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Elayne Boosler

Elayne Boosler

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Seder 2010: The Way We Live Today

Posted: 03/29/10 07:20 PM ET

"Hi Mom and Dad. Wow, it's freezing out there!"

"What are you, starting already?"

"With what?"

"You think snow means the planet isn't warming?"

"No Dad, I just need a tissue. And maybe some hot tea."

"No tea in this house! Those lunatics have blackened the name of tea forever. And tea was already black!"

"There's your brother."

"Hey hi, be right there I haveta charge my Blackberry."

"We're having blueberries."

"Cool, Grandma! (yipes)."

"Maybe you shouldn't have a phone until everyone in the collective has a phone. Isn't that how it works?"

"Ma, I'm sorry Nader didn't win, but Obama didn't win by only one vote. Get off my back."

"Hey Jack, nice day!"

"Enjoy it while you can. I'm going to put on suncreen."

"Dad, stop! It's thirty degrees out there."

"And a hole in the ozone. If I get melanoma it's not covered. The sun is a pre-existing condition."

"The health bill changed that. There are no more pre-existing conditions."

"Oh, that's right. I'll try not to get skin cancer til 2014."

"Everybody better get your abortions in now. Esther? Sophie? Grandma?"

"That's funny to you? That's a person."

"Dad, you always told me you weren't a person until you paid off your college loans."

"Who coined 'abortion on demand'? What a talking point. I can't even get DirecTV On Demand."

"Stop it and come to the table everybody, it's ready. Jack, Pa, you're at the head. Ma, there. Sophie, Esther, here. Ming Na, Wu Chen, Dolores, Mary Rose, Brendan, Abe, Carmelita, Rosita and Jose, come on."

"Looks great, ma!"

"Suavacito."

"Thank you doll."

"What's that?"

"That's Polar bear, and that one's baby seal."

"Very funny."

"Well I know you don't eat beef."

"I thought it's not a seal until it pays off its passage to Sea World."

"Ha."

"Beef, it's what's dead for dinner."

"She's right. You can have a beef shake by just mixing up growth hormone, antibiotics, poop, steroids and corn."

"Do we hafta hear poop at dinner?"

"Steroids. That's the baseball beef dinner."

"Maybe the dinner should have an asterisk."

"Sea World educates children about wild animals."

"Yes Sophie. Every kid who visits Sea World thinks wild dolphins and whales have a basketball league in the Pacific. And line dance."

"I swam with a whale. Your Aunt Dolores!"

"Shut up, Abe. Don't worry Jessica honey, the brisket has been cooked so long it has no chemical properties of anything that was ever alive."

"Mmm. Who needs a man when there's meat that will lay on your chest for a week."

"Only Mom could broil the DNA out of a living thing. Forensic Kosher cooking. CSI-Queens."

"Can't we have one dinner in peace?"

"Peace? You support the troops, young lady."

"I do, Dad. They sacrifice to bring democracy, and the Iraqi Prime Minister challenges the election results."

"Well see? We brought American democracy."

"Al Gore should have fought. Stepping aside, biggest mistake in this country's history."

"WHO NEEDS CARROTS? Brendan?"

"The youngest will ask the first of the Four Questions. Wu Chen, are you ready, shana tatelah?"

"為什麼是此晚上不同的?"

"Very good! Now Grandpa answers. Pa?"

"Мы едим горькAp травы для того чтобы напомнить нас."

"What did Grandpa say?"

"Shame on you Esther. You let your Russian go?"

"Please pass the matzoh."

"Why not just wait? I'm sure the matzoh will make its way over to you when you're not looking. It may even take over the potatoes."

"Hey, the matzoh won that territory in 1967. Do you let the neighbors tell you what to plant?"

"Father Doolie says..."

"Father Doolie? Are you kidding, Mary Rose? Who's his date at mass today? Skippy?"

"Shut your mouth!"

"Like the Pope?"

"Stop it! The Pope can't say anything until there's a full investigation."

"They should let the priests have lives. Then they wouldn't have to do this."

"Then they wouldn't be priests. They'd be insurance salesmen."

"Hey, plenty of rabbis have fallen off the path."

"Yes! With hookers, not children!"

"That's a badge of honor?"

"Stop. I cooked all week so we could have a nice meal."

"What's the carbon footprint of this meal, Ma?"

"Don't worry about it smart pants, I traded caps with Mrs. O'Donohue next door. I won't be roasting anything on December 25th."

"How about I kick you in the ass so we can see the footprint?"

"Hey, Abe hasn't done his 'Ray Charles reading the matzoh' joke yet."

"Please, no. Only African Americans can do a Ray Charles joke. I don't want trouble."

"Can' 我們全部得到的t ?"

"Ming Na is right. We're all Americans. We should be grateful. We have food, freedom, and God bless, TiVo. Do you know how many countries have to sit through commercials?"

"¿Qué es el remate de chiste de Ray Charles?"

"Oh. He touches the matzoh and he says, 'Who writes this shit?'"

"Hahahaha!"

"Oh dear."

"Here we go."

"Oy, I have to go open my belt."

"There he is, Israel loosening its belt to lie down on the new couch of expanding settlements."

"It's just a belt, Mary Rose!"

"Time for the second of the four questions."

"Maybe we need some new questions."

"Oh Mr. Big Shot. You bloggle for the Huffington Post, so now you're fit to rewrite the Torah?"

"It's blog, Ma."

"I don't care what it is. The Torah wasn't written by someone who writes in his underwear. In the daytime. For free."

"Van Gogh only sold one painting while he was alive."

"How'd that work out for him?"

"We don't need new questions. We need better answers."

"Usted puede decir eso otra vez."

"Alavai, Rosita. Such a shana punim."

"Неправильно с этими lunatics, Carmelita?"

"No saben afortunado son, Grandpa."

"Wu Chen, the question."

"為什麼我們吃苦澀草本?"

"Pa?"

"Вспомнить наше горькое путешествие."

"Pequeño muchacho muy muy bueno, such a mensch."

"感謝伯父, dude."

"Jose, you've been here five years. You think you might speak English?"

"Grandpa and Wu Chen like my Spanish. But no worries, I'm not gonna lose my Russian."

"Obama's anti-Semitic."

"No, he's not. He's telling them to stop building so there can be a peace process. Nobody can say anything or right away you're anti-Semitic."

"I didn't care for that Sandra Bullock movie."

"You think she's anti-Semitic?"

"That was some husband. Such a pretty girl."

"Never happen. Any progress, the Palestinians attack. I wish Israel didn't take the bait every time."

"I lost twenty pounds watching the news with dinner. I scream and yell so much all the food falls out of my mouth. I was worried when Obama came in I would stop, but no. Five pounds in his first year."

"What kind of Tostitos are these? Muy bueno."

"Streits."

"I say forget Hillary, let's send Sarah Palin to the Middle East."

"Are you crazy? She's an idiot!"

"I know. Let's just send her."

"Hahahaha. Finally Abe, a good joke!"

"Happy Passover, salud y amor y tiempo para disfrutarlo."

"Prost."

"Nien Nien nu e. Kong Chien."

"L'Chaim everybody. And a zeisen Pesach. Next year, hopefully, on beachfront property. Or at least a doorman building."

 

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