A few weeks ago, I got a random Facebook message from an attractive man I know. I was excited for approximately three seconds before feeling, instead, furious.
Would I go out with this man if he asked me? Yes. Would I go out of my way to ask him out? No. (I'm hibernating, remember?) Do I have time to exchange trivial, mildly amusing flirtations on Facebook? No. Will I do it anyway? Of course.
Hence, the fury: I do not have the time, these days, to indulge such ambiguously flirtations banter: banter that may or may not lead anywhere. (Besides, of course, more mildly amusing, ambiguously flirtatious banter.)
And yet, I cannot help myself. Who, after all, doesn't enjoy flirting? (Many people, I've heard. Many people who have about as much in common with me as that land-walking octopus in the epically boring Youtube video my brother made me watch. Can we agree, not only that the video is unwatchable, but that the thing looks startlingly like a hippo?)
Flirting is fun. Once, I actually caught myself flirting with my cousin. (In my defense: he's my second cousin, or first cousin once removed -- does anyone know the difference? And, obviously, I would never do anything about it.)
And that's just the thing: when you're flirting with your cousin, you don't expect it to lead anywhere. You're just doing it because both of you are flirtatious and drinking martinis and the only other people available to talk to are over eighty and can't hear very well.
But when it's someone with whom there might actually be potential -- when both parties are young and attractive and single, and not, so far as anyone knows, related by blood -- I get annoyed pretty quick. If you intend to ask me out, please: go for it. Man up. But if you're not? Just leave me alone. Stop sending me messages and go look at your ex's vacation photos. In other words: man up, or shut up.
This syndrome comes in varying degrees.
On the extreme end: a friend of mine once had a highly romantic tryst in an obscure Eastern European country, where she was vacationing for a weekend. The guy she was with told her he wanted to have her babies. She started crying.
"Elizabeth!" she moaned to me over Skype. "You just cannot say something like that to a 31-year old woman! I am in the prime of my fertility!"
In other words: of course she wants children. Of course she would want this man, potentially, to be a partner to have them with. But under those circumstances, it clearly wasn't going to happen. She knew he had no intention of following through with those words. How could he say something like that without sincerity? We are fragile creatures! The emotional turbulence simply wasn't worth the flattery.
Less extreme: a guy I've known for a while, a guy who habitually treats women like shit, and to whom, of course, I have long been attracted, recently, drunkenly, felt inclined to profess all the reasons that he and I cannot be together in spite of our (apparently, mutual) attraction.
Same thing: flattered for about a minute before pure anger set in. Why say this to me? What is the point of setting me off on a tear of neurotic emotional confusion? You think I'm hot? Great: let's try and date. You can't handle dating me, for whatever reason? Fine. Keep it to yourself.
Man up, fellas, or just keep your mouths shut.
Follow Elizabeth Tannen on Twitter: www.twitter.com/odysseydater
Debs Wild: Where Are All The Nice Single Men?
I hate to break it to you, Elizabeth, but men are fragile, too.
We don't like rejection anymore than you like flirting that goes nowhere, so where does this leave things?
Well, mostly that men need to understand that rejection is NEVER personal. He's offering apples, she's seeking oranges. There is nothing wrong with his apples, and there is nothing wrong with her seeking oranges. This is simply not a match. There are other fish in the sea.
I have the extreme advantage of being in a non-monogamous marriage to a wonderful woman, so my self-esteem and confidence get a boost every single day. It gives me the rock-solid confidence to "man-up" at in every opportunity (not just dating, but EVERY interaction). I've already been accepted by the woman I love the most, so rejection by someone else means nothing to me.
I'm offering apples, and they're looking for oranges. Or just different apples. Not a big deal.
So you want us to man up?
OK.
Will you go out with me?
Men THINK they have options. They don't. They just don't know any better.
I think I understand your entry now. You are a person who does not understand male emotional misgivings or those who tend to be romantics. You want direct, hard nosed reality. Out to dinner and then home to bed. That is OK. there are a lot of guys who feel the same way or would like to forget dinner.
Then there are those males who are uncomfortable with directness and need to warm up through a feeling of companionship first. There are also fellows who enjoy being romantic for a while or just want to get to know the person they may date. Finally there are the blabbermouths. These guys are either nervous or just can't control what comes out of their mouths. Not everyone can be cold and direct which has the tendency to scare the stuffing out of a lot of guys when it comes to the opposite sex.
Just like women, men come in all capacities of strengths and weaknesses. I happen to know a couple ladies who would have a stroke if they were asked out right to go on a date after meeting or without enough time to "get comfortable" with the person.
It is all the perspections of those involved on both sides. Maybe placing a sign on you that announces you wants would help. That way those of us who like to take time and "warm up" to a new relationship would know to find someone else.
I appreciate it that you responded to my comments. What do I know? Hah! I've been married to the same woman for 41 years. We were introduced as a joke. Our mutual friends thought we were so different that the sparks would fly when we met. They did and still do. :-)
My Regards,
Bill
We really need to stop taking these little girls seriously. Advice from actual grown women would be refreshing.
No you reject that as well.
Face it, ed, the only thing you want to hear from anyone is "you're right, ed."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/men-who-emaintain-women-t_b_1016496.html
It's astonishing to me how so many women commenting think they want equal rights, but are happy reinforcing the traditional male archetypes when it seems to suit them. They call this hypocrisy.