iPhone app iPad app Android phone app Android tablet app More

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors
Emilie Townes

GET UPDATES FROM Emilie Townes
 

Gay Marriage and Religion: What Marriage Means to Me

Posted: 06/22/2012 2:39 am

Recently married in the state of Connecticut, my partner and I spent hours with family, friends, clergy, and liturgical experts crafting a service that would express out commitment to one another and also be a holyspace of joy and celebration. We combined our cultures -- Black and White -- in a service of welcome to those gathered to the world we are committed to cherishing and growing as a space of Spirit and justice wrapped in love and passion. Our service, without our thinking about it consciously, did not look like a traditional wedding service. Yes, we had some of the traditional elements, but we wanted to invite those gathered into our understanding of the sacred, our values, our hopes, our sense of how justice can and must have loving and celebratory leaning. And although both of us were surprised, to varying extents, to find that the relationship we seek to acknowledge we are building is that of marriage, we could find no other name for it so we have set out to live into our vows and vision for ourselves. We are both clear that we do not to conform to the standard text of marriage, but we want to find ways to breath new air and life into what it means to be married not only by the state, but even more so in the eyes of the Holy Spirit; to be committed for a life time; and to grow old and be those kind of old ladies that we so admired when we were children -- truth tellers, wise, independent, but fiercely engaged in the communities they were a part of.

Folks approach gay marriage from a variety of perspectives -- moral, theological, social, political. As a Christian social ethicist with womanist leanings, I am clear that the Bible says precious little about same sex relationships, though it appears to have a bit more to say about acts but even that is muddled. I am also clear that although God judges our acts, God does so out of love and mercy and would much rather spend holy time applauding our attempts at humanity than smiting our behavior. The acceptance of gay marriage (even gays who do not believe in marriage) was evident at our ceremony -- both of our families, a variety of racial ethnic groups and nationalities, differing sexualities, same sex couples who are married -- some with children, others not, children, traditional nuclear families, the list went on and on. The sanctuary and the dinner and dancing that followed was one of joy and celebration -- not so much for us as a same-sex couple, but because of our love for one another and trying to share that with others. Politically, it is disheartening to see out love, care, compassion and commitment to one another be made into a political football by the right and the left. The bottom line for me is not "gay marriage" but "marriage." When folks, whoever they may be, find that the only word that expresses the commitment they make to one another is marriage -- we should celebrate this and give them all the support we can for it is no small thing to live out vows that are marked by "forever."

Yes, there is so much more to it when two people make a life long commitment to love each other and stand by one another. It takes attention, care, respect, and a willingness to make mistakes and atone for them. As we have, many times now, remembered parts of our wedding ceremony and the days before it as family gathered around us and the days after it as family and friends began to leave; one of the many emotions I carry with me about my marriage ceremony and the marriage we arebuilding as two people who are also lesbians in a mixed race couple is joy. Joy filled the sanctuary, the space of dinner and dancing, our home we are building together, and it now fills the dailyness of our lives.

 
FOLLOW RELIGION
Recently married in the state of Connecticut, my partner and I spent hours with family, friends, clergy, and liturgical experts crafting a service that would express out commitment to one another and ...
Recently married in the state of Connecticut, my partner and I spent hours with family, friends, clergy, and liturgical experts crafting a service that would express out commitment to one another and ...
 
 
  • Comments
  • 52
  • Pending Comments
  • 0
  • View FAQ
Comments are closed for this entry
View All
Favorites
Bloggers
Recency  | 
Popularity
Page: 1 2  Next ›  Last »  (2 total)
05:28 PM on 07/30/2012
emilie, i share my joy for and with you.
12:17 AM on 07/27/2012
Ah Mrs Townes, a brilliant mind....................................that has entered into reprobation. But may your sexual desires, loneliness, and pride be met as you seek promotion and status in this world. You were my hero.
05:27 PM on 07/30/2012
Perhaps it is you who projects upon Dr. Townes your own loneliness and pride. (We all have sexual desires, unless you also deny this aspect of the human condition.) Dr. Townes remains righteous before us as she points all of us to new revelations of God's unfolding love. I doubt Dr. Townes regrets losing you as her "hero." She cares much more deeply about love and its ensuing social justice than ever being worshipped as a hero by anyone.
03:43 PM on 07/09/2012
Dr. Townes, I do not know if you remember me, I am a 1998 graduate of Saint Paul School of Theology. I am working on my sermon for this coming Sunday, "Marriage is about Love not Gender" and came upon your blog and sharing here! Thank you for sharing this part of your journey! The joy I hear in your words gives me continued hope that one day we will be celebrating Marriage, Love, and Joy with all those who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Peace and Light for your Journey!!
Rev. Kent H. Little, senior minister College Hill UMC Wichita, Kansas.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Charlie Sitzes
09:09 AM on 06/25/2012
"we want to find ways to breath new air and life into what it means to be married not only by the state, but even more so in the eyes of the Holy Spirit."

