Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. Sean Lowe did not appear shirtless once throughout the entirety of episode 5. "Bachelor"... I thought I knew you.
We start off this week with Chris Harrison arriving at the "Bachelor" mansion and informing the ladies that they're about to embark on a worldwide journey for LOVE. First stop? "Outdoorsy" Montana for "outdoorsy" Sean. The girls feign an impressive amount of enthusiasm for the state of Montana and Sean has a monologue about how Montana is the most beautiful place ever. He says the word Montana a few more times, and we're off to the northwest.
Ladies Should Always Wear A Wedding Dress On The First Date
Lindsay gets the one-on-one date card. She puts on her best plaid shirt (they are in Montana, after all) and Sean whisks her off in a helicopter after reminding us that Lindsay is the drunk wedding dress girl from the first night. He's really glad he didn't send her home for being a hot mess, because now he like likes her. Sean wants to get "deeper" by which he means Lindz should tell a story and then they should make out. So she "opens up" about her army brat "adolescence" when "the war started" (totally unclear which one) and her dad was never around. Sean is convinced that she and her grating baby voice are amazing and that he could potentially be the man who gives her "security." So they make out, Lindz gets the rose and Sean tells her there's "one more surprise" in downtown Whitefish. (Yes, the Montana town they're in is actually called Whitefish. I assume it doesn't refer to the salad I eat on my bagel every time I have family brunch.)
Lindz and Sean head "downtown" where they're greeted by a massive crowd and yet another unknown musician for a "private" concert. They also are forced to slow dance on a wooden platform in the middle of said crowd. And all of a sudden this date has veered into "dear god I'm so glad I never had any desire to be on reality TV" territory. Lindz, however, is smitten and thinks Sean is "classy" and "good-looking on the eyes." (Let's all take a minute to remember that this woman is a substitute teacher.) She jumps up, wraps her legs around him, and they make out in public some more.
Milk A Goat, Win A Husband?
Selma, AshLee, Catherine, Lesley, Robyn, Desiree, Daniella and Sarah get this week's group date, which means that Jackie and Tierra are stuck with the dreaded 2-on-1 date later on. We're reminded yet again about how awesome Montana is, and Sean reveals that he wants a wife who "can wear high heels one and day and rough it the next day." The group date women roll up to a grassy field and see goats, hay and a canoe, because nothing is more romantic! Turns out, they're split into two teams and have to do a wilderness relay race for Sean's heart. It includes canoeing, sawing logs, moving bales of hay, milking a goat and drinking said milk. The girls don matching plaid shirts (because apparently that's the only acceptable apparel in Montana), Sarah mentions that she only has one arm and the race begins. Sean watches while his "outdoorsy" women give it their all, and at the end of the afternoon, the Red Team (Des, Robyn, Selma and Sarah) is victorious, thanks largely due to Desiree chugging goat milk. The poor Blue Team gets sent back to the hotel.
After about five minutes of being with just the Red Team, Sean has misgivings and hails Chris Harrison to bring the ladies back. Because, as Sean later says, "A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with." (Words that will probably never be spoken again.) The ladies of the Red Team are less than pleased -- especially Des who feels like she chugged warm goat's milk for nothing.
Love Can Be Tierra-fying
For some unknown reason, Tierra suddenly feels VERY wronged and angrily writes in her notebook while the Blue Team women get ready to party. She puts on the same plaid shirt the Blue Team was wearing before, leaves the hotel and sneaks up behind Sean as he's being interviewed by a producer. She says things to Sean like "I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you!" and "I'm a real person!" as he tries to talk her down from being worried about the 2-on-1. Once she feels "confident," Sean goes back to the eight women he's actually supposed to be on a date with.
Some highlights from the rest of the group date evening:
--Des continues to be frustrated, especially when AshLee (from the Blue Team) interrupts her one-on-one time with Sean.
--AshLee says she "has a soul connection" with Sean and is "in love" with him.
--Sean just wants to snuggle with Catherine. So they find a bench and she climbs in his lap.
--Daniella (who?) walks in on Sean and Catherine's canoodling sesh and immediately starts crying.
--Sean pulls Daniella aside, reassures her that he hasn't forgotten about her (though everyone watching has), and they make out intensely while D says things like "Oh god, finally!"
--Sean gives the rose to Daniella. The Red Team is even more pissed. Especially Robyn, who has only been angry this whole episode. I suspect she'll head home this week.
