Women should "always end a phone call first," "let him take the lead," and never "tell him what to do." This is the sort of advice that the best-selling (straight) dating guide book "The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" gives to single women looking to snag a man. The book was published nearly a decade ago, inspiring more tailored editions -- "The Rules For Marriage" about marital longevity, and "The Rules For Online Dating" about (shocker) online dating, for instance -- and now authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider have penned (yet another) follow up tome called "Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating."
Oh boy.
In case you're unfamiliar, the original "Rules" included 35 "foolproof" guidelines for snagging a husband. Some of the best/worst ones (not in their original order) include:
1. Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
2. Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
3. Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
4. Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
5. Don't Live With a Man (Or leave your things in his apartment)
6. Be Honest But Mysterious
7. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
So essentially, be passive, never demand anything and keep your mouth shut. (I like to call it the "Little Mermaid" style of dating.)
The new version of "The Rules" updates this '95 advice for the online-dating/texting/sexting world. In an interview with Avi Roseman on JDate, Fein and Scheider discussed their tips for checking out members of the opposite sex on the Internet:
Don't answer a guy's ad, and post a light and breezy ad talking about interests, hobbies, favorite foods, books, movies, etc. Don't mention anything about dreams and regrets and include a couple of sexy photos. If a guy doesn't ask you out within 4 emails, next! Rules girls are looking for dates, not pen pals. We also advise women to "wait as long as you can" before having sex. We are not prudish, just careful!
...
A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy's profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move.
So ... same rules, another medium? One of the great things about online dating is that it gives any party the power to make the first move. And if you get rejected -- who cares? You've never met the person to begin with. In light of that reality, Fein and Schneider's ideas seem retrograde. Haven't we moved past the whole "men want only this, women want only that" Mars-Venus stuff? Lindy West of Jezebel's critique of the new book was spot-on:
People are not monolithic. You cannot trick people into loving you by treating them like math equations waiting to be solved. It's dehumanizing. If you want to date a human being you have to treat other human beings like human beings.
Treat people you're interested in like they're actual people? That's a rule worth following.
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Yeah, women who are attracted to men who use women then throw them out like banana peels, may have to play some games to get that type of man into a serious relationship. Women who are tired of being bait for users, can use some ideas on ways to attract better men. If they don't know what they're doing "wrong", the rules could give them some ideas. If their self-esteem is low, the rules can give them ideas of how to act as if they they have strong feelings of self-worth. There are well-worn expressions for this, "fake it till you make it" and "act as if". Some people may think that's dishonest, I see it as learning a new way to be.
For people who are angered by the "dishonesty"; that's like being angered that women wear make-up, padded bras, Spanx, and high heels. I think of it less than being taught how to be dishonest in the dating game, and more as learning how to dance the dating dance. :-)
If your dating style is working for you, great! If not, look for something which will help you change it.
The above quote is a stupid game, not setting a boundary. Case closed.
http://frenchbook.wordpress.com/2012/04/29/the-ultimate-american-is-a-porn-star/
Also you are lying to him. This is not the way to cultivate a respectful relationship. The book is a crock.
Unless you think it's more OK for women to lie than it is for men.
It's not a game to let someone know you're not into being the last minute alternative.
Unless you are into that, in which case, sure, then go for it.
Well done.
Smart men marry their equals. Loser men and misogynists keep on drinking, gaming, smoking, drugging and die young, or end up alone in rundown male hotels with no love in their lives, no family that loves them, disconnected and alienated.
Sure, he may continue to date you but he's mad and he'll use you mercilessly once he jumps through all the hoops. After all, you manipulated him so turnabout is fair play.
It's also telling that traditionally feminine behavior is likened to being a doormat. That's the part that makes you desirable, not your career, degree, tattoos, etc.
Try and see it from the man's point of view.
The only reason many men are still with their wives today is they fear the divorce, financial ruin and loss of their children.
That was more than 13 years ago and we're still really happy. Don't follow someone else's rules, people, do what feels right for you as an individual.
How long from in person date to wedding ceremony?
Women may have been well served by these rules back when divorce was uncommon and you had to "catch" a husband, and you also really were much more constrained socially regarding your daily behavior. My grandmother thought that I should not laugh so big, for instance, a real lady doesn't do that, and she covers her mouth with her hand while laughing (I'm European, and this wasn't very long ago). In times past, I may have indeed needed to learn to laugh in more appropriate ways, but not nowadays. Hardly anyone wants to modify themselves to be more reserved and lady-like. Unless you're willing to do that, your personality will come through. Following some rules that make you untrue to yourself will just increase your chance of breakup misery down the road.
Clearly they weren't into athletics . . . .
What?! The game playing is (as other commenters used the expression too) pretending not to be interested when you in fact are, doing the whole "hot-cold" thing that women used to be instructed in... You like that stuff? Most men don't, I am told by men.
I don't see that I mentioned the word "partnership" that you use with quotation marks, but if you are referring to my marriage, it's a rather delightful one for both of us.
I really have no clue what you are trying to say. Again, what I was saying is that pretending and being dishonest and, indeed, playing games, is not a path to happy and honest union. If you disagree, why don't you just say so?
Back at ya.