Funky to Fabulous: 9 Tips To Be A Better Communicator

The bizarre exchange I had last night with my new hair wrangler highlighted how poorly American's listen to one another. Kelly and I chatted as she flat ironed my rebellious curly hair into the sleek submission that matches my book cover. (Audiences seem think I am the cousin of the author if I don't have straight hair...go figure.)

"So, your daughter is in high school? What's she interested in?" I asked.

"He married his assistant. The one he was having an affair with, now they are traveling everywhere together." she replied.

Nope. I am not making it up. That is a direct quote.

I asked her about her daughter not about the ex-husband that she had divorced ten years ago. What a perfect illustration of how many of us don't listen to one another. No wonder so many of our relationships are tangled up in misunderstandings.

Want to have a better day- fast? Listen up. One of the best ways to replenish yourself in the midst of a stressful situation (particularly if you are a woman) is through communication and connection. You can go from feeling funky to fabulous by actively engaging in listening. Paying attention to what you are hearing is a magnificent way to be a better communicator. Why? Because it demonstrates that you value the person with whom you are speaking.

In my coaching practice, I continually see that enhancing listening skills can help you whether you are leading a team of 1,000 or just trying to have a better relationship with that person sitting across from you drinking coffee.

1. Don't Let The Words Distract You

Numerous studies show that less than half of what is communicated is through spoken words. Some studies give words even less weight on the communication scale. Albert Mehrabian, Ph.D. conducted some of the most influential studies on the importance for the nonverbal components of communication. His landmark report rated 7% importance for words, 38% for tone and 55% for and body language for their effectiveness. Whether you dispute or agree with his percentages, they illustrate that you miss a great deal of content if you listen to words alone.

HOW someone says something is far more important than WHAT they say. Listen for infections, signs and coughs. These are unconscious body signals that 'highlight' a statement. They tell you that what was just said was important. For example if someone says, "I love working on that project." and then coughs or sighs it is likely that there is a part of them that doesn't believe the statement.

2. Oh, What A Difference A But Makes

Become a "but" watcher and you'll be dazzled at how much better your perception becomes. Pay attention to the word "but" in any sentence. It tells you, the listener, that everything said before the "but" might not be the truth. "I love my new position, but the hours drive me insane." The bigger truth in that sentence is that the speaker is drowning under their workload.

3. Don't Skip The End

Pay particular attention to what someone says at the end of a sentence. "I'd like to put together a presentation, except I don't know how." Often people make a preamble of what they think the listener would like you hear. Many save the most honest part of a statement for the end of a sentence.

4. Ask Is Not A Four Letter Word

Just because you speak the same language...don't assume you understand another person. The message sent is often not the message received. Masterful listeners ask, ask, ask. Any sales executive knows that the person asking the questions is the person in control of the conversation. An easy way to become an expert listener is to verify that your perception of what was said was what the speaker meant.

5. The "Should, Can't, Have To" Crystal Ball.

Each one of these words conveys a negative belief or perceived assessment of a situation. Watch the statement that follows "Should", "Can't, and "Have To." The listener is telling you that they really don't want to do what they are saying. Watch these words closely and folks around you will think you are plugged into the psychic hot line.

6. Yes, No...No Way

If you are asking a "Yes, No" question you are not giving your listener the room to communicate with depth. Why bother interacting if you don't want real information? We have gotten into the habit of speaking in sound bites. Power up your listening by adding more open-ended questions. (Questions that require something other than a yes or no answer.)

"What can I do to be a better _____ friend, partner, neighbor?"

(Add your own favorite here)

Use this courageous open-ended question to transform just about any situation or relationship.

7. Men Lay The Bricks and Women Toss The Salad

Do you feel misunderstood by the opposite sex? One of the reasons that we drive each other bonkers is that we expect that other gender to communicate the way we do. They don't. The Today Show just asked me to share some tips on the difference in male/female communication. Men tend to speak in succinct logical progression. Women mix it up. Here's an easy visual for gender communication styles.

Man Speak = Laying Bricks

Woman Speak = Tossing Salad.

I will be going into this more deeply in future posts.

8. Don't Throw A Brick In The Salad

Interrupting a speaker is a key signpost of lousy listening. Wait least four seconds after the person finishes speaking before you respond. This will help train you not to cut off the speaker until they are finished with an idea. Ladies, don't disturb a man laying bricks. Not interrupting men is key since they have a more linear communication style than women.

9. Don't Listen With Your Ears.

The University of Santa Monica has a revolutionary program of Spiritual Psychology. One of the skills they teach is Heart Centered Listening. Imagine that your heart had ears. If you listen with your heart you will hear the depth of the message any person is trying to convey.

So, close your mouth, open your heart and find out what that other astonishing human being has to share with you. It may surprise you.

***

Ask Eli a question at [e-mail] or go to www.elidavidson.com to gawk at her frizzy hair.

Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized woman's executive coach and motivational speaker.

Her book, Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for The Savvy, Sassy and Swamped, (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards.

Comments

[EliDavidson]

Dear Frances,
What an astute listener you are.

[FrancesHollidayAlford]

I thank you for being a good listener. It is hard to kick those bricks out of the salad. Here is the conversation I listened to today:

"I wanted to send these flowers to my daughter Heidi. She is the one who had the baby last year and you should see the cute pictures the drugstore took of her. That is the RiteAid. Brooks went out of business. I really miss them. They always had such good sales. Did you ever buy any of their makeup? I really liked the breast cancer M&Ms that are all pink. In fact, I always buy the brest cancer stamps and now I have Bob buying them too. Except that when I went into the post office Keith would only sell me seven pages of the stamps so now I buy them from Sue up at the other post office. You have to park to the side there and it is a little harder to get in the door but they also sell drinks. I always get the diet coke even though they tell me I need to gain a little weight. Maybe I talk too much?"

