Twenty children and six teachers and administrators were slaughtered in a school one state away from me on Friday. Who has words for this? And what does that wordless atrocity possibly have to do with food?
On Friday afternoon, a company executive asked me: "I realize Delish isn't political or current events-oriented, but do you think this situation is blog appropriate for it?" I thought no. Too disconnected. Potentially exploitive; self-serving. "Off brand," as we like to say in corporate dodge speak. How could this unimaginable act of violence against first graders possibly connect to a web site about recipes, cooking, and food news?
So why can't I stop crying and cooking?
Friday night required French fries. My boys, ages 11 and 5, devoured them with a chocolate milkshake, stunned and delighted by the junk-food, vegetable-free festival that greeted them at the end of the day.
"What's the matter mom?" they asked, aghast and thrilled, then segued into a dance party to "Dynamite" and "Call Me Maybe." Have you ever watched an overtired almost-6-year-old child dance, unabashed and uncontrolled? Pop up, spin down, mouth the words, use grand arm gestures, intensely need a drink and snack, then return to the floor fueled by the never-ending ability to jump? He exhausted me, and I was grateful.
Saturday, sleepless and foggy, I was at the grocery store by 6:30am. I'm at home in those aisles, reading labels and pulling together ingredients for meals I cook without instructions. There was much to prepare for the day ahead: Ground beef, pork, and veal for the basis of a Bolognese, which I stirred on low heat for ten hours, along with all the oregano, basil, garlic, bay leaves, top-quality olive oil, and imported canned tomatoes I could carry. The sauce was served atop egg pappardelle with fresh aged Parmesan and parsley, along with wine too good for an ordinary weekend. But before that, for a mid-afternoon pick-me-up, fresh potatoes and onions for latkes (it was the last night of Hanukkah) and five different apples for homemade sauce.
Then there was chicken to roast with Yukon gold potatoes, fennel, shallots, and peppers; yellow rice and black beans steeped in diced jalapeños to be served below an avocado and lime salad; beef marinated in parsley, garlic, balsamic, lemon juice, and rosemary for Kebabs -- I'll grill those tonight. Late on Saturday, while I stirred, chopped, diced, cleaned, and tasted, they read the twenty kids' names. One is the same as my younger son's. I pulled him into the kitchen and gave him ice cream for no reason at all.
Sunday yielded breakfast pancakes, arugula pesto, lasagna made from the deeply infused meat sauce and fresh mozzarella, kale salad pierced with lemon, garlic, olive oil, and Parmesan slivers.
I tasted everything. I ate nothing. I reflected on the stunning acts of violence I had lived alongside of during the last decade plus: Nine months pregnant in Times Square on September 11, shocked yet far from Columbine, untouched by Oklahoma City, scared but oddly immune from the Aurora shootings, then physically overwhelmed by Newtown. Because I have little kids? Because I rush out of the school drop-off to get to the office, or often don't take them to school at all? Because I no longer believe they're safe there?
Do I cook to feel better, I was asked. I cook to stay present. I fed kids' friends down the hall, my older son's guitar teacher, my parents, the neighbors. I cook to have my imprint in the fridge for the week. I cook so I can screw up the salt and dilute it with broth, spew grease on the stove, scrub the pans. I cook because it's real and primal and unedited, affirming and soothing all at once.
My recipes are all in my head; if you want them, post a comment and I'll send them to you. My children, who are so lucky to have been in a right place at a right time, will eat home cooked food all week long, even as they arrive home before I do. Hopefully they will remember the intensity of my flavors along with the confusion they must have experienced watching their mother sob inexplicably in the kitchen for hours.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.