You can do all the things you dream of even if it turns out there really is no "Holy Spirit."
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
CMR64
u hurt my feeling
06:04 AM on 06/25/2012
congrats on your marriage ...
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
03:01 AM on 06/25/2012
In my view, each individual should be able to choose their own personal path in life. As a non-believer, I make no moral judgments on who someone chooses to share their life. Out of curousity though, I do have a question.

Since the bible thumpers are strong in numbers and are going to fight gay marriage or same-sex unions --- by whatever name -- for a long time to come, and, in doing so, delay national recognition of the equality of those same-sex unions, and

Since other words in the English language (supposedly) have "equal" but gender-specific meaning (he, she; him, her; man, woman) and

As long as the words meaning a union between two people were backed up with laws guaranteeing EQUAL rights for the two kinds of unions,

Would it be acceptable to the gay community to the use the terms:
"marriage" as a union between a man and a woman; and
"marriaje" between any two people of the same gender?

or some other term w/EQUAL right under law?
06:41 AM on 06/25/2012
Because that's not equality. It implicitly treats gay people as second class citizens. We wouldn't accept different terms for black and white people. If it was proposed that white people got a "marriage" and black people got a "marriaje" as a concession, I doubt that idea would be seen as anything other than unnecessary and racist.
03:52 PM on 06/25/2012
Perhaps if "civil" unions hadn't been specifically desgined to be UN-equal, you might have a point.

But, as things stand now, your 'proposal' re: "marriaje" is more like a 'mirage'.

What would be the purpose of dreaming up a separate institution that, in efffect, provides exactly the same thing ("guaranteeing EQUAL rights") that what we have now - marriage - already provides???

What a waste of the Legislatures that would be.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sistagirl Young
11:39 PM on 06/24/2012
"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" John 8:7. Life.
03:53 PM on 06/25/2012
If the word "sin" appeared in the Constitution, the anti-'sin' crowd might have a point.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sistagirl Young
09:54 AM on 06/26/2012
Hello truth be told again; Constitution, smonshstitution. "Man" talking out the side of his neck. "Man" wrote them for his purpose. "Man breaks them for his purpose. But "GOD's" law never conflicts with man's law. I find it rather curious that "man" can't say the same thing. Thank you for writing. Life.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sistagirl Young
09:43 AM on 06/28/2012
Hello truth be told again; Do you "honestly" believe the Constitution was written with people of color in mind? The "Constitution" is a sin before GOD and man. Well, not the white man. But that's 'cause  "he" wrote it that way. Life.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
LARRY LOU CHRISTIAN
04:22 AM on 06/28/2012
TO: Sistagirl Young

A very good observation but you did not follow through in the context of Jesus’ mission.

He also said, ““Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Voicing her humble pleading for mercy and her belief in Him as the Savior of sinners, Jesus spoke His words of absolution. Neither would He condemn her, although He, the Sinless One, might well have done so; not the death, but the life of sinners, was the object of Christ's work. But He adds an emphatic warning that she should go, and leave her life of sin. Those who sin after receiving the grace of the Savior, that willfully and deliberately persist in spurning the merciful love of the Redeemer of which He once became the partaker, has only himself to blame for the eternal consequences.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sistagirl Young
08:29 AM on 06/28/2012
Hello LOU CHRISTIAN; You are so very right in all you said. To HIM be the glory. While I am not sure what specific article I was referencing...that was "my" point. We are in no way, shape, or form, "worthy" to judge anyone. The LORD said it best. But then HE always does. Thank you for the confirmation. May HIS peace and grace be unto you. Life.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Morcat
10:15 PM on 06/24/2012
Blessings on your marriage. I know a lot of same sex couples in long term, very committed relationships and marriages. Wouldn't it be interesting to see how many so-called "straight" couples would stay together if they faced the blatant hatred and scorn expressed below. Not many have suffered and sacrificed for their relationships like same-sex couples do. Maybe you will eventually save marriage from the serially polygamous world of "straight" marriage. Congratulations.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
02:12 PM on 06/24/2012
You are God. That's why God usually seems to align with what you're thinking. Sometimes s/he doesn't, because of what others have manipulated you to think of God's views, as well as people sometimes being more able to grow all of themselves except the part where God resides. That part gets special treatment.

God is just a concept. You're in charge of your mind. Please realize this, and we can all focus on the world we live in now, and forget about the world our many thousands of year old dead ancestors lived in.
01:32 PM on 06/24/2012
In sorrow I speak these words. The Holy Spirit is not in the midst of an unholy union. You will never be able to justify sin in the name of "love". Seek the truth.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sjoerd W
Always look for common ground.
03:31 PM on 06/24/2012
ENOUGH WITH THE SERMONS! Day after day I have to read people pretending their bigotry is not their opinion, it's not their choice. Oh no it's a god who says it. Funny how some people manage to find tolerance in the Bible, and other people hate. You know why? Hmmm??

