Give Them What They Want: 5 Tips To Avoid Sexual Harrassment

Has the heady fragrance of Breast Health Month made it Sexual Harassment Month?

We have Dave joking about his office affair, Roman getting high profile help for raping a 13 year old, Coupled with the iPhone App that simulates looking up a co-workers skirt.

In Fiscal Year 2008, the Equal Emplyment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) received 13,867 charges of sexual harassment. Hey, I am not male bashing with these stats. 15.9% of those charges were filed by men. EEOC resolved 11,731 sexual harassment charges. They recovered $47.4 million in monetary benefits (not including monetary benefits obtained through litigation).

Barry Halote, Ph.D., a leading expert in sexual discrimination, states that a great percentage of harassment cases go unreported due to the back lash experienced.
He encourages employers to take steps to prevent sexual harassment from occurring. "When management communicates that sexual harassment will not be tolerated fewer incidents occur." says Halote. Companies can do so by providing sexual harassment training to their employees and by establishing an effective complaint or grievance process and taking immediate and appropriate action when an employee complains.

Here are unexpected tips to help avoid harassment.

You Teach People How To Treat You
From the first day you walk in the door act like a professional. Work is not a popularity contest. Set boundaries, and teach people how to treat you. Be aware of what you say and how you behave. Don't let the door be opened to disrespectful behavior.

Dress For Success
Sorry ladies. The advice is to dress conservatively. Sure, they wear mini skirts on TV and magazines. Don't do it at work. Sexy= Slutty when you are in the office. So, if you want to be taken seriously, then dress seriously.

Give Them What They Want
Sexual harassers are insecure human beings. The best way to diffuse harassment is to give them what they want: attention and praise. Complement them. If the harasser had more self respect they would treat others with more respect. Acknowledge their work, the plant on their desk or best of all their hobby. It will distract them from harassing you.

Nip It In The Bud
From the first smell of harassment be firm but confront the harasser.
"It makes me uncomfortable when you _____. " Short direct sentences and concrete examples work best.

Dear Diary
Keep a very detailed diary of the incidents. Listen to yourself. If you are at all uncomfortable, then something is wrong. If the behavior persists tell a supervisor. Harassment is illegal and you will want a very clear paper trail and as many witnesses as possible.

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Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized motivational speaker and executive coach. Her book, "Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for the Savvy, Sassy and Swamped", (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards. Eli is a reinvention catalyst, who can transform your professional and personal life from Funky to Fabulous with her ten, trademarked Turnaround Techniques that create rapid and remarkable results. Check out her blog at http://funkytofabulous.blogspot.com/

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Comments

[Artemis34]

You mention nearly 16% of complaints come from men.

I'd like to see a post with this in perspective. How many men are also subjected to physical assault, sexual assault / rape and murder at work.

I know some men have posted here experiences with harassment but have not seen posts that in the case of male victims this escalated to a beating or rape...

Some people may want to take a tape recorder and pepper spray to work.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Artemis,
You are bringing up such a great point.,The men that have posted comments have been taunted. Not a single one of them feared for their safety. None feared for their lives.

It is fascinating that only them men made the comment "but you are the expert." which in one case seems rather snide.

I am working on another post and am including the perspective of two leading expert witnesses.

Thanks again!
Eli Davidson

[Jeff Norman - Huffpost Blogger]

Male prisoners fear rape. Moreover, it's somehow acceptable to make jokes about it, whereas it's certainly not acceptable to make jokes about female rape victims.

Thoughts?

[Artemis34]

"Flattery seems to temper the aggressive urges of insecure leaders. When Fast and Chen coaxed the egos of these volunteers by praising their leadership skills, their aggressive tendencies all but disappeared. This is proof that leaders are aggressive because of a hurt ego, not simply a threat to their power, Fast says.

This might also explain why leaders of organisations both big and small surround themselves with yes-men and women, he says.

Blind flattery may not be the best solution for the 54 million US citizens estimated to have experienced workplace bullying (PDF). But easing leaders into new positions of power, or telling them that it's natural to feel daunted, could prevent future outbursts, says Adam Galinsky , a social psychologist at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management in Evanston, Illinois."

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17984-its-official-your-bullying-boss-really-is-an-idiot.html?DCMP=OTC-rss&nsref=online-news

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Artemis,
I deeply appreciate your contribution to this discussion. Your comments strike such a deep chord.
I'm getting ready to speak to a technology conference, and the person that is assisting me just finishing telling me stories about how the bully at work is affecting her.

Thank you for the link.

Your Fan,
Eli Davidson

[Pippen]

"....Work is not a popularity contest...."

Yes it is. Where do you work ? Fantasy land ?

