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Axe Shower Gel Ads Tell Men to Appease Women, Get Laid (VIDEO)

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Thank goodness for Axe. What would wayward men do without a deodorant brand that dispenses dating advice? This week Axe's latest ad campaign helpfully reveals the secret to relationship bliss: oddly-named shower gel.

The series of five advertisements tell men to "keep up with axe shower gels" so that they can keep up with their super hot girlfriends, especially when those girlfriends are doing super annoying things. (Scroll down to watch the ads.)

The women neatly embody several time-worn female archetypes. You have the "sporty girl" who only cares about winning, the "brainy girl," conveniently identified by her subtly hipster glasses, the "flirty girl" who unabashedly hits on other men, the shopaholic "high maintenance girl" and the constantly-drunk-and-gyrating "party girl." Somehow the man in each commercial has attracted the woman despite having absolutely nothing in common with her, and now he desperately wants to keep her -- at least until bedtime, which, as we all know, is sexy time. But how is he supposed to make it until then?! Enter Axe shower gels with names like "Shock," "Rise," "Sport Blast" and, best of all, "Snake Peel." According to the ads, a quick rinse with one of the gels will enable any man able to (appear to) enjoy the girly activities that serve only as a precursor to getting frisky.

Some other key lessons I picked up from these commercials include the following (men, take notes):
• Female athletes consider broken, bleeding noses a turn-on.
• Courtney from "The Bachelor" was right -- book smart is boring. And nothing epitomizes boring and brainy like a theater production.
• Women who flirt with other men in front of their boyfriends probably want to have a two girls, one guy threesome later on.
• After-after-after party means sex. If anyone ever asks you to go to an after-after-after party, you now know what to expect.
• Men have no idea what brunch is. And when they go out to eat, they only ever want to order sandwiches.

These ads are fairly absurd (who doesn't love brunch!?), and predictably insulting to both men and women -- this is Axe after all. Yet as AdWeek points out, the brand has actually made some (very relative) progress since their "scrub away the skank" days, "allowing that females are actually thinking, acting members of society capable of leading obsequious, sex-obsessed males to debase themselves in myriad ways." Perhaps some day, in the far-distant future, Axe will admit that men and women have the ability to enjoy each other's company for reasons that extend beyond toxic aromas and the possibility of orgasm.

WATCH: Axe Shower Gel Ads Tell Men To "Keep Up"

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