A Letter to John McCain from the Office of God

(NOTE: Once again, a sequence of words has appeared in my mind seemingly of their own accord, prompting me to conclude that, for second time, I have been selected by God (or, in this case, His assistant) to convey a message to someone here on Earth. I reproduce them below. E.W.)

Dear Senator McCain:

If it please you, the Lord (From Whom All Blessings Flow) conveys His most divine and sincere apology for not writing you Himself. He (Than Whom There is No Other God) is presently occupied with composing a Writ of Holy Judgment for Mr. George W. Bush, and is finding the task of adequately summing up the past eight terrestrial years to be, as He (To Whom All Praise is Due) puts it, "a challenge even unto My abilities, resources, and omniscience."

As someone who has attempted to distance himself from the actions and positions of Mr. Bush, yea, even after two terms of all-but-complete fealty to his program and projects, you can, I am sure, appreciate the Lord's dilemma. There is scarcely an aspect of American life, from the most purely abstract (such as the definition of words such as "torture" and "science") to the most fundamentally concrete (the prosecution of war) that has not been directly influenced and affected by Mr. Bush and his administration. No wonder God (Blessed be He and Blessed be His Name) has His Right-Hand, as well as His Left-Hand, full.

Therefore He has asked me to "drop you a line" detailing some of the topics He intends to discuss with you after November 4, including certain aspects of your recent behavior that have deeply disturbed and concerned Him.

As others (such as, for example, Mr. Ellis Weiner, of whose mind and computer I have taken the liberty of availing myself for this communication) have said more eloquently than I, you have, over the past year, systematically rejected, betrayed, and turned your back upon every single principle for which you so famously and admirably stood during the past decade. An incomplete list of these violations would, alas, include the facts that:

- Having experienced torture firsthand and announced your opposition to its use, you nonetheless supported the Military Commissions Act, which granted the President the right and ability to decide, on his own, which of the Geneva Accords did and did not apply to the U.S. This, as you were well aware, tacitly enabled the C.I.A. to conduct "waterboarding" and God (BBHABBHN)-knows-what other torturous interrogation techniques.

- Having undergone the scurrilous smearing of yourself and your family during a previous election, you hired the very people who traduced you in order to visit the same treatment--which you previously denounced and deplored--upon your opponent.

- Having (properly) condemned right-wing religious blowhards and bigots, you came to court them openly and praise them unto their (vile, deceitful) face.

- Having said, over and over, that your "first criteria" for selecting a Vice-President was that he or she be able to "take your place" immediately as President, you then chose someone who a) cannot accurately define even what it is that a Vice-President does, b) believes that living "next door" to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, c) openly mocks intelligence and accomplishment as "elitist" and d) apparently imagines that we are currently at war with Iran.

You are, I am informed by the Supreme Authority Himself, not responsible for the things Sarah Palin says. Is not, in this respect, His mercy a thing of everlasting beauty? But you are, He bids me remind you, responsible for having chosen her, and defended her nonsensical utterances, and asserted that she "knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America."

I myself can attest that, at this and similar absurd statements, the angels weep. (Most of them. The cherubim and the seraphim find this woman, and your defense of her, quite risible and laugh almost without cease.)

Meanwhile, the topic of Sarah Palin and the ultimate disposition of her soul remains, to the deep regret of God Himself (Glory unto Him in the Highest), unresolved. While He (in His Inexpressible Perfection) has communicated with her in this very forum, nonetheless He has, for reasons which surpasseth understanding, not heard back from her. Perhaps she believes she has once again been "punked." To equate the jest of two Canadian wise-guys with the edict of the Almighty--O wicked daughter of Eve! But I exceed my authority here and will say no more on this matter.)

As noted above, the Lord (may His Name be Exalted and Blessed Forever and Ever) will make Himself available unto you as of or shortly after November 5, at which time He will be able to expand upon and render in greater detail His thoughts concerning the above-mentioned issues. There is no need to pray for an appointment. He will find you.

Finally, in closing, permit me to say that God (Who shall Reign Forever and Ever) and I managed to see your performance on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. You, if I may so express myself, "killed."

Yours truly,

Uriel (Arch.)

Cc God
Jesus Christ

Cross-posted at What HE Said

Comments

[demo-bane1]

Other that being a Malaysian Citizen, what foriegn experience does obama have? Oh yeah, the trip to Pakistan. Why in the world would an American want to go there?

[kareemachan]

Well, seeing as how the state of Hawaii has a birth certificate for Obama AND his mother was American, I think that makes him American. Period. Living in a country or having a step-father of that country does not a citizen of that country make.

[demo-bane1]

When she married him, she (and her minor son) became Malay Citizens, just the same as if someone married an American Citizen and moved here.

[demo-bane1]

PS- Malaysia doesn't allow duel Citezenship.

[donnay]

This blog was brilliant. I am still wiping the tears from my eyes.

[aussiegal77]

OH MY. This. um. ROCKED.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA

If God would favor us with His ACTUAL thoughts on Sarah Palin and John McCain - I imagine it would be basically this whole post.

LOVE IT!!!!

P.S. God's mercy IS great and never ending. Even unto John McCain. Because He is way more patient and forgiving than I am =)

[EdgedInBlue]

And verily, I say unto you, AhhhhhhhAh­hhhAHHHHHm­en!

[lovingpolitics]

This is too weird!!!!

[knowBuddhaU]

O Divinity, with whom we all share Being aware of this, our shared Becoming, I bow to you in no particular direction (hold the line, k? I'm north of Seattle and Ethereal Net traffic is heavy today).

[makemarc]

God Blesseth Ellith.

[YB]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[cantbehavingwiththis]

I shouldn't find that as funny as I do.

[JD2774]

Good one!

[robiform]

My dad sent me this joke several months ago (he's 84 years old, and e-mailing forwarded jokes is his sole computer skill!). It's still amusing!

[CompetenceMatters]

Thanks, just what I needed right about now!

So I guess McPalin's clocks must have been adapted into the Heavenly Spinning Wheels, huh?

[SeniorTour]

That was a fun read. The BBBNNNNEENB one got me for a minute, but just added to the cleverness of this post. Thanks so much.

[NationalTreasure]

McCain is responsible for injecting Sarah Palin into our political zeitgeist.