I was sexually harrassed my first few weeks at the company. (very large company). I learned months later of the details thats how I know them now. I never filed a word.

About 9 women made a bet they would be the first to seduce me. Each one took overt bold actions to achieve success. The most ridiculous was an older woman who actually sat on my desk facing me without under pants and tried to carry a conversation while I worked. I stood and left the office.

None of them won. And the challenges of being new to a company were a great deal more demanding then my distraction of lustful women. Weeks later a Manager questioned me in a closed office. I offered my off the record experience but insisted I would never EVER sign anything or appear anywhere and that as far as I was concerned it never happened. HR cornered me and interrogated me as well and I told them the same thing.

They transferred 4 of the women to other departments ( all were higher ranking than I at the time ) and the others were offered a warning. I never heard another word. Except that the women thought I had "told" on them and they harbored vengeful resentment for years afterwards.

I have no wisdom on the topic other than say Someone is ALWAYS watching.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you If women were in denial about how some women harasses men in the office- they won't be any more! Your comment was certainly eye opening!

"I was sexually harrassed my first few weeks at the company. (very large company). I learned months later of the details thats how I know them now. I never filed a word.

About 9 women made a bet they would be the first to seduce me. Each one took overt bold actions to achieve success. The most ridiculous was an older woman who actually sat on my desk facing me without under pants and tried to carry a conversation while I worked. I stood and left the office."

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.html

[Dagny Francisco]

I think you make a good point about good people needing to stick together and support one another. It's not enough to have "two silverback gorillas" pounding chests at one another. We need to back others up in a way that lets sexual harassers know that their behavior is *always* unacceptable. Men *and* women.

And we need to learn to communicate better.
http://whayta09.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/talk-talk-talk-about-it-gendered-communication-styles/

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you!

I think bringing this issue into the open gives us all a chance to support one another.

"...we need to learn to communicate better."

Yes indeed.
Eli Davidson
www.elidavidson.com

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.html

[lungfish]

I don't think its a wise idea to make laws that protect people on the basis of gender. Its far to divisive and too easy to exploit. A focus on domestic harmony with a strong educational component for both men and women that focuses on the problems and the ethics around these expectations might serve us better.
I know a lot of good men who are so afraid of being tagged as an abuser that they withhold their good natures from children and women and contribute to the sense of a hostile gender environment.
I have been falsely accused of harassment and exonerated though it didn't make a difference. The suspicion and negativity from female coworkers drove me away. You can't get trust back once you have been slandered.
Yes, women really do have their hands full with males who can't behave professionally. However, men are also faced with a variety of issues with women that don't seem to feel they are personally accountable for what they say or do as well.
So lets focus on how to develop respect for each other, ethical understandings about how to behave around each other and fix this growing gap or we are going to regret it later...

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Lungfish,
I am so deeply touched at the wisdom of your suggestions. You bring up so many superb points.

I know a lot of good men who are so afraid of being tagged as an abuser that they withhold their good natures from children and women and contribute to the sense of a hostile gender environment..

My hope in all this is that we do what you suggest:

?So lets focus on how to develop respect for each other, ethical understandings about how to behave around each other and fix this growing gap or we are going to regret it later..."

Your Fan,
Eli Davidson

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.html

[nantucketsunset]

The sexual harassers I've known have not wanted praise and encouragement - contradicting the advice under "give them what they want". They wanted to bully, intimidate, overpower. They wanted jollies, too -- but providing them with kind, non-sexual attention wouldn't be a realistic replacement. They are interested in coercing and scaring.

Many people look the other way when they see this. Many organizations would rather get rid of the abused than the abuser. The person who blows the whistle is often the one punished. This is a fascinating (to me) new area of study in psychology.

Sometimes having a strong male 'protector' in the company (who is a decent guy, not the type to sexually harass you) helps, as he and the harasser are kind of two male silverback gorillas vying for power control. One time, unbeknownst to me, I had a strong protector in a company. He suddenly died, and one guy who was a general bully and another guy who was a sexual harasser no longer had any impediments, and I was like a little prey thrown into the predators' locked cage. The emotional mauling did me a world of harm. Everyone else was too afraid for themselves to help me, even though I documented the situations and had a witness. I left the organization to save myself, although it wrecked my career at the time.

We (collectively) are only a step away from brutality; each one of us as bystanders has a responsibility to actively keep society

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Your experience of " Many organizations would rather get rid of the abused than the abuser. The person who blows the whistle is often the one punished." is shared by others as you see in the comments.

