THE BLOG
09/11/2013 10:43 pm ET Updated Nov 11, 2013

Not So Tough Now Are Ya, Mother Nature?

You heard me. After 200,000 years of trying to wipe us out, and getting damn close once, we finally have the upper hand. That's right. We're changing the climate. We're shaking things up (Literally. We can make our own earthquakes now). So, take a seat Mother Nature and see the exquisite horrors we have in store for you. Boo yah.

Dead Zones, Sucka!

The ocean: beautiful, blue, and filled with sharks and giant squids. Well, for now at least. You see, we like chemicals. With chemicals, you can enhance food, murder insects, and make tiny rocks of fun-time poison known as "meth". Some chemicals, such as the ones in pesticides and industrial strength fertilizer, can run off into the ocean and create oxygen depleted "dead zones". Right now, over 94,000 square miles of ocean are lifeless pools of nothing that grow with each passing year. That's right, Mother Nature, we upped the game. You filled the oceans with murderous sharks? We overfished. You hit us with Tsunamis and rogue waves? We. Killed. Everything.

Spilling Oil All Over the Damn Place

Exxon Valdez. Deepwater Horizon. Kuwaiti Oil Fires. If one thinks of oil as blood, we're bleeding you dry, bitch! We've spilled hundreds of thousands of tons of oil over the years with some totally kickass results. Sure, we try to clean it up sometimes, but that usually involves stuff that's worse for the environment than the oil. Hey, you brought this on yourself, Mother Nature. I'd say these spills almost make us even for black widow spiders and tuberculosis.

Custom-Made Earthquakes, Baby.

Once the fever dream of wannabe Bond villains, creating our own earthquakes has become an awesome, awesome reality. With the advent of fracking, we've been pumping water and other ingredients into the ground to release sweet, sweet natural gas. This also places pressure on fault lines. The result? Earthquakes, baby! We don't need your 7.0 Mw Haitian surprises anymore. We can do it ourselves. A 5.7 Mw quake in Oklahoma? Done. Earthquakes in places like Arkansas and Ohio? Done and done. Mother nature, you have been outquaked.

Radiating the Hell Out of the Pacific

We thought we finally got you with the invention of nuclear weapons, but then we realized that would hurt us, too. But what if we limited the mutating-inducing effects of nuclear radiation to a slow trickle? So, we built nuclear reactors around the world, never updated or repaired them, and waited for you to strike. Oh, you thought you were so awesome when you doused Japan with that Tsunami in 2011, until the Fukushima nuclear plant flooded. Recently, it was revealed that radiation has been leaking throughout the Pacific, just as we planned. The radiation around the plant can kill a person in a few hours. And the ocean? Radioactive water has already leaked into the Pacific Ocean and Japan may need to dump tons of additional radioactive water into the Pacific pretty soon. So, boom! Think that sounds harsh? That's hilarious, coming from the entity that gave us scorpions and Black Death.

Climate Change

While I'm still not convinced this isn't an elaborate frame job from Mother Nature (You are still trying to kill us with space rocks, after all) I, and the rest of the world's scientists, are 97% convinced we pulled this one off on own our. Due to our totally kickass greenhouse gasses, you should start heating up by up to ten degrees over the next hundred years. In fact, if it already feels a little warm to you now, that's because it's almost the hottest the planet has been in 11,000 years. So, get ready for rising seas, extinctions, drought, and some bitchin' pestilence. That's right. As a specie, we're so fucking badass that we can take down an entire planet! If we ever get off this rock, who knows what we can do? I'm looking at you Kepler-62e...

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