Dear Recent/Non-Recent Divorcees,
Divorce is one of the most destructive, emotionally traumatic experiences a human being can go through, no matter if you're the instigator or the recipient. It's hard, and it hurts, and it takes a long time to feel normal again.
But if no one's told you this before, please hear me: You are not broken.
I don't mean to imply that everyone feels broken at the end of a marriage, certainly not, but people do. And to you, I say it again- you are not broken, you are not "damaged goods", you are merely a human being who was in a relationship that ended.
In my professional and personal life, when I meet people who feel broken after a divorce, they can usually be divided into two categories: those who truly believe there's something wrong with them, and those that are using their status as armor. You can argue that both types of people truly feel there's something wrong with them, but they manifest in different ways. I call those ways Inward and Outward.
Inward
Some divorcees turn their pain inward. They brood, and they grieve for a long time, always wondering if they could have done something differently to keep this from happening. They make every problem in their relationship into something they could have prevented. They are terrified to try dating again because they wonder how they'll ever be able to keep from ruining another relationship. Plus they're so busy constantly going over the events of their divorce in their heads, looking for new clues, that they don't have time to think of anything else.
To you I say that it takes two to make a divorce. Every single time, even if one person betrayed the other. I am a big believer in sifting through the rubble, taking ownership of how you contributed to the crash, and getting rid of the rest. Examine the pieces that belong to you and learn lessons from them, and then move on, confident with your new knowledge. If you're an Inward, you need to go through this process, and it's best to do it with a therapist. Mourn your relationship, but your mourning should not turn into a full time job. It's a long temp gig, and it'll taper off over time. You made mistakes. So did your ex. But one relationship failing doesn't meant that every relationship will fail.
Outward
Other divorcees turn their pain outward, or at least so it faces outward. They make their status into a suit of armor that they wear to protect them, and they aren't afraid to tell you that they're divorced. In fact, they can seem oddly proud. The failure of a past relationship becomes their excuse to not form new relationships, and if you'll pardon the overused expression, becomes their baggage. When someone is interested in dating them, they hold up the bags in their hands and go "Sorry, too much stuff to carry already." They may even romanticize how "unloveable" they are, secretly relieved that they don't have to make themselves vulnerable again. A breakup in the past should never be the reason that a relationship in the present doesn't work.
To you Outward folk out there, I say to you: it's time to put down the damned bags. Put them down, unpack them, go through the stuff in there to figure out why it's easier for you to cling to a past failure than to move onto a future full of opportunities (again, here's where a therapist would be helpful), and move on, lighter. No more armor, no more excuses, just a person who has had life experiences- some positive, some negative- and who isn't afraid to get back to living.
You're not a victim of your divorce. What you decide to do with yourself and your personal life after your marriage ends is your decision, and completely under your control. After so many things may have happened in your marriage that felt beyond you, let that information comfort you. This is your ship, you're driving it. The fact that you're divorced should never be your defining characteristic- that's doing you a disservice. Grieve, mourn, be a mess for a while, and then learn your lessons and move on. You have a lot of life left.
Let me say it again: You're divorced, not broken. Let's never equate the two.
Follow Emily V. Gordon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thegynomite
I disagree.
For the vast majority of men, their children are the most important thing in their lives.
Women initiate divorce 3 out of 4 times. They get the children (plus home, alimony and child support) 84% of the time and often practice gate-keeping against the fathers. Men receive custody of the children in only 8% of all cases (2007 US Census)
Most divorced men get to see their children four days a month, and maybe for a weekly Wednesday night dinner - if their ex-wives are agreeable.
Most men are victims of the divorce industry and it is not surprising so many commit suicide, or become depressed, or lead lives of quiet desperation.
Women initiate 3 out of 4 divorces. They get the children, alimony, child support and family home. They often gate-keep, making it difficult for the father to see his children.
From the sounds of it, you married a lemon (so did I) however, your antidote is ONE male, I stand by my statement that the MAJORITY of men value their children.
It takes one to end a marriage, to make a divorce. PLEASE stop perpetuating this falsehood.