"Sometimes having a strong male 'protector' in the company (who is a decent guy, not the type to sexually harass you) helps, as he and the harasser are kind of two male silverback gorillas vying for power control. One time, unbeknownst to me, I had a strong protector in a company. He suddenly died, and one guy who was a general bully and another guy who was a sexual harasser no longer had any impediments, and I was like a little prey thrown into the predators' locked cage. The emotional mauling did me a world of harm. Everyone else was too afraid for themselves to help me, even though I documented the situations and had a witness. I left the organization to save myself, although it wrecked my career at the time.

We (collectively) are only a step away from brutality; each one of us as bystanders has a responsibility to actively keep society"

Thank you once again for sharing.
Eli Davidson

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.html

[lungfish]

At work I was once accused, falsely, of harassment and exonerated but not until the woman had ruined my work life and then she retracted her allegation and killed herself a few months later...

I am very careful never, ever to be in a situation where I am alone around children and try to avoid being near children at all because of the threat of being accused by some unstable parent...

I had a female friend(back when I had female friends) who was accused, falsely, by her church of pedophilia... the situation was egregious and she had to move away and the primary folks who were responsible never made a public apology when the police found no evidence of wrongdoing...

So I stay away from women and children and as a business owner I make sure that I am never alone with a female coworker... try not to hire them unless I have to... though I can't really do that as a rule.

It doesn't matter how they dress or what kind of people they are. Common sense and risk management dictates that the current conditions be respected or you can end up being abused by a borderline personality or some other kind of nutcase.

All of these laws demonize men and give unwell females a weapon to abuse men with. It biases our courts when it comes to men's rights and its dangerous to our society as it marginalizes men to some role away from women and children.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Me,
Your stories are heart wrenching.

"Sometimes having a strong male 'protector' in the company (who is a decent guy, not the type to sexually harass you) helps, as he and the harasser are kind of two male silverback gorillas vying for power control. One time, unbeknownst to me, I had a strong protector in a company. He suddenly died, and one guy who was a general bully and another guy who was a sexual harasser no longer had any impediments, and I was like a little prey thrown into the predators' locked cage. The emotional mauling did me a world of harm. Everyone else was too afraid for themselves to help me, even though I documented the situations and had a witness.

I left the organization to save myself, although it wrecked my career at the time."

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.html

[Summer Reyes-Carullo]

it pays to know how to protect yourself (self defense). it comes in handy when confronted with people who physically harass / abuse you. i got to punch someone... knocking the air out of him and he never bothered me ever again and noone ever tried anything nasty with me ever again. ha!

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow!

That is a very novel approach!

[condor101]

The fact is that it's too easy for a woman to ruin a man's career by false accusation of sexual harassment. This occurs on a frequent basis. I video record and audio record all conversations with my employees. In this society, it's too easy to sue an employer for a profit making scheme of false accusations.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

This is such a charged issue.

However, if you read the comments below you will see that the vast majority have had the opposite experience.

Most of those that commented had very real harassment that was either ignored or dismissed.

You are very wise to record your conversations.

[Clovie]

You have no idea whether or not false accusations ruining men's careers is "frequent." I agree that a false accusation does damage and it's unfortunate. But, I'd be willing to bet that it's more often the case that harrassment goes unreported than that it is over-reported.

And...you may want to check the laws in your state. In some states, it's not legal to record people without their knowledge.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Clovie,
I appreciate your point. You placed a very good bet.
If you review the stories that have been shared here, the odds are well over 15 to 1 of unreported harassment.

You make another good point about tape recording.

[Mifan]

In response to Eli's comment on HR firing the victim ... How horrible! The issue of retaliation against the victim is really of great concern. Even on a less dramatic level, pressing charges or formally reporting harassment can negatively impact the victim's reputation in both company and industry.

And Artemis made the point that not all harassers are totally malicious ... some are just really ignorant. It's tough to make the decision to take action or even formally report the harassment.

One possible solution I have seen - The woman being harassed wanted to first try to manage the situation on her own but feared retaliation or unfair treatment from the superior. She worked with an HR person she trusted to document her experiences, seal and mail to the HR person - with instructions that it was only to be opened with her permission. This would work with any supervisor -- or even a colleague, I would imagine. So in the event, that nipping the behavior in the bud doesn't help ... and/or the situation escalates, the diary you have kept of events is on file should it be needed.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you for your suggestions.

I think the suggestion to audio tape conversations with a harasser are also an excellent idea.
Best,
Eli Davidson

[Rollendonner]

Eli,

As suggested above it's illegal in most states to record a conversation unless you tell the person they are being recorded.

One can be legally charged as a felony if one records another without their knowledge. So recording is NOT good advise to others at all.

