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Everything Newt Is Old Again

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He'd been running for ONE DAY, and already with the whining.

Yes, the electrons displaying Newt "I'm The GOP Visionary, If You Can Believe It" Gingrich's Tweet announcing his comic-relief candidacy for prez were still warm, and already the self-parodying Supremo of Do As I Say, Not As I Do was complaining:

President Obama, Gingrich told Fox News' Sean Hannity Wednesday evening, "can't afford to run in a fair election. If he was on an equal playing field, he'd lose."

Why? Oh, stop. STFU, America. You know why.

Obama, the Republican candidate said, however, has the advantages of the presidency, support from the "left-wing media," and the backing of labor unions and billionaires like George Soros.

Gingrich, who formally announced his run Wednesday online, said he is not expecting much help from the press. "If you are a conservative, you have to start with an assumption that you're not going to get an even break from the elite media," he said.

Innat, as the Newster himself likes to say, "sad"? That in colloquy with tough-as-nails, no-holds-barred, asks-the-hard-questions Sean Hannity, Newt got so feshtoodled (disoriented, confused) that he forgot how, if you are a conservative, you also have to start with the assumption that a) hardly anybody reads or watches "the elite media" (that's what makes them "elite"); b) you'll have an entire tv and radio network openly and covertly promoting you under the phony guise of "news," and -- if you act now! -- c) you'll have the Citizens United decision to enable corporations to charter over one million dump trucks to drive unlimited and barely-documented loads of campaign cash directly to your home or office.

There will be more of this -- dog whistles ("left-wing media," "labor unions"), cat whistles ("elite"), self-pity disguised as principled indignation, dimestore -- sorry; K-mart -- demagoguery, and the display of industrial-strength gall as the serial-adulterer seeks to claim and discourse from the moral high ground. That's why we love the poor bastard. Trump may be a cartoon blusterer, Sarah Palin a sitcom nosy 'n' sassy-neighbor-next-door, Mitt a replicant who thinks he's a real human, Ron Paul the kindly/crackpot dad from a YA series, and Huckabee the host of a Sunday morning Bible story show for kids (of all ages!), but there's only one Gingrich.

Still, Newt. Soros? That's so 2004. Considering how good you are at trading in old wives for the newest models (and then blaming it all on your patriotism), can't you modernize your bitching and upgrade your moaning? Hey, here's an idea: blame Google. For everything. They even sound like a scary child's monster. Your constituents will buy it retail.

Cross-posted at the new, improved www.ellisweiner.com