THE BLOG
12/14/2012 01:17 pm ET Updated Feb 13, 2013

The 12 Days of Christmas, Menopause-style

Since the holiday season means getting together and partying with friends and family who may be going through "the change" (*cringe*) themselves, I thought it would be fun to reinvent the Twelve Days of Christmas. Who needs a partridge in a pear tree, two turtledoves, or five golden rings? Well, maybe that last one...

What I'm offering you is The Twelve Days of Christmas, Menopause-style. Use this as a tool to share with friends, while you both stand barefoot in the snow, trying to cool off while simultaneously hoping that your twenty-something neighbor doesn't catch you. Laughter might be your best defense against the possibility of such encounters as the line-budger, the road-rager, the last-20-pound-turkey-grabber or your husband who is annoyingly as crisp and cool as a cucumber, despite the fact he was just cutting firewood...

*Ahem!*

  1. On the first day of Christmas, my true love (some might say vodka, but whatever) gave to me: a special pad in which I could pee...
  2. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  3. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  4. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  5. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  6. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  7. On the seventh day of day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  8. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  9. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  10. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: ten pairs of earplugs, nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  11. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eleven pills for sleeping, ten pairs of earplugs, nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...
  12. On the twelve day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: twelve aphrodisiacs, eleven pills for sleeping, ten pairs of earplugs, nine pairs of Spanx, eight bottles of hormones, seven bars of chocolate, six tubes of lube, five pairs of tweezers... four memo pads, three big fans, two ice packs and a special pad in which I could pee...

*Whew!*

Happy holidays, everyone! How many more verses can YOU come up with?

Remember: Reaching out is IN! Suffering in silence is OUT!

About Ellen Dolgen

Ellen Dolgen is a Health and Wellness Advocate, Menopause Awareness Expert, Author, Speaker and health blogger.

Ellen is the author of Shmirshky: The Pursuit of Hormone Happiness -- a cut-to-the-chase book on perimenopause and menopause that's filled with crucial information, helpful guides and hilarious and heartfelt stories. Known for her humor, compassion and sassy personality, Ellen has appeared on numerous television and radio broadcasts, including: The Rachael Ray Show, The Doctors, Oprah Radio, Playboy Radio, "Tell Me More" on NPR, Doctor Radio and dozens of other regional and national media outlets. Ellen is a frequent guest on the popular radio show, "Broadminded," on Sirius XM Radio (Stars XM 107) and is a regular contributor on Huff/Post 50 along with blogging for many leading women's health sites. Ellen has dedicated herself to women's wellness through a wide breadth of activities ranging from being a founding board member of the UCSD Student Wellness Center, working with pharmaceutical companies in helping them to effectively address women's health needs, serving on hospital advisory boards and advocating for cardiovascular health.

Ellen's motto is: Reaching out is IN! Suffering in silence is OUT!

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