"So," I said, "Were you able to send Heidi the flowers?"

[Alvetta]

Hi Eli!

Thank you so much for the valuable tips on communication!! It's so needed... We somehow have to master the art of this tool in order to function properly everyday! Once men AND women get a grip on that, it would make our everyday lives much better.

Thanks for your continuous inspiration...

~A

[DuncanF]

Great Eli!

Thanks for the tips! Your definetly gonna help me turn my life around!

[bargercm]

Eli, how I appreciated your words of wisdom. I become so frustrated with the results of poor communication. So many of my problems end up being that I did not communicate clearly or did not understand clearly. I look forward to more tips, particularly man-woman speak.

[ColinF]

WOW ELI!

Thank you so much for these great Tips!!
Your a life saver!

Keep up this great, NO AMAZING! work!!!!

[EliDavidson]

Thanks so much Colin! I look forward to hearing more from you.

[EliDavidson]

Thank You all soo much!

[juliefogg]

Awesome article, Eli! I had one of the people I mentor read it. I plan on having all of my padawans read it.

[LiberalBuzz]

Great post.

The single most important part of communication is indeed listening BUT (there ya go) I have spoken with too many people of whom articulation is beyond them so listening can be an exercise in frustration. So that is when listening is even more important.

When I was younger I was guilty of all those points and have tried since then to pay closer attention. Especially to children.

[chandra-shekar]

At a restaurant recently, I watched a table close to mine. A young couple with daughters, perhaps three and six respectively, were having breakfast. For about ten minutes, the older child was desperately trying to get the attention of her father. She obviously had something important to tell him. She kept saying "daddy, daddy¦.", then she made noises and faces. Her expression went from excitement and anticipation to anguish.

Her parents were conversing and reading the newspaper. Every now and then, they would address the younger child. It was as if they were oblivious to the older daughter. As the father left to take the younger one to the bathroom, the older daughter told her mom "daddy doesn"t want to talk to me".

I am sure that this is a very loving family. Yet, I was struck by the look on this little girl"s face as she tried to get her father"s attention. For a few fleeting moments, I saw anguish, desperation and sadness. It seemed to me that her soul was weeping.

What a lost opportunity to be aware, responsive and most importantly, to feed a child"s soul.
Listening is one of the best ways to nurture and to show love. We humans are unique in our ability to listen with emotion.

When someone says about a deceased parent "He/she was always there for me", more often than not, they mean that they listened to what we had to say.

(Excerpted and edited from my personal blog)

[gswolfe]

This is a great column. Communication is at the root of all relationships. People need all the help they can get. Communication takes skill and time. These are very helpful suggestions. Eli Davidson is one of the best! Gary Wolfe

[EliDavidson]

It was an honor to write for your publication. I look forward to having the opportunity of helping those in the healthcare community.

[DrTerryP]

Great column with some practical insights on communication delivered in a funcky but fabulous way. When I read about your assessment of differences between men and women, I was reminded of the work of another researcher.

Susan Holen-Hoeksema, Psychologist & Author of "Women Who Think Too Much," made an observation that I share in some of my own programs: "Twenty years ago, my research began to show that women fall into what I call "endless analysis of the past, present and future." If they"re upset, they tend to call friends who hold a magnifying glass to every little angle. At the first sign of problems men head out for a game of pickup basketball or other distractions. "Later," they say. So who is better off? There's a downside to stewing over life's issues. It amplifies sadness, makes problems harder and alienates others. Women are twice as likely as men to develop depression. But women who act more like men-distracting themselves first and then plotting solutions-have the same depression rate as men."

Men often don't want to talk. They would rather get some distance, mull a bit and then come back to think solutions with a clearer head.

Don't push men to talk, and don't assume that talking to another about a problem will be helpful unless the focus of the conversation is on what you are going to do versus how bad it was!

Glad to have your column here.

[missgoLightly]

very true ... i actually only got Eli's book just recently ... and LOVE it. so practical and just so many great ideas on moving forward and making the changes we all want to make ... but somehow seems such a challenge in the midst of the momentum of the lives we already have.
i particularly relate to the last tip - don't listen with your ears - and reminds me of another of my favorite books 'The 7 Habits' - am such a fan of Habit 5 - seek first to understand and then to be understood. this is tough particularly when speaking with someone who is an advocate of 'seeking to be right, understood, heard, and agreed with before ever considering listening to someone else'. but amazing things have happened - when i have TRULY been the example of listening openly whole heartedly, listening with my heart, not my ears, and truly intent on understanding their point of view - it's created a platform for coming together and a deep level of understanding that lead to breakthroughs in relationships in my life.
thanks huff post. another great progressive article.

[anastasiabeaverhousen]

Really enjoyed your post. Thanks.

[NickyD]

Great column Eli! In a world so full of information its hard to really Stop & LISTEN. Part of Listening is being IN the MOMENT. I agree with communicatinghumanity's comment about Multitasking! Paying full attention to what the other person right in front of you is important in business and personal communication.

I have learned so much from my coach Eli Davidson and what a journey it has been learning from the best! Congrats on your column and I look forward to reading it every week!

[EliDavidson]

Thank you so much! I know there is so much that you will be sharing with all of us in the future!