Why are women competitive with each other? Evolutionary psychology says that it's to protect their wombs from physical harm, while feminist psychology claims it's because they've internalized the patriarchy. A writer in the Times this past weekend posited a different explanation: "We aren't competing with other women, ultimately, but with ourselves -- with how we think of ourselves. For many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter, something more. We don't see the other woman at all." In other words, it's not you, it's me.
One thing that pretty much everyone can agree on, however (okay, except for maybe the evolutionary psychologists, who never agree with anyone) is that female competition is an ugly thing. So here are ten ways to be a better, less competitive, less undermining friend to the fellow females in your life:
1. Don't Make Fun of Vocal Fry
Or any other stereotypically "girly" ways of talking, like up-speak or saying "like" a lot. It encourages a culture where it's okay to make women feel bad about themselves.
2. Don't Fish for Compliments About Your Body
Because when you force another woman to say something nice about your body -- even if you're having a bad body image day -- what's really happening is that that woman is comparing herself to you. And, even if she's Cindy Crawford, she'll find a way to make a negative comparison and end up feeling bad about herself.
3. Never Fight Over a Guy
Don't make fun of another woman, or dis another woman, to impress a guy. And don't try to out-dress another woman, or out-flirt another woman. It's never worth it in the end.
4. Don't Google His Ex
And don't bad-talk her, either. It's just bad female karma.
5. Don't Primp in Front of Your Friends
As with fishing for compliments, this is just one more way to draw attention to your face or body, and no doubt your friends are convinced you have a nicer body and face than they do (even if you happen to think the exact opposite).
6. Don't Mock Female Insecurity
You've seen those women at parties who roll their eyes at other women who are trying too hard or wearing something too tight to gain attention or giggling too much or making a fool of themselves in an attempt to impress a guy. That doesn't set you apart as a powerful, independent woman -- it makes you a mean girl.
7. Don't Try to Be a "Guy's Girl"
It's tempting to want to run away from female competitiveness and cattiness and just be friends with guys. But really, this is just a subtle way to denigrate women. If you don't like female friendship, then change it!
8. Don't Be Faux Humble
Don't pretend that you feel bad about your body just to make your friend feel better about her weight gain. This doesn't count as empathy, it's just one more way to subtly compare and contrast yourself with your "friend."
9. Be a Good Secret Keeper
The best way to change female friendship is to be a good friend. Be kind Be a good listener. And never ever break someone's trust just to make a guy laugh.
10. Walk in Her Shoes
Not literally. Because that's gross and may also make your friend feel bad about her hammer toe. No, we mean, if you catch another woman being competitive, don't respond in kind. Remind yourself that it's not about you -- she's probably just using you as a warped mirror and feeling bad about herself. Take a deep breath and be the bigger person.
As Emily Gordon writes in the same article: "We don't need to lower the stock of other women, either for the future of the species or for our own psyches. When we each focus on being the dominant force in our own universe, rather than invading other universes, we all win." So let's be winners, ladies!
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.