Growing up on a gravel road in Bucyrus, Kan., a car... any car... and especially a car we didn't know was a big deal. We'd run out to the road and wave at the adult behind the wheel as the dust clouds of the speeding car settled. Strangers were a rare fruit. We never took them for granted.
Now many of my days are in airports in London and Helsinki. We strangers pass one another like frozen chicken nuggets on a conveyer belt.
This stark difference hit me as we wind our way through security. My embarrassing admission. Frisk me. Question me. X-ray me. Just don't make me take off my shoes. My latent briophobia (anxiety about going barefoot) had been dormant until this Homeland Security rule came about. I am fine to be barefoot anywhere BUT a large public space. Every time I have to leave my shoes on a conveyor belt and walk barefoot on that germ-infected floor I start shallow breathing. (I've tried bringing my own flip flops, slippers and a variety of non-shoe shoes. If you've gotten around this please let me know.)
I was bending over to take my shoes off and I bumped into the man behind me in line, who was in a wheelchair. The line snaked behind him as he struggled to reach the double knot in his tennis shoes. His arms were long enough to get at the double knots in his tennis shoes. Being from Kansas, I snapped out of my briophobiac stupor, untied his shoes and put them on the conveyor belt. No biggie. "Thank you. In 35 years of traveling no one has ever done that for me." He said. The sadness in his voice stabbed me. For 35 years fellow travelers had dashed passed his struggle.
Unfortunately, scientists tell us it may be getting worse. MIT Professor Sherry Turkle is a psychologist and author of Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other. In a recent piece in the New York Times she stated, "We've become accustomed to a new way of being 'alone together.'"
Technology-enabled, we are able to be with one another, and also elsewhere, connected to wherever we want to be. We want to customize our lives. We want to move in and out of where we are because the thing we value most is control over where we focus our attention. We have gotten used to the idea of being in a tribe of one, loyal to our own party. A 16-year-old boy who relies on texting for almost everything says almost wistfully, "Someday, someday, but certainly not now, I'd like to learn how to have a conversation."
How often have we each been so embroiled in our own petty dramas that we breeze past someone in trouble? My hand is raised. How about yours? How often have we each walk past a person that needs help? If your blood pressure rose as you ran errands or were crammed into a plane or train, here are some ways to help.
The Eyes Have It
Take a break from your gizmo of choice. Take an hour to have conversations where you look a friend, college or dare I say it, a stranger, in the eyes.
The Italian Kansas Formula
Back on the gravel roads of Bucyrus, Kan., my mom would pull off to the side of the road to share some small talk with neighbors. (Our closest neighbor was a quarter of a mile away... so it didn't happen often.) My sister now lives in Italy. I see this same ritual happen at the bakery in Milan as well as the back roads of Umbria.
The INAY Movement
One of the challenges of technology is that it is always about you. Your tweet, your status, your link. INAY = It's Not About You. Let's start a movement that isn't about us. Let's leap out of our own dramas and looks someone in the eyes.
It is up to you and I to help someone tie or untie their shoe.
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Eli Davidson is a nationally recognized motivational speaker and executive coach. Her book, "Funky to Fabulous: Surefire Success Stories for the Savvy, Sassy and Swamped" (Oak Grove Publishing) has won three national book awards. Check out her blog at funkytofabulous.blogspot.com.
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Patience Salgado: Stranger Danger Dispelled By Bears And Kindness
Susan Piver: Overcoming Anxiety Through Kindness and Meditation
Delia Lloyd: The Kindness Of Strangers: It's a Small World After All
Life is so much more magical when we see the person next to us and take time to offer a smile and words of kindness, and when needed a helping hand for what may seem like the simplest offering.
When women see one another as sisters and respond accordingly when in public, verses avoiding eye contact or feeling competitive, we empower one another and set a beautiful example to others.
Recognizing that we are all connected and mini tribes, all connected to the one tribe here on planet Earth, is an enlightened space to be in for both men and women.
Much love - Taylore
http://www.SensualSage.com
I absolutely love and agree with your article! When have we become so indifferent, I don't know I was too involved in my own Blackberry/Facebook/Twitter/Huffington Post world to notice how quickly we have become disconnected to one another. Putting all jokes aside I definitely believe that we need to take some time, even go back to basics, to reestablish relationships and reconnect to those that matter. My website http://vinnakatz.com/ is committed to guiding and inspiring women through everyday basics and interviews of successful women so that they gain the confidence to take on all their roles and have the right tools to connect to those that around them.
Keep up the great work!
Best Regards,
Vinna Katz
http://vinnakatz.com/
Thank you so much for sharing...and all the tools on your wonderful site. Wow! Who would have ever dreamed that black beans could be a great substitute for sugar and butter! I am fascinated and hope you share more with us in days to come!!
Your work in Australia and New Zealand is so cutting edge and empowering. It is indeed an honor to support your global mission of empowering women entrepreneurs with Leading Ladies International.
It is so clear that you are an INAY business leader!
Warmly,
Eli Davidson
Love that you are on the same wavelength with us over here downunder in Oz @Eli! I am also a supporter of WorldBlu for that very reason that we should have democratic workplaces and not "i" centred dictatorship - imagine what a great place the world could be then!
Seeing what you are doing in Australia, New Zealand and around the globe is such a demonstration of putting INAY Movement into action. It is indeed an honor to see how you are empowering women in Leading Ladies International.
It is my joy to be supporting your work and your global mission of "democratic workplaces and not "i" centred dictatorship."
BRAVA!
On Saturday, my 76-year-old father passed a car accident just a few yards from his driveway. He lives on a country road in Iowa, very much on a road like the one you grew up on in Kansas.