[MAH999]

Most of the article is good, but the suggestion to "give them what they want" is off the mark. Sexual harassers aren't going to be distracted from what they want. They will see complimenting them as flirtation. I wish I could say that I've seen a technique that is all that effective in stopping them. If a work environment tolerates this behavior, your best bet is to get out of it. Whenever I've seen it, it's systemic. Harassers do it because they know they can get away with it. All companies are influenced by the character of the people who start them -- large organizations and small. I've been a contractor for 30 years and I've had the opportunity to observe how a lot of organizations function. It isn't a sign of weakness to leave. When you leave a company because it has a bad environment, you take your talent and experience with you to a company you can feel good about supporting.

Another form of harassment comes in the form of limiting women's careers. That seems to be undergoing a resurgence with the proliferation of workers from countries that do not see women as equals of men. Attitudes about women are deeply engrained and completely unconscious for many men. This is going to be a real challenge as globalization continues.

[nantucketsunset]

I work with many expats in many companies, and I have to agree with you. Globalization has some benefits, but importing managers from more traditional cultures can (sometimes without their realizing it, obviously) take US workplaces back decades and decades.

There are so many subtle things that add up to discrimination without anything overt or obviously "illegal" happening.

You can teach people what the laws are, but you can't really change their fundamental beliefs in how the world ought to work. That's why taking strong stands at the highest organizational level and insisting on transparent procedures probably do more to prevent harrassment & discrimination than touchy-feely consciousn­ess-raisin­g or relationsh­ip-buildin­g seminars would.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

This is a wonderful point.
I had a dinner with a very senior woman executive at a Fortune 100 company. She reported to a man from Latin America. Things were fine for the 3 years they worked closely. Then he got divorced. He began harassing her and other women in senior positions.

She left the company.

I agree "taking strong stands at the highest organizational level and insisting on transparent procedures probably do more to prevent harassment & discrimination."

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.html

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Here is another entertainment industry update. A woman told me of her experience verbally since she fears retribution.

A woman executive was being harassed.
Her repeated demands that the harasser cease and desist did not bring any alteration of his behavior.
She reported the repeated incidents to HR.

She was fired the following day.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

Some readers have questioned that I looked at Letterman's behavior as inappropriate.

"David Letterman's days of frolicking with interns are over – at least as far as one Connecticut university is concerned.

Quinnipiac University says it will tell staff in charge of placing interns to be extra careful when sending students to the studio to work for Letterman, 62, who is currently at the center of a blackmail scandal over his alleged affair with one of his former interns. "

Best,
Eli Davidson

[Artemis34]

"Dress for success" is always good advice for professional reasons.

You need to sell your professional services in the workplace and part of that is the packaging. Think of what sales people do. They smile and they do flatter. I've found it useful to ask the opinion of others. You are conveying your interest and respect and people love to give their opinions.

Aside from standard career advice, I'd say there are two types of harassers who vary in severity over a spectrum. You will know the difference. Type 2 is a lot more negative and you will perceive this.

1) is just dumb and / or socially inept. They are not mean spirited. They are not mean spirited. Just saying "No" and "That is inappropriate" will probably work with them. Just draw the line.

2) is the harasser that runs the spectrum from harasser to stalker to rapist / predator. This is the mean spirited person. These people assail others because of reasons inside of them. These are the ones looking for the weak and vulnerable prey.

Using techniques like being strong and self-confident will decrease your likelihood of being a target.

But still, I would not flatter these people. You need to protect yourself from them, and one way is to avoid them even changing jobs. And find out from HR if they do a criminal background checks on everyone. If someone has been convicted of domestic violence or child abuse are they still hired?

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

I so appreciate your thoughtful contribution to this discussion. As one reads through the comments it is clear to see what a broad scope of harassment there is.

You make a great point about not flattering the harasser. That is not the intention of that point. You stated that "Using techniques like being strong and self-confident will decrease your likelihood of being a target." When you acknowledge the good in another person you take a position that is " strong and self-confident" and take yourself out of the victim role. I would certainly avoid doing it if it seemed like 'flattery" of any kind.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eli-davidson/give-them-what-they-want_b_314766.htmlThe intention is to make a statement that is

[Artemis34]

Agree with Joan1111. It is still a man's game and you have to know how to play.

I remember in "I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can" Barbara Gordon is hitting a racket ball with a colleague and he says something about the score and she didn't even realize they were playing a game, but he was keeping score.

Hard to win if you don't even know you are playing a game.

You think American men take work more seriously than a game? All financial outcomes today indicate otherwise.

[Eli Davidson - Huffpost Blogger]

This is such a complex issue. As you can see in the comments it is not just women that are living with harassment. My vantage point has been through my working relationship with coaching clients. I have been in the trenches with clients. However, the wide variety of comments has certainly opened my eyes.

My hope is that exposing the very ugly face of harassment will give the women and men the courage to stand up taller, and not allow this behavior to continue.

Thanks again!
Eli Davidson
www.elidavidson.com