It's because scripture is weapon and shield. And you can use it to do good, or to hurt. And frankly, lazy and narrow-minded people like you only know how to wield it for the latter purpose.

For ONE second, forget scripture. forget what some rich, well-fed priest told you and think. THINK!! If a god created us, if a god loves us. Would he not wish for us to be happy, to treat each other as we would wish to be treated? Or would he want you to kill all that do not agree with us? Because it's the latter, well... We might as well blow up the planet and call it a day.

Forget sin. Forget unholiness. BE HUMAN for ONE SECOND!
photo
JDuck
Until we know the equal we'll never feel the free.
04:06 PM on 06/24/2012
He cant be human for one second; being born human is a sin and his god hates that.
04:17 PM on 06/24/2012
Wouldnt you rather be hurt w/the truth, than comforted by lies?
photo
JDuck
Until we know the equal we'll never feel the free.
04:06 PM on 06/24/2012
"In sorrow I speak these words."

I suspect you are lying; I believe you delight in gossiping about others; 'sin' behind their backs.

Besides, others lives are none of your business.
01:21 PM on 06/24/2012
Emilie:

Acts 5:3-4 But Peter said, Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit, and to keep back part of the price of the land? While it remained, was it not your own? and after it was sold, was it not in your own power? why have you conceived this thing in your heart? you have not lied unto men, but unto God.
03:58 PM on 06/25/2012
I'll see your Acts 5:3, and RAISE you a Barbara 7:11, an Irving 3:16, and a Tosh 2.0.

America is NOT a theocracy. And you judgemental Christianists just seem to hate that.
10:26 AM on 06/24/2012
Yes, it is clear that you and your partner do not want to "conform to the standard text of marriage", and that you do want to "find ways to breath new air and life into what it means to me married not only by the state, but even more so in the eyes of the Holy Spirit."

Some states allow it, but your attempts with the Holy Spirit will certainly fall on deaf ears.
photo
JDuck
Until we know the equal we'll never feel the free.
12:49 PM on 06/24/2012
You do know that marriage up until recently was not nessecarily for love?

Before and after the turn of the 2000 century marriage was mainly to secure and maintain propertry, prestige and to produce heirs. Men were to be the bread winners leaving the wife souly responsible for raising children. Many had seperate bedchambers since the husband was often away and the wife busy pregnant, nursing and rearing children. In fact it was quite common and expected for married couples to have lovers and mistresses. Very often bastard children were produced yet they were not usually acknowledged as legitimate heirs, leaving them and their parent to fend for themselves. Orphanages were usualy filled with these bastard offspring. Yet the Church and society was quite okay with this arrangement for that is how society functioned. They just never completely openly admited it.

Compared to that, quite frankly I think god would approve on a geniune loving married couple regardless of gender.
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Charlie Sitzes
10:24 AM on 06/25/2012
" Very often bastard children were produced yet they were not usually acknowledged as legitimate heirs."

Yep.

And various popes produced a lot of those bastard children.
This comment has been removed due to violations of our [Guidelines]
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
photo
12:34 PM on 06/22/2012
Congratulations on your marriage. Congratulations on your courage to seek out and obtain that which is freely given to others. Blessings for a long and joyous life together.
I know you are painfully aware there is so much more at stake than the word"marriage". There is an almost criminal lack in legal rights for the gay couple when it comes to medical, legal, child and financial matters. Without full legal rights a gay couple stands to lose their home, children and financial security if a catastrophic event happens. As a hospice provider I saw committed, long term partners lose everything they had worked and saved for when their partner died of AIDS because the law favors extended family. In one case, the family who got the house, car and even the dog- hadn't spoken to the deceased in 15 years because they disowned him when he came out!
Rights are being violated, families and lives destroyed and it horrifies me that we stand by and let it happen in the name of religion.
Just my opinion.
This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program
photo
11:36 AM on 06/24/2012
fanned
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Sjoerd W
Always look for common ground.
03:19 PM on 06/24/2012
You are not alone in this opinion. Basically granting anything less than a straight partner would get is to demean the love of a same-sex couple. To devalue their commitment. It is indeed no less than criminal to grant all material a deceased person leaves to those who have rejected him for who he was, and to leave the person who cared most about him, for who he was, in ruins.
Same-sex marriage is not just a right. It acknowledges the love and commitment of two people, regardless of sex.
photo
HUFFPOST BLOGGER
RitaBrock
Theologian, Educator, Activist
11:48 AM on 06/22/2012
Emilie, Congratulations to you and Laurel! I wish you all the very best as you move through your lives together.

As to the silence on gay marriage in the Bible, this is true, but I think both Jesus and Paul support marriage equality, which makes gender irrelevant and love the point. Here's my unpacking of their positions:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rita-nakashima-brock-ph-d/judge-walker-and-the-bibl_b_682595.html
photo
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Charlie Sitzes
10:47 AM on 06/25/2012
"I think both Jesus and Paul support marriage equality."

For someone who claims to be a theologian and educator and not see that Paul was not a misogynistic character defies reality.