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Oscars For Everybody! If All Professions Gave Themselves Awards...

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HOST

And now it's time for the award for best handling of an IRS audit by a CPA or tax litigator; senior accountant or partner. The nominees are: John Jenkins-H&R Bloch, Myron Berg-Berg, Berg, Berg, Schwartz and Gersten, and David Katayama-Katayama & Associates. And the award goes to.. David Katayama!

WINNER

Wow. Thank you! Thank you everybody. Whoa, this is heavy! About 4.68 pounds give or take ten per cent I'd guess. I'd like to thank the IRS for making this possible. When all the others passed- the Franchise Tax Board, the EDD- the IRS hung in there. Thanks to all the bookkeepers: Mary, Joy, Eileen, Irma, Francine, Toni, Linda, Susan, Maggie, Dolores, Gina, Doreen, Claire and Jenny, oh gosh I know I'm forgetting somebody...Ivy, Sharon, Beth, Tisha, Bonnie, Lydia, Joan, Vera.. I'd like to thank Debby for the Xeroxing, God, Quicken, Turbotax, the Post-It people, the Number Two pencil guys, the yellow legal pad group, our paper clip suppliers, our wonderful team who keeps us in those "Sign Here" sticky things, thanks Annie for the folders - great color.. and Office Depot for the laser jet paper and cartridges. You guys have always been there for us, love ya. Thanks to my beautiful wife Sara for letting me do this crazy numbers thing, and my two beautiful children Jessica and Zach, do your math homework and go to bed!! And of course the man who made it all possible, Danny Schwartz, who insisted on writing off his ski boat as a home office deduction even when I told him it would draw attention. Thank you! Who do I bill for this speech?

HOST

Our next award is for best angioplasty on an emergency outpatient basis, with single payer group insurance plan, thousand dollar or less deductible, five hundred dollar co-pay, and prescription drug coverage, generics only. The nominees are: Dr. Myron Bernstein, M.D., Dr. Supti Gupta, M.D., and Dr. Amira Singh, M.D., PhD. And the winner is.. Dr. Myron Bernstein!! Come on up Doc, don't keep us waiting ha ha!!

WINNER

Thank you. This is quite an honor. I didn't expect it, but I made a few notes in case. Let's see, oh, I can't read my writing.. Well, you know it's a group effort, so thanks to all the nurses, and the girls at the admitting desk, Lonnie at the dispensary, Julia the I. V. nurse, great job, to the interns, the night shift, LaToya the dietician, to Bruno my anesthesiologist, who bills separately. I can't forget Joan, Lisa, Charlene and Marcy in billing, they really make it all possible. And last but not least, thanks to Mario Canto for his pack a day habit, sedentary lifestyle, and all the fried foods. This one's for you.

VOICEOVER

Awards presented earlier include Bernard Slotkin for best lox slicing-deli or specialty grocery store, counterman, for "It's a little over.." ; Jessyca Sherman for best fast food drive-thru cashier, lids, ketchup, and correct change category, for "The napkins are in the bag" ; Nicholas Wyneberg for best shoe salesman, department store, mall, or chain, sizes 5 through 10 and a half, for July 4th Sale, "I don't have the brown in eight, so I brought you the black"; and Sam Nasseri, drycleaner, best front crease, non toxic chemicals, shirts on hangers, for "The Red Wine Incident". Congratulations to all our winners.

HOST

And now to present our final award of the night, please welcome a woman who has won twice in the dental hygienist rinse and spit category for best prophylaxis and polish, and a man who can get you from JFK airport to midtown Manhattan in under forty minutes by way of the Triboro Bridge, to the FDR Drive, crossing 96th St. through the park, and down Sixth Avenue to Columbus Circle. Danielle Barnes and Ashki Azkdullahadzhi!

DANIELLE

Thank you. We're honored to be presenting the award for best directory assistance operator lookup, business or residence. And I'd like to thank Ashki for getting me to the stage in under ten minutes!

ASHKI

I take you quickest way!! Midtown Tunnel closed! I no cheat! You want different way I take you! Not my fault!

DANIELLE

And the award goes to.. LaTonya Stevens!

WINNER

Oh! I can't believe it! I'd like to thank anybody who was ever too lazy to get up off their ass and open a phone book! It's an honor to be in such talented company: Maria Parchetti for "Is that an "M" as in Mary or an "N" as in Nancy?" Jennifer Jackson for "How are you spelling that first name?" And DeLicia Sutton for "I have an "H" at that address but no "Henry". You're all winners in my book! I can't believe it! I thought for sure I blew it when that man asked for address only, and then I found the number and just automatically connected him to the recording of the phone number, three times! Well, anyway, it just shows you can never give up! I can't believe I'm getting an award for a job I get paid for. I'm up to twelve dollars an hour now, with health coverage but no dental or eyeglasses, so this is just the icing on the cake. An award for just doing my job, and I'd do it for free, but hey! I'd like to thank God, my mother, AT&T, and Erasmus High School. And to all you people who said I'd never make it - Here's your number!!!!!

HOST

That wraps it up! Drive safely, work hard, let's try and get that minimum wage hike by next year!! Good night!

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