNOR
Thank you very much Jim. Sorry. Candy. Thank you for hosting this debate. I want to thank the audience for being here and for your fantastic questions. Thank you Mr. President for agreeing to this very important evening. Thanks to the American people for watching. Because make no mistake, this is the most important election of your lifetime. And mine. Now to that excellent question from.. Samantha Jenkins? May I call you Samantha? Sammy? No? Do you hate it when your friends call you Sam? Believe me I understand, nicknames can be awful, can't they? Okay then, Samantha. No? Miss Jenkins? All right then. Miss Jenkins, Mr. President, Candy, may I call you Candy? No? All right, Miss Crowley. What? Ms. Crowley? Really? That's hard to say! Okay, Ms Crowley, Mr. President, Miss Jenkins.. What? You too now? Okay, Ms. Jenkins. Dang! That really is hard to say. There's no vowel there. To answer your very excellent question, my father was born in Mexico. He wasn't Mexican. I don't know why he was born in Mexico, none of us do, but he was. But even my father, who was born in Mexico believe it or not, and the family still cannot figure out what he was doing down there, even my father would have been against Obamascara. I'll repeal it on day one. The first day, the first hour.

MODERATOR
That's time Governor.

GOVERNOR
This president has not allowed any drilling for Bare Minerals on federal land. People need to get married to get rid of guns.

MODERATOR
Governor, please.

GOVERNOR
I'm for an eyeliner item veto. I'll pass it the first day. You have offshore investments too if you'll just check your retirement account.

MODERATOR
Please. Next question.

QUESTIONER #2
Yes. How do you put on mascara?