I almost gave up online dating. I'd unintentionally disappeared myself from multiple sites soon after I turned 70. Recently, playing with a dating app while waiting in a long queue, I saw a long-time friend's face. With surprised laughter, I reversed my left-swiping thumb, immediately messaging and intending to share the laugh. He didn't write back.
Over dinner, some days later, he spoke of never receiving my message and why. He deletes all before reading them. He went on to say he had accepted the fulfilling single life he was experiencing. It was a good life and he'd given up on finding a romantic partner. Later, I asked myself if this was also true for me. While I had never come to an actual decision, my behavior might be speaking for itself.
My year blogging of online dating had transformed into the joy of being a first time grandparent. I had stopped answering messages or initiating more with those I had dated. I noted my extreme lack of interest beyond the covert glances at matches while waiting in lines.
Did I no longer care about engaging in the pursuit of a romantic relationship or was I just in the habit of no longer looking online? Not knowing, I dusted myself off and went back. This time I ventured, on an intuitive impulse, to the first site I'd signed up for OKCupid. It being a bit of a dinosaur compared to Bumble, CoffeeMeetsBagel or other apps, I hadn't visited it in years. I stayed only long enough to upload a new photo of myself taken the night before, sitting on a flowered throne being honored for my peace education program for young children.
By the next morning I was notified of a swarm of inbox messages. My photo, which I had been overly critical of, brought effusive compliments and requests for getting to know me, both literally and in the biblical sense. My self-judgment shifted slightly with the glowing adjectives. Could I still be alluring? If I'd followed my old pattern of instantly rejecting most of those who messaged, I'd not have discovered the possible key to why men disappear online.
As an online dater with a new attitude, I would respond to all that messaged. No matter their age (these were from 24-61 years) or how far away they lived (Utah, AZ, UK) or how mismatched we first appeared (one man was a 0% match), I'd write back. Not the long, clever emails that would reveal who I was therefore attracting a better match but, only answers to their questions and closing with one of my own.
I would keep pace with their messages. A hi received was a hi sent. No over-giving for me, as many women seem biologically inclined to do; and no pursuing avoidant attachment style men. I would respond as if standing in line for coffee and engaging the person next to me (if you both forgot your smart phones that day and were actually looking up).
By Day 3, I'm communicating with more men than I'm able to hold even casual conversations with and thinking of how to disengage with respect. I admit to just wanting to disappear; to drop my end of the conversation. Remembering the laments of my women friends about men doing just that and how puzzling that was, I will not take the easy way out.
We know from the research of Dr. Amir Levine and others that 70% of the men online do not have secure attachment styles yet we often take it personally. We wonder what we did or didn't do or what we could do better next time to keep fired up what we thought was a mutual connection. We want to understand why men disappear, most likely so we can try and fix it.
From my three days back online, disappearing may be as simple as, with so many choices, it's just too hard to juggle multiple conversations and still have a life. Men may be finding it hard to keep up with the sheer volume of women hoping to get to know or bed them. At first it's easy to contain the interactions but, quickly they begin to spill over occupying more space in our lives.
On Day 4 I've gone back and thanked those who messaged, truthfully writing of being overwhelmed and wishing them luck. I had intended to write something back to everyone who messaged. Now I allow myself to ignore hello dear, good mornings and how is your day going messages. Likely they have sent the same message to many and are playing the odds.
Day 5, I'm now down to two men who I would like to engage further. Getting to know two people seems doable, or so I say now. One is calling tonight. I'm excited. At this moment of going back online with a new perspective, I am very glad I did not give up.