Note: This is part two of a series of middle-brow Kickstarter jokes. Part one can be found here
Years of economic disaster, revolution in the streets, immigrants and transsexuals thrown into open-air prisons, and now a massive earthquake: not all is well in the birthplace of Western Civilization.
Since the economic downturn in 2008, Greece has taken it harder than most. Despite numerous appeals to the European Union for aid, the Mediterranean nation has struggled to restart its economy. The results have been catastrophic: civil unrest, government crackdowns, and an increasingly resentful Germany setting the terms of each new bailout.
But hope is not gone yet. As the result of the globe has clawed its way toward recovery, the pockets of private, Internet-browsing citizens the world over have found themselves with more cash on hand: cash they might be willing to pitch in, allowing the noble Greeks to bypass international bureaucracy and get back on track once and for all. With Kickstarter.
PROJECT TITLE: BAIL OUT GREECE
GOAL: € 380,000,000
SYNOPSIS: As of 2013, the Republic of Greece is running nearly 400,000,000 euros in the red. As the result of counter-productive austerity policies and the diminishing sympathy of the European Union, this economic downturn has led to spikes in revolutionary protest and counter-revolutionary government crackdown. Buildings burned by radicals; immigrants and transsexuals thrown into open-air prisons by the state: nobody likes these things. Since our most recent plea for a bailout was rejected by the international community, we've decided to turn to you -- the people -- in order to help save our country.
Over the millennia, Greece has contributed many important things to the international community free of charge, such as theatrical drama, philosophical logic, and the entire basis of western civilization. Contributing to us in our time of need constitutes a sort of pay-it-forward: helping to enable the next great innovation in society.
Thanks so much for your support,
Pledge €100 - For €100, you will receive a very small piece of the Parthenon previously stuck in the bottom of an Ottoman jackboot.
Pledge €500 - For €500, you will be entitled to one (1) sex change in the Republic of Greece without fear of harassment or imprisonment under Operation Zeus.
Pledge €5,000 - For €5,000 you will receive a sneak peek of the next major archaeological discovery, an excellent prize for struggling PhD students in the Classics with €5,000 to spare.
Pledge €500,000 - For €500,000 you will receive a mention in the next work of Greek epic poetry, placing you alongside such heroes as Achilles, Hector of Troy, and Penelope.
Pledge €1,000,000 - For €1,000,000 you will receive a certificate from the Greek government, confirming your direct descent from a non-consensual coupling between Zeus and a mortal woman.
Pledge €380,000,000,000 - You will be made Prime Minister of Greece*
*duration of term subject to shifting political conditions and violent revolution.
Follow Emmett Rensin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@revemmettrensi