Why can't a city with so much hometown talent find any to deliver its news? Even the Valley's porn industry gets more respect than LA's journalists, and for good reason. From Elita Loresca, a meteorologist who should be a cautionary tale for any diminutive woman considering double F implants, to Chuck Henry, who cried on camera when a wildfire got too close to his news van, to John Cadiz Klemack, whose name alone makes me want to punch a stranger in the face, we're home to the most embarrassing local news teams since Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone. We're the second-largest news market in the country -- why are we starting our workdays with cracked-out sorority girls and rapey-eyed sports anchors?
I have a fix. LA boasts thousands of actors in between gigs, reality show fame-whores and celebrity screw-ups, many of whom would make wonderful additions to our newsrooms! To that end, I present my fantasy news team: