For most, deciding to separate is no easy feat, especially if children are involved. The process of making this tremendous decision is usually predicated by months or even years of therapy, soul searching, self doubt and anxiety. Typically, this agonizing process of deciding whether to split up takes place in private. Perhaps a few close friends, family members or a therapist know that the couple is struggling. But, for the most part, the couple usually presents to the outside world as if it's all good (or good enough) on the marriage front.
One of the biggest concerns that I hear about as a therapist relates to how one's community will respond if a couple decides to divorce. A forty year old mother of two worries:
Our neighborhood friends are central to our lives. I worry constantly about what our community will think. How will they respond? Will our children be ostracized? As a woman who wants to leave, I fear I am defying a stereotype and will be forever rejected by our friends. This fear alone has kept me in a miserable marriage for longer than I want to admit.
Her concerns are surprisingly common, and well-founded. Friendships do change following a divorce, and both adults and children are impacted by these changes.
And yet, when unhappily married couples finally separate, something interesting and unexpected tends to happen. I call it divorce's "out of the woodwork" phenomenon in which closeted unhappily married friends who have been pretending to be happily married come of the woodwork and want to talk.
A forty five year old father of four sums it up perfectly:
It's crazy. I thought everyone I knew was happily married. So much so that I hated the idea of being the odd one out almost as much as I hated the idea of divorcing. The response of family and friends was one of my biggest fears. Yes, it's been incredibly difficult. But never in a million years did I expect so many secretly unhappily married people to reach out to me to try to get information about what a separation is really like. I'm like the newly appointed ambassador of a secret society.
Divorce's "out of the woodwork" phenomenon is relevant for a couple of reasons:
My advice? If you are struggling with the question of whether to separate, try to keep your concerns about what others might think to a minimum. Obviously, none of us can operate in total isolation from others, but what matters most is you, your spouse, your children, and what, if anything can possibly be done to save your marriage. If it is not salvageable, people you would never expect are going to come out of the woodwork, applaud your choice, and want to hear all about it. (Some of these people will get on your nerves, others will be comforting.) Some friends and family members will come through for you in ways above and beyond your expectations. Others in your community will not be able to handle the fact that you are divorcing, and they will pull away. This is likely more about them than it is about you. Perhaps your experience brings up memories for them of their own parents' divorce. Or maybe it brings up feelings about the vulnerability of their own marriage. Or maybe they just need some time to adjust. Even if it hurts, it is quite possible that they will come around. If not, it is ultimately worth knowing who your true friends really are.
Elisabeth Joy LaMotte's book, Overcoming Your Parents' Divorce: 5 Steps to a Happy Relationship, was a finalist in the 2008 National Best Book Awards in the Relationship category.
Follow Elisabeth Joy LaMotte, LICSW on Twitter: www.twitter.com/elisjoy
my children are better people because we taught them about honesty. My ex and I NEVER let our differences become theirs. That's the difference. But I can rest my head at night knowing that they know we never lied to them - and that love for them doesn't leave because we chose to realize the truth about our partnership.
I wish and hope for every person anguishing about their unhappiness, that they choose the truth.
Maybe then the Ashley Madison websites of the worlds will not be necessary.
Ugh.
Tight knit - in its very own special way. Wake up people.
So, when your child asks "will you ever stop loving me?", will you say, "not if my desires change"?
We are talking about adults here, not our relationships with our children.
So, lets bring the kids into it for a moment. So its better to fake our children out by lying, cheating and not being honest to be happy. Its ok to put on a show that mommy and daddy are happy based on alll the love they feel in their relationship with each other - but so many choose to lie to their spouse in order to "be happy".
Im not saying everybody feels this way, I am simply directing the opinion to the idea that the article talks about the inner conflict ADULTS feel in their ADULT relationships - and how that MORAL COMPASS plays out in their marriages. Staying together for the kids ... when there is tremendous conflict is toxic. That's better ? Kids aren't stupid - yet we treat them like they are. Lets put on a big show of what love and marriage reeeally is so when they grow up they can be just like us.
One word: WOW.
I believe in legacy, in so far as you can pass down patterns of inauthenticity. We aren't machines for goodness sake - everyone is here to find purpose and meaning. No one has the right to judge anyone else. That is the point. Period.
There would be less intimidation if people didn't shove their moral beliefs down other peoples throats. Then people wouldn't feel ashamed of their feelings.
GET IT? Good for you if your moral compass has you in tact and keeping it real. That's what this whole article is about.
I have two children from the first and one from the second. I wish I set a better example. Marriage is just not sacred anymore. I don't see as many people getting married. Maybe it is just me?
Everyone would be Happier as a result !
Except the Attorney's !
I am very curious if you have ever ever done anything ( behind your ear tossing wifes back) that she might not only toss you out for, but all your clothing would follow. ???
I am all about tight knit and finding that kind of love. Please share more.
It seems that women often have the support of their network of friends. Men only have their business associates, if that.
My marriage was unhealthy for me. But divorce may be fatal. There have been no winners this day.
No, it's about you.
Which...um, means yes, it's about them.
So, for many divorce, like other contractural problems does cost money.
As far as the direction of the country, that has very little to do with divorce.
The fall out of course has been that some of my friends husbands has discouraged their wives friendships with me. Although I am about encouraging my friends to stand in their own power, I would NEVER encourage someone to leave their husband. That is their own decision based on their own experiences and their own lives. Instead I am a sounding board and an alternative way to look at their situation.
This decision is a back and forth one. When my friends are one foot out the door, I become a confidant, when they are back in, I stop getting phone calls. I have accepted this as part of the process and I am always here to help encourage and support whatever decision they make.