I do feel like a victim of divorce. Ex leaves, joint custody forces me to live near ex, ex violates divorce agreement over and over and over and I can't get ex to comply without spending $300 to $400 an hour on an attorney.
It sucks. I make the best of it. But PLEASE stop sugarcoating it.
If there are children of the marriage, and you want your children to have a meaningful relationship with you, there is no "divorce".
If there is alimony/maintenance that you must pay, there is no "divorce".
And if you have to pay a divorce lawyer, you are going to be funding the college education of his or her children rather than your own children.
It is ugly.
In my opinion, my (fired) divorce lawyer was delivering less than zero value -- there was negative value, actual harm to me and my case.
A divorce lawyer who doesn't care about you one iota (except the fees you pay) will sell you out -- probably will insult you behind your back -- and try to convince you to sell yourself out. That will make your experience even worse.
Educate yourself about your rights and entitlements and figure out how to take care of your business.
Passive voice.
You might be a human being who ended a relationship -- but even that's not quite true, as when kids are present, the relationship isn't so much ended, as forcibly changed in a way that devalues those who did not want the change (i.e. kids and the spouse left behind). One person violently imposes his/her will on the other members of the family with the aid of the court.
1) "...it takes two to make a divorce. Every single time..." Bupkis, pure and simple. If your spouse is set on a divorce, you are getting a divorce and there is nothing -- nothing -- you can do about it. that's what no-fault means. It probably takes two to make a really pleasant marriage, and sometimes two agree to make a divorce, but one partner who wants out, for any reason or no reason, is sufficient to make a divorce. I don't know what planet you are writing from, but that's the way it is here on Earth.
2) "Divorce is one of the most destructive, emotionally traumatic experiences a human being can go through, no matter if you're the instigator or the recipient." Oh, please. Sure, I'll buy that even people who instigate divorce may sometimes or even usually be more or less upset by it. But "no matter"? There is clearly a mountain of difference between getting handed a piece of paper that says, essentially, you will never go home again, and being the person whose signature is at the bottom of that piece of paper. And it's worth noting that women, who initiate nearly three times as many divorces as men, generally report being happier after divorce. Divorced men, meanwhile, experience nearly two-and-a-half times the risk of suicide as married men. I'd say that's a fair-sized "matter," wouldn't you?
More world class absurdities in the piece here:
"You're not a victim of your divorce. What you decide to do with yourself and your personal life after your marriage ends is your decision, and completely under your control."
This is true for the initiator -- who is not the victim so much as the victimizer/rapist. What happens for that person is almost completely under his/her (more often her) control. For the remainder of the family -- the kids and the spouse who is being forced into this situation -- they are very much victims, and most of what happens is completely out of their control. This is what makes divorce so difficult, if not impossible, to fully recover from. That complete lack of control (for what is often quite a long period of time) probably has a lot do with with why rates of suicide increase for divorced men and children of divorce.
While you discuss stats of suicide in divorced men, don't forget the stats of homicides of abused women who are unable to or are attempting to flee.
Having said that, I do agree that there are certain "absurdities" in this article - I just object to a good portion of your third paragraph.
If parents are civil to each other, children aren't victimized. On the contrary, they learn that it's possible to be amiable towards a person you may not like anymore and that anger and resentment can be controlled. Subjecting children to a miserable family environment, in which one person feels trapped, is far more abusive.
She is probably impulsive/short-sighted and can be influenced by lower-quality thinkers/people or by a divorce lawyer (who cares nothing for her future but just wants fees/business).
That type of divorce-initiator is enticed by being told she will "get it all" (even though generally speaking divorce today does not play out the way it did in 1984).
The quality of her life and of the children's life is going to be reduced after the divorce.
The quality of the life of her divorcing spouse is also reduced (particularly to the extent that he cares for the children and has to watch what they experience). She may want that to happen and enjoy seeing it.
But she never thought it through and doesn't consider the consequences for herself. Until it is too late.
That type of divorce-initiator probably won't have the courage or insight to admit the mistake that was the divorce.
You may hear her telling everyone about how bad/unfair the system is or blaming her ex-husband is -- five, ten years later.