Four people were in standing by the car, shaken and stunned. They told him there was a boy still inside the car. My father took charge of the situation and ascertained the boy was not breathing. He performed CPR on this 7 year old boy for 20 minutes until paramedics arrived and a helicopter landed to life-flight the boy out. The boy was bleeding from his nose, ears and mouth. I don't know if you've ever thought about what you would do if you had to perform CPR on a stranger bleeding from the mouth, without the benefit of a breathing apparatus, but I would bet it requires great courage.
Unfortunately the boy didn't make it, but I still believe my father is a hero. He allowed this boy's mother to know that everything possible was done to try to save her child when she was paralyzed with fear.
There are still people in the world who stop, who help, who go above and beyond and who care! And there are still everyday heroes in America.
Your story of your fathers heart and herosim is incredibly touching and inspiring. Could you please thank you father for me...and all of us.
What you said is indeed true. "There are still people in the world who stop, who help, who go above and beyond and who care! And there are still everyday heroes in America."
Your father is one of those heroes.
Thank you.
Thank you for the heart-warming story. It does help people to pause and think for a moment about what's real and our longing for human connection as humans. A lot of people are distracted by the new technologies and gadgets that result in wasted time, real human connection and a distortion of reality.
Erfan Hettini
America's Ambassador of Entrepreneurship
http://fire-your-employer.com
How wonderful to have you weigh in on the importance of human connection. As an advocate for entrepreneurship it is wonderful to see what you are up to!
Warmly,
Eli Davidson
Thank you for your gracious comment. It's my fundemental belief that we humans need each other more than we're willing to admit and the size of success in life and business are all very relevant to how much cooperation you get from other people and you typically won't get that cooperation unless you took the time build a relationship. You can only build thriving relationships by being sensitive to others needs and yours as well.
The story you provided in your article and how you took the time to being aware of someone else's need and connecting with that person in a positive way is a very effective way for anyone wanting to harness the skills of a master networker in business and gain more influence in life as well.
Erfan Hettini
America's Ambassador of Entrepreneurship
http://fire-your-employer.com
I do anything to avoid getting on a plane with my family for the exact reason you shared in your article. I remember traveling with our son Dominick when he was a month old and the TSA scrutinizing this innocent life. I looked for a glimmer of humanity in the officers who were there to protect us, but all that came back was a wall of coldness. Of course, I did not take this personally. They were just doing their job, it's what they were trained to do. Having a daily spiritual practice, I was able to have compassion but I'll admit it was a struggle!
As I go through my day, I take a moment to center, ground and connect my mind, body and spirit so I don't get snippy or impatient with someone.
I allow myself more time to get to where I need to get to, so I can treat people well, whether it's driving down Sunset Blvd. in traffic or at the Trader Joe's check out.
I remind myself when a stranger is unkind that they are disconnected from their feelings. I take a deep breath and I say a little prayer with the intention of them receiving love and their day improving.
Joanna Garzilli
Los Angeles, CA
BigMiracleBreakthrough.com
"I take a deep breath and I say a little prayer with the intention of them receiving love and their day improving."
I am doing this right now!
I have a different theory as to why we are withdrawing from others: I think the reluctance to help a stranger comes partly from the fact that strangers have taken to suing the very "samaritans" who helped them. We are morphing more and more into a "what have you done for me lately" culture, which breeds ingratitude. Rather than saying "thank you for removing me from the overturned car that could have crushed me," they get upset because their arm was broken in the process. As a lawyer, this galls me. Look too, to the rise in malpractice suits and lawsuits in general. No longer is anything an "accident" or do we have to be accountable for our own actions; someone ELSE is always to blame. Is it any wonder that, with life as stressful as it is, people would want to retreat behind a computer or TV screen and not interact with others? I think it's the desire to live a problem-free, harm-free, hermatically-sealed life that makes the new technology so enticing; it's not the technology that creates the desire. Just one humble lawyer's opinion.
Nina Kaufman, Esq.
New York City
I am grateful to hear your perspective. Frankly, a woman attorney just made my life infinitely more safe as she is protecting me from the crazy behavior of a neighbor. I salute you and your views!
"As a lawyer, this galls me. Look too, to the rise in malpractice suits and lawsuits in general. No longer is anything an "accident" or do we have to be accountable for our own actions; someone ELSE is always to blame. Is it any wonder that, with life as stressful as it is, people would want to retreat behind a computer or TV screen and not interact with others?"
You are certainly a leader in your field.
Eli
Thank you!
Lilia Birem
Near the beginning of the workshop, once the basic logistics have been dealt with, I invite everyone to take a look around the room. I ask them to pick three people they don't know or don't know well, and I give them five minutes to go to those people, learn their names and one thing they have in common with each person. The conversations fly (because they only have about 1.5 minutes per person). At the end of the time, I ask how the experience was for them. Invariably, they talk about the common bond that was formed with someone who just a few minutes prior was a stranger. And how connected they now feel to others in the room. The whole group is energized, smiling, and any barriers are gone.
For me, it's the simple process of truly seeing "the other" as a human being, just like you, with needs, fears, dreams and hopes. All it takes is a conscious effort on my part and yours, and a moment of our time to bridge the gap and make the world a better place for everyone.
"For me, it's the simple process of truly seeing "the other" as a human being, just like you, with needs, fears, dreams and hopes." You said it all!!!
How fortunate is your daughter to have such a conscious mom. In my opinion we are all learning the art of conversation in an ever deepening way.
You have so much to teach so many.
Your Fan,
Eli Davidson
a great woman with heart :-))
Big Love,
Ed