Three Horses, Two Girls, One Rose
Tierra gives a recap of her "bold move" to the cameras and expresses glee that Jackie has no idea. "I'm excited to see my husband!" yells Tierra, apparently unaware that her husband is still dating 10 other women. The girls show up at a ranch and go horseback riding. Jackie's horse is slow, and she gets left behind while Tierra's horse sidles up next to Sean's. Poor Jackie. We knew she was doomed from the start.
Jackie unwisely uses her one-on-one time with Sean to talk about Tierra. Somehow the best ammo she can come up with is that Tierra said some guy in an airport was cute. The utter horror! Sean says he knows that Jackie is "real," and they make out while Tierra sits on a nearby wooden porch next to a bearskin rug. (Unclear whether she skinned the bear herself.)
During (the incredibly uncomfortable) dinner, everyone stares at each other, and then Sean pulls Tierra aside for some real talk because he knows she's "full of drama." Of course Tierra plays the moment perfectly, pulling out an incredibly sad story about her in-and-out of rehab ex-boyfriend who died in 2009. "I just get scared because I have the biggest heart," she says, putting the final nail in Jackie's "Bachelor" coffin and repeating the word "scared" another 15 times. "You're one of the sweetest girls I've ever met," says Sean as he dumps Jackie back at the table. She tells him to "be careful" as she gets into the car. Tierra and Sean watch fireworks and smile as "sweet" Jackie cries.
Cocktail Party Meets "The Bad Girls Club"
Sean STILL can't believe he has so many feelings for so many women! Des is a bit peeved during her one-on-one time with Sean. She's tired of being the confident one and just wants a little reassurance. She also struggles to not talk shit about Tierra. When Sean pushes her to explain her unsure feelings, she flounders, and Sean leaves the conversation feeling "unsure." Oh no!
Des makes a comment to Tierra that it was hard to see Jackie get sent home. Instead of responding, Tierra simply glares, gets up and sits with a melancholy face in front of a fire, which has kind of become her signature move. "I wish I was a fighter because I would beat the sh*t out of these b**ches," she says to the camera. Robyn has had enough of Tierra's 'tude and she decides to "make this 'The Bad Girls Club.'" After Lesley suggests that Tierra could perhaps respond to questions that people ask her, Tierra really loses it. "If I want to go get engaged, I could easily get engaged. There are plenty of ::bleeping:: guys in the world," she yells. (Men of America, take note.) She gets upset that "someone is always watching" her -- as she's on national television being filmed 24/7 -- and Desiree declares that she should prob just take a Xanax and call it a night.
Sean sees the tail end of Tierra's outburst and pulls her aside. "I'm not a drama person at all," she reassures him, which is something only the most dramatic people say. Sean cares about Tierra but doesn't want to be "naive." He asks Lesley about Tierra but she's too vague for his liking. He would prefer that these women give him plenty of supporting evidence along with their theses about Tierra. Sean pow-wows with Chris Harrison and gets annoyingly pissed that girls he has asked to talk about Tierra were "wasting time" talking about Tierra. "Maybe none of these women are for me," Sean moans. "That would be terrible!" (Sean... have you ever noted the success rate of "Bachelor" relationships?)
How Many Roses, Chris?
Chris gives the ladies a stern talking to, and Sean says this week has been "turbulent." He's taken some steps back and he has oh-so-many questions.
SAFE: (Tierra, Daniella and Lindsay have roses already.) Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah and Desiree.
"Best of luck" says Sean as the "bad girl" officially bites the dust. Back at the party, Selma looks at Tierra and mouths "Be scared" to the cameras. Oh Selma, girl, we are.
On Next Week... I Mean Tomorrow... I Mean The Rest Of The Season
Canadian rockies! Drama's behind them! Bathing suit screams! Gasps! Hypothermia! Tierra shaking! Mascara down to her cheeks! Sean cuddling her! Tubes in Tierra's nose! Manipulative! AshLee is smart! AshLee real talk! Tierra vs. AshLee! Men love Tierra! It gets ugly! Tierra sobs! Sean knows it's hard! Beliefs are shattered! More tears! Love can be a hectic journey! AshLee loves Sean! Make-outs in water! Real love! Proposal! Wife! Best Friend! Letter! Someone did something to Sean!
Shirtless Sean